(Emo alert) I'm not here. This isn't happening

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Øyvind, Aug 14, 2013.

  1. Øyvind

    Øyvind Senior Member

    Downloaded the soundtracks from all 6 seasons of LOST. Listened now to a track from my favourite episode, episode 4.05 The Constant, which I wrote about FOUR FUCKING YEARS AGO here
    Brought me down and reminded me how much I've lost since then(Q1 2008). Especially how much I've lost of myself. I can't concentrate anymore, I just spend all my time inside my head. I can't watch a movie or tv-show episode without tuning out and missing large chunks of it. Whenever I go for a walk, I suddenly just find myself at my destination without having seen the sites, having just fantazised and walked in a trance the whole time. Like Desmond said in The Constant: I'm not here, this isn't happening.
    I hate to use the word, even here, because it's such a demasculating and humiliating word, but I'm lonely, and I think this is part of the reason why I'm "not here". Now that I'm done with VGS(Norwegian "High school", 15/16 years old to 18/19, but I went to a school offered to people with psych history from when I was 15 to this year, at 22 years old) I don't talk to anyone other than family, primarily my mother, and these days when I talk to her it's usually about a future I neither believe in nor want.
    I want to watch a movie with someone, have a philosophical conversation with someone, whatever. I don't want to do any of the things that most people(100% of the people I've met) are into, such as partying, nightclubs etc, because I don't get it and I find it gross.

    I didn't make any friends in school, I only had limited relations with people, so I find myself wondering whether anyone I did meet remembers me, and if they do, how they remember me.

    Everytime I have a slight pain in my chest(caused by muscles from not sitting corectly), everytime I have a a strong episode of palpitations, everytime I feel something strange or unusual in my body I hope that it's because something wrong with my heart, that I'm ill and dying. Unfortunately I'm still in good health.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 14, 2013
  2. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    sorry you are feeling so bad.

    hope you continue to reach out to us