Embracing Death

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by An Agonizing Life, May 24, 2007.

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  1. Ok, as you've probably guessed, I want to die. I would list the reasons, but I expect them to be countered by generic, idealistic responses. The following poem is an expression of the enormous distress and hate I am currently feeling.

    When the crimson fog descends
    The shunned make last amends
    When the desperate night falls
    The melancholic knell calls

    The brightest hour of the darkest day
    Sees the crow cry out in dismay
    Nothing, nothing will dissipate
    This eternal, fiery hate

    Fly up to the sky and meet your maker
    One day, you'll reside in God's acre,
    Free from the chains of cruelty
    Transitioned into an alternate reality

    When the crimson fog descends
    The shunned make last amends
    When the desperate night falls
    The melancholic knell calls
  2. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    You, like all others want to be understood first of course. Not easy when most of us hardly understand ourselves, but we try.
    There is no ideology in what I am to say, just a strict ultimatum i'm afraid. You want to die, but you want to live as well as your here, and you write very powerful poetry that's full of emotion.

    You die: You leave behind everything good and bad here
    You miss your chance to improve your life
    You miss maybe having an even worse time
    Heaven might not be what you expect (if you believe in it, assumed from your peom)
    Heaven might be more majestic that you ever imagined
    Death might be noise, and it might be silence

    You live: You carry on with your life, with the pain, with the problems
    You retain your chance to amend what has happened through effort
    You are at least familiar with life and its troubles
    You must realise that life can get better at any degree, maybe not brilliant, but better, livable.
    There are less extreme ways to stop the pain and the lonliness
    It's a lot harder to see the way out of it all, death seems to be the only solice

    You must weigh up both events and see what you leave/are left with. If you're going to change you need to decide yourself. No one can truly talk people out of suicide, it's something they must come to terms with themselves. But that doesnt mean other people cant help you and make you feel loved and cared about. We have to make life what we want it to be with effort, regardless of the shitty hand we've been dealt. It's tough but is death any nicer to us?
    Now from me trying to understand you, I maybe picked up a few things from your post. Keep writing and let people try to understand you. None of us are the same and our pains are very individual and dynamic, we're not a bunch of medical conditions, we're a bunch of human beings.

    Take Care
  3. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    Great response H20smack,

    Hi AAL, (An Agonizing Life)

    It is a choice. I think the biggest problem with this decision is there are no take backs. Once you cross over into the unknown (death) what then? At least here, in this crumy world, you know the rules and have the lay of the land.

    You said, "I would list the reasons, but I expect them to be countered by generic, idealistic responses." This is a very common response. Everyone has a variety of reasons for why they posted. Some want to vent, some want to reach out, some want to just post a final statement. I'm guessing that poem was a final statement. But you reached out when you posted it here whether that was your intention or not.

    Encouragement is a powerful thing. You can run a race but when you have a lot of fans in the bleachers urging you on you will run faster and feel better about yourself. I want to really encourage you NOT to comit suicide. And I'm going to be generic because I don't know your situation! lol. However, generic does not make it less true or real.

    You mentioned you are feeling a lot of hate and distress. Your name and the poem indicate you have had a lot of bad happen to you in your life. I am truely sorry life has dealt you one terrible blow after another. Sometimes life can leave us feeling like roadkill. trying to cross this road of life we get hit by one car, dragged under by another and then run over by the next three.. finally to limp to the side and wish death would take us away from our pain. So you see.. I do understand. I'm on the side of the road myself wondering what the &%$#! happened and how do I ever recover from this.

    It's ok to ask for help. It's ok to tell someone what happened and how you came to be so hurt. Sometimes.. believe it or not.. a car will stop and someone will get out and pick you up. People recover from this and go on to have good lives. YOU can recover from this.
  4. Bostonensis

    Bostonensis Guest

    In your poetry,I can also tell that their fiery hate can drive people to be not just suicidal but also to get even.I was once to be homicidal,but my Dad who is dead now ( like me an Agnostic) always remind me not stain my hands with murky blood no matter how much the injustice. I wanted to blow up a whole entire Court when this corrupt,bigoted judge took my son away from me with no reason ,nothing at all. I wanted to fry my X to death & was planned to the T. But I always get calmed by my father's love for me & though he has no religion he is a very humanitarian of peace. This is what I clinged for life when everything seems so final that the fury of revenge is lurking around me ,I stop & recollect my fathers voice to continue proving the bastards are wrong. I am terminally ill too but for my father's legacy ,I continue to endure the injustice of this world. Not ,y illness but the illegal system that put me where I am now.I understand the fury,the need for revenge ,th e longing of comfort. Find solace for the meaning of suffering,not from those books of dogmatism or it will destroy you even more but the reality of what is around you.

    In my Dad's name, I ask him peace for you. This is my biological father ,(not one in heaven who owns a GPS & tarck down every single person on earht) he left me this message to call him when I am anxious,& he comes in the wind & fill my lungs with peace. I call him to come to you to give you peace.
  5. Thanks for the responses. Despite what I said earlier, these posts have actually made me feel better. By the way, I don't believe in heaven, or in God--I was only alluding to it.
  6. I don't know what to do. On one hand, suicide would relieve me of all of my problems and pain. Yet, on the other hand, it would also eliminate any possibility of improvement.

    I've tried to kill myself. I've also tried to live. Both choices have resulted in absolutely nothing.

    To cope with my depression, I've self-medicated with pain relievers and muscle relaxants (basically barbs) multiple times. However, this illicit drug usage rewarded me with no more than a ceaseless addiction.

    What am I depressed about, you say?

    Confusion. Being bipolar, I frequently experience a wide range of feelings--self-esteem and lack thereof, happiness and sadness, calm and angry.

    For example, my looks constantly irritate me. At times, I look into the mirror and see a model staring back. Yet, the same mirror can yield deformed cheekbones and glaring eyes. Exterior comments also plague my mind. Girls label me as cute and hot as often as ugly. I know that the logical assumption would be that I'm average, but due to the unstable nature of these descriptions, I can come to no such conclusion.

    Another key factor to my suicidal feelings is my intelligence. IQ tests, teachers, and friends have all classified me as intelligent. Despite this, I still feel inadequate. As with my looks, my intelligence is also multi-faceted--that is, it appears to constantly change with any alteration of my mood.

    Simply, I am clueless in terms of who I am. I don't even know if I'm internally beautiful since I am often selfish and caustic.

    What should I do with my life: end it or live it?
  7. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    There's quite a few different methods to start you off on trying to recover.
    From what you describe it is your bipolar that confuses you because that seems to be the thing that is ever changing your mood for you. Now if you want to try to get control over it you must understand exactly what it is and how it works, what it does etc...
    There is a sub room on the site called General Disorders and I think theres a host of info on the condition. Sorry if you already are aware of it all, but it never hurts to learn more.
    Another good one if you've got the motivation (I didn't) is to write down a frequency chart each day of your avarage mood over that day for a week or two to see how your mood changes and at what speeds/for how long, what severity. Or if your more literary and like writing keep a journal of feelings and decribe your pains and what happened during the day.

    Realistically at some point the doctors would be a great idea but I know it's difficult for most people and espeically with you in America you don't have national health care so the money issue always comes up.

    The thing about Bi-polar is that it's a double edged knife. When your mood lifts you and you feel you can do a lot more, in very serious cases, you feel invincible almost. Decisions can become rash but your confidence is well off. When you come down you are the opposite, your lonely, no one understands, you cant do anything, motivation is ceased, you are anxious, want to hide away.
    It's little wonder your having identity issues if your mood dictates these two very different personas. But it doesnt mean your not you. The first step in getting you to see who you are in this would be to find something that doesnt change when your up or down, even the smallest thing, and build on it, use it as an island of operations.

    I'm not going to lie and say that conquering depression is an easy thing to do because it isnt. But if it means you can live a happier life with happy events (and sad events) or a relatively long space of time then it beats facing the reaper so soon.

    BTW, if there was anything i've said that you consider complete bullshit, please tell me off :) i'm trying to learn new things myself and sometimes I go the wrong way with stuff or misinterpret it all and it helps me when ppl tell me i'm doing so.

    Also, definitly take a look at general disorders to see how other people cope with it or don't cope. And most of all, take care of yourself and know that people do give a crap about you and want to see you get better.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You mention being bipolar and talk about self medicating. Have you tried prescription meds to help control the mood swings? I know that many people do not like this option, but I have seen many people helped if they are able to find the right meds and the proper dosages. Why suffer if there is a way to be relieved. Life can be better. Hard to believe, I know. Sometimes I struggle with believing that as well. Don't give up without exhausting all options. Take care and stay safe. :hug:
  9. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    Hi AAL,

    Lots of good comments for you to think about. Thanks for sharing whats going on inside of you. I confess I was going to come on and post my own similar internal struggle but you said it so much better.

    Posting does help. You can come out to this site and freely express yourself without judgement. Also, yolu can hear from others, like yourself who are struggling with the same internal battle. Your not alone. Your making perfect sense. And the emotional pain is huge.

    What can be done to reduce the emotional pain? Several things! Thats what makes posting so useful... it's a wealth of resources... everyone here has a way to cope and we can learn from each other. You have a way to cope or you wouldn't be here reading this. You are stronger than you think!

    H2O amde a great suggestion and you can learn more about "diary cards" from this site.: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/diary_cards.html

    The plan behind this is to grade your mood 3 times a day. Often times we have the mood without even seeing the situation or action that may have triggered the mood. Stopping to think about your mood 3 times a day gives you an awareness and record that can reveal ways for you to take control. (shrug, it's very effective but difficult to get into the habit.)

    Journaling may be useful and you can do it whenever you think about it. Already you mentioned posting has helped you so I would think journaling would have a good chance of being a great release for you. Feel free to "journal" to us.. we can be a diary that writes back!

    Meds can be very useful as well. It takes time and trial to get on the right dose.

    I'm basically just recapping what H2O and gentlelady said, but I would add meditation to the list. During meditation remind yourself that your opinion is the only one that matters. Whether you are beautiful / intelligent is in your eyes and no other. It's like you said, sometimes others call you hot and other times ugly. You can't pleasse everyone else. Who do you say you are? If the conflict is within you meditation can help. Breathing slowly in for a count of 3, hold for a count of three, release for a count of three. repeat. And while doing this be your own cheerleader. Act as your own best friend. What would you tell your best friuend if she was feeling and hurting the way you are now?
  10. Sometimes, I believe that the ugly, unintelligent remnants of my soul deserve to be painfully ripped to shreds. I must end my own life not only to relieve my own suffering, but also to alleviate society's burden. I am a waste of resources--every scrap of food I devour feeds nothing but a monster, and every drop of water I gorge floods the insides of an anathema. I serve no beneficial purpose to myself or to the world as a despicable moron, incapable of performing even the simplest of life functions. My genetics predestine me to a life devoid of all human contact and worse, of all human characteristics. In short, my death, as the culmination to my life, will be my one selfless act.

    Ironically, I actually appreciate my depression, for it is the key that unlocks the courage necessary to cease my existence. Without it, I would have never realized how deformed my face looks and how lethargically my mind thinks. I would have never cringed at the sight of the monster dwelling in the mirror, and I certainly would have never identified the sole cause of my academic failures.

    Yet, I have one regret. I have never met a true friend, the yin to my yang, so to speak. I could not, even once, talk to someone who understood me for more than five minutes in person.

    Most unfortunately, I have never even spoken to a member of the opposite sex. I realize that this is just insignificant, teenage bullshit, but then again, I am a rather insignificant teenager who is full of shit, so it is appropriate that I feel this way. This obstacle is pathetic, even for a deranged and senseless idiot. I wish for love--someone to hold, someone to laugh with. Is this too much to ask for? But, since I am the pinnacle of genetic failures, maybe I am cursed to roam this world alone.

    What do I have to life for? Should I continue to thrive in a world filled with misery, or should I devote myself to purely immoral, hedonistic pursuits? Yes, I have already decided. I cannot face myself any longer. Society's last glimpse of me will be of a pale, bloated body peacefully residing in a coffin.
  11. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    There sounds like theres more pain in you than is copeable :(

    I did find it really interesting how you aprreciate the depression and then gave those list of things it unlocked for you. Those list of things are what depression causes.
    Imagine yourself, you go through pains in your life and they make you feel sad for a long time. You start to cook up ideas of what might have caused them and because of the way you have grown they seem reflect back upon yourself, you start saying things like, who else is to blame? Then normal things that happen to everyone else happen to you, like messing up and exam or not having the courage to talk to girls, but they build up on top of the first thing and rather than dealing with it as a standalone thing, it collects with the other problems. It's a most horrible thing to have to deal with because the longer you leave it without someone telling you straight that your not a failure the more these feelings collect. This leads to depression and when your depressed your mood is controlled by the disease mostly. And if your down then the pressure builds up and the thoughts become worse and you start to hate yourself and think your a failure. Your mind works slower and you can't cope with anything stressful. You wish for a better life but all the self hatred you've shown yourself stops you, tells you your not worthy, that you should die. Then the suicidal feelings hit you :(

    It's an incredibly horrible circle. Someone once said, "depression is the worst disease a person can go through". It kicks you when your down repeatedly until you can't take the pain anymore, like a drunken thug on a Friday night.

    But all the above doesnt mean you are useless or anything of the sort. It's very hard to function when we feel this way, like a machine that is running low on fuel or is rusty, we need care and love and help.
    I'm pretty convinced you have built up your problems on top of one another and therapy and cognitive behavioural therapy can help unravel things. It works because it shows you the side of you that never got a chance to speak out. I also never spoke to a girl most of the way through high school, not as a friend anyhow, just a passing hello. It made me feel incredibly sad. Coupled with the problems I already faced it made me feel like a freak.

    You can get through this but you just need ppl to keep reminding you that you can because it's too hard to conquer on our own. The ppl on this site will help you as much as they can. Defnitly take up lullibys advice on meditation, even if you only use it to help you relax when you feel in the dumps.
    You've always got something to live for, even if it is only the future.
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