emmm, i should introduce myself shouldn't i? Well i'm 17, and i've been depressed ever since 2007, so it's four years? Now that i think about it a year old child should NEVER be depressed especially when they are still at a young age. I've gone on and off from depression, so there will be a couple of months or days when I'm the most happiest person alive and everything is going great and stuff, and then there is the remaining days were i'm being hit with the realization that i've created an illusion to make everyone think that i'm happy but i'm practically dying inside. I've attempted suicide pretty much everyday and i self-harm myself with a compass, i know what's wrong with me? But i don't want to feel like this. Every year i get worse and worse, i haven't told my parents, hell i can't, i mean my mother is a single parent looking after 6 children and she's struggling to cope, there is no way in hell i can put another burden for her to carry when she has got enough on her plate. The last thing i want to do is to see my mother cry, for her to feel as if she had failed as a mother when she hasn't, she's been the best mother anyone could have and i love her for that, to smile even when my father was a jackass, she is a strong woman which s the only reason why i haven't fully killed myself because i can't. Which is why i want to stop. I don't like medicine, i don't like therapist because after all these years of keeping this pain inside i've learnt to be anonymous and not admit my pain and suffering publicly. I also suffer from low-self esteem, and social anxiety, which makes it difficult for me to make friends or enter a social gathering. Well, why do i feel depressed? well i'm panasexual and bi gender but i come from a religious background, which lead me to believe that i am a dysfunctional person and abnormal because it isnt right "right" which lead me to hate myself for being different. Collage, essays, expectations, all of these lead me to believe that i'm unworthy, i'm pathetic, or that i'm not needed and the world would better of without me. Why am i saying all of this? Because i don't think i can take it any more. And i'm scared of what i might be capable of. help? If possible i would like to get better through this site which satisfies my anonymity and doesn't require me to take medications or seek therapist. If i can't then i guess i have no choice but to seek a therapist.