ema's losing it. i feel like an abandoned building that is crumbling from inside. nobody notices or cares. i have nobody to talk to. everybody just tells me to leave my spouse, but they don't listen to how complicated that is. i would have no income, lose my insurance, lose my access to resources, and have to live with my mother. very, very bad consequences. even if i could force him to pay me some and pay for my insurance, it would take time to take him through the courts for that. it's not a practical solution. i'm lost. i'm alone. my family won't deal with me because i won't leave him or my mother nags me to leave. his family treats me like a leper. i can't focus. i can't think. i can't do anything. i don't want to do anything. i want to stop trying. just give up. just fade off and leave the body sitting there. if only i could die. just too tired to care anymore. he says i'm lazy, mean, cruel. i don't know. maybe i am. i made bad choices. it's my fault. i screwed it all up. and now i'm miserable and alone and so sad it hurts. i'm going to give up. just give up. there's no point. i screwed it up and i can't fix it. nobody will ever love me again. no reason to keep trying at this weird life. nobody will even notice. that i know.