Its been a while since my last log in...I was extremely suicidal but that time has passed but I am again losing my courage. I try to toughen up but its difficult. I am a weakling, and i cant do anything about it. Last time i gave up my suicide scheme and told myself that i will change for the better, but my intrinsic emotional vulnerability has once again convinced me that this is impossible. I was pretty much alone for 4+ years. I emotionally isolated myself from everybody, because people always disappointed me, they threw away our relationships by breaking my trust like its nothing. I had a few people i had an utmost respect for and i relied on them but they made it evident that i can never again form any sort of meaningful relationships, i just cant trust anybody. I want to emotionally depend on people, but i always end up shattering myself into pieces because i was stupid enough to emotionally entangle myself with others. I want to liberate myself from this need to heal my wound by depending on others. I need someone to embrace me emotionally but this is never happening, i just know it. I thought i was very used to being alone...but i guess not, i am just a human who constantly reminds himself that he needs no one, but he knows he is wrong. It feels like i am in a desert, dying of thirst but all i am seeing are mirages...and this is torturing me. I don't want to be tortured, i need to give up even the slightest hope of it and embrace solitude. But people cant toughen up all the time...we need to lean on someones shoulder sometimes...its just that, in my case, i get ensnared into further misery when i do...I need advice, i dont know what to do anymore.