email ROFL!

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Terry, Dec 30, 2011.

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  1. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    THIS IS ALL VERY TRUE


    As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

    I can no longer open a bathroom door
    without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.


    I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread
    because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

    I have trouble shaking hands
    with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because
    I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

    I can't touch any woman's handbag
    for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

    I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS
    for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

    ALSO,
    now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I can't have a drink in a bar
    because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

    I can't eat at KFC
    because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

    I can't use cancer-causing deodorants
    even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

    THANKS TO YOU
    I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,
    I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer buy
    petrol without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
    I no longer use Cling Wrap
    in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
    AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW
    I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    And
    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
    THANKS TO YOU
    I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
    AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE
    I can't ever pick up a 10p coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
    I can't do any gardening
    because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

    Oh, and by the way.....

    A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

    P. S.
    I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
    NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…
     
  2. SaraRose

    SaraRose Well-Known Member

    HAHAHA! Great way to start the day! LOL
     
  3. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Alumni SF Supporter

  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I always wondered who got all of my emails...thanks for letting me know
     
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