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Embarrassing Suicide Attempt

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Sparkles, Oct 11, 2010.

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  1. Sparkles

    Sparkles New Member

    So it's 12:30 am and I've found myself sleepless and thinking back on my suicide attempt, which I hate doing but I can't seem to control what I think about. I'm posting in hopes that it will stop haunting me once i get it out and see others' responses.

    A little back info: In March 2010 at 20 years old, I moved out of my parents house, two hours away and started a completely different life that turned out to be a disaster. I moved in with two boys that were in a relationship (I'm a female). I wasn't really on good terms with one of the boys upon moving in and after moving in it just got worse and worse. I had lied about something in the past and after that he never believed anything I ever said again. Literally everytime I had a story to tell whatever it was he would accuse me of making it up. I felt ignored, alone, and after I fell out with both of them, completely isolated. I was drinking, and doing drugs a lot more than I ever had. At the time I was not aware that I had an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder that, when introduced to all these conditions, exploded.

    One day in late May almost three months after moving I decided to O.D. However, because I had been told by my manager that if I called off again I would be let go, I decided to go into work after taking all the pills with intentions to "go home sick". (Why, if I was trying to kill myself I cared about keeping my job I will never understand.) Things did not go according to plan and once the pills kicked in I could barely control my actions. After a co worker questioned me about my bizarre behavior, without realizing it, I told her what I did. So she had my manager call 911 and they hauled me out on a stretcher to an ambulance in front of the entire store and all my co workers (including one of my roomates) saw, and knew everything.

    I was so embarrassed because I knew everyone thought I did it just for attention because who wouldn't. So after my hospital stay I went home to my parents for two weeks. I returned June 10th, my relationship with my roomates was shot they had no respect left for me if they ever did, and on June 28th ended up getting drunk with my roomate and breaking everything in the apartment and trying to stab him as a result of him yet again calling me a liar and saying very, very rude things to me. Needless to say I got my stuff and moved out on July 3rd

    I am now living with my sister far far away, trying to get on with my life, but after 3.5 months I am still finding it very difficult. I keep thinking constantly about my roomates and the friendships I lost. I keep thinking about what life I could have had if I stayed there and wouldn't have acted so crazy. I feel like I made so much progress there but it was all just torn away from me and I was forced to start over and I'm pissed about it.

    Anyway, I apologize for the length, if you read the whole thing thank you so much, anything anyone has to say will appreciated positive or negative thanks.
  2. lurktheshadows

    lurktheshadows Well-Known Member

    Hi love,

    Though your story is far better than mine. I had my own attempt gone awry in August. My mother decided to spread the word throughout my entire family...and now I feel alienated and lost. My only real friend (..face-to-face friend) stopped speaking to me after I told her.

    Life seems to sever our connections quickly. Perhaps it's for the best? Your mind was in so much pain that it wanted to make a radical change...well here's your radical change for you...manifesting in a far different form than you previously thought....I also moved far far away.

    I obsess about it also...and I see so much of myself in you it's kind of frightening. If you read the symptoms for borderline personality disorder: that's me..that's also thousands if not millions of other people (mostly women it seems =/ ...

    It's ok, it will all be ok. The past is the past. What happened happened...yes these truisms are annoying. I despise being trite...but we have to go there. Because we truly need to move on. This is your life now, it is fresh, with new opportunities.

    We were traumatized and mortified (and continue to be) by our actions. We take it day by day. We stay strong, and we try not to care about what other people think of us.

    It's ok to be pissed: feel it. It's ok to be miserable: Feel it. But when these emotions start becoming hindrances instead of a catharsis..that is when we must abandon them for better things.

    Find a therapist (or group therapist..or meditate..or do whatever helps calm your mind)...exercise, be healthy, seek new relatioships. And happiness will naturally come to fruition...at least that's what I like to believe.
    I'm attempting to move towards that...it's difficult, I know. We can do it.

    All my strength and love to you.
  3. rockjock

    rockjock Member

    It's eerie how much I feel I can relate to your story.

    Easier said then done, but being in a new place is a blessing in disguise. Especially if you are living with someone like a sister, a family member who isn't your parents. The best thing to do is put yourself out there as much as possible. Ask you sister to introduce you to some friends and soon the progress you felt you made in your previous location with transfer to where you are now. Dont think you lost any progress because it will always be with you.

    The average adjustment period for relocating whether it's a job or place of living or anything of the sort is about 6 months. You are more than half way there! Don't lose hope. Starting fresh is one of the greatest gifts in the world. Please take care.
  4. stig

    stig Well-Known Member

    hi sparkles, welcome to the forum. alienation is horrible, i had it through most of my school life. re-occuring thoughts can be crippling. i know i have suffered with them for 30 years. this is going to sound like a ridiculous suggestion but bear with me on this because it works. when your head starts to run with these thoughts you need to be aware of them. say to yourself, thank you for the reminder but i 'm ok now. i wish to think about something else. keep saying it to yourself. also if your mood drops, be aware of it and tell yourself that you want to be happy. don't say that you don't want to be unhappy. it will probably do the opposite. treat your brain as a child/friend. treat it with affection. pm me if you want to know more. stay safe , stay strong.
  5. sinnssykdom

    sinnssykdom Banned Member

    I've gone through an embarrassing attempt before. Not fun.... more embarrassing that i switch doctors a lot(im picky) so more and more will read my file and see it. It still plays through my mind because even though i was not all their mentally at the time i still feel like i should have known better that obviously that amount of something isn't going to do jack. Now i feel like whenever i talk to a doctor they think im a tard because they most likely read my file, when i actually am an intelligent person just not when under the influence. :/

    I'm sorry you had to go through what you did. With time you will get over it, we will get over it. It just takes time. What i think of is no one who treated me i knew no one who i saw in the psych ward i knew before hand so i knew no one so i could care less because i won't see them ever again... and if i do they most likely won't remember me.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your roomate was an ass okay and you need not apologise to him or anyone for your behavior he tormented you so. I am sorry your illness brought you to the point of a suicide attempt. I think you did the right thing moving far away in with your sister. I think with a clean slate now you will get stronger maybe try new medication to keep you stable It will take time to get back on your feet don't rush it okay small steps maybe volunteer for awhile then work part time
    try to join social events okay so you can meet new friends better ones Ones that will support you. I am glad you came her to talk and know that there is no reason to be embarrassed you were ill okay let it go and time to start fresh again take care:poo:
  7. kote

    kote Account Closed

    sorry to be be blunt!!!! i havent much time!!!! id love to leave a long reply and if you want to talk some more just message me please!!!!

    the long and short of it is pick yourself up, dust youself down and start afresh somewhere different of course with a support network inplace.

    take care of your self and dont be harsh on your self we all make mistakes in life especially at work and with friendships - its how we learn to be better people. but dont place the blame on yourself. blame society.

    i hope you are ok and find the strength to venture out again and discover something new which you will get an appetite for!!!! take care.
  8. Sparkles

    Sparkles New Member

    Thank You so much everyone for all your replies, they really did help

    It all happened for the best I'm sure, my room mates were assholes and I couldn't fully see it until after I was out of the situation. I just have to do my best to close that chapter and never open it again. Everything I left behind can stay there, I never have to see or talk to anyone from there ever again so that should make things easier... you'd think.

    Thank you stig for your suggestion it didn't sound ridiculous it all, it makes sense and I'm really going to try it.

    I'm in a fairly good place right now living with my sister, she and her family keep me under control. If nothing else her children are too important to me to screw up infront of them. I just have issues with my mental rollercoaster and I get really sad at times but can't really talk to anyone. That's the biggest trouble I'm having at the moment which compared to earlier this year seems like a piece of cake. I'm working on getting therapy but my mental health benefits ran out for the year, and wouldn't cover the appropriate therapy anyway.

    Thank you again everyone for your responses. :)
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