Emotional hospital nightmare

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by smackh2o, Nov 8, 2007.

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  1. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Ok. This is gonig to sound quite weird. I don't really understand it myself but it really is affecting me a lot now. Every time I go to hospital I walk down corridors or sit in waiting rooms and I get the most strangest euphoric, melancholic, longing pining bloody feelings I can handle. I want to be part of it all. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I have to spend enough time at hospitals. I want to burst into tears everytime i'm there and beg for something I don't even know. I feel I need to be there right now. To not miss a thing. Sometimes I think about hurting myself just so I can go there. I've thought about getting a job there but i'm in no fit state to at the moment.
    Has anyone else had anything similar although I think I will be alone on this one :( ?
  2. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    Me. I'm absolutely obsessed with going to a&e (emergency room) just so that I can see what's going on. I get envious if i'm with somebody else who needs treatment because I want to be part of it all. I fantasise about being rushed in, put on cardiac monitors etc. I like going to medical wards (NOT the psychiatric unit). I don't go often anymore because I think the doctors/nurses would start to suspect I was a mental health patient. When I went with my grandmother earlier in the year, I didn't want to go home. I stayed with her all afternoon and evening. If I was to go to a&e now, i'd be pleased. I want to be a Doctor and suffer from envy when I see the medics taking blood and things like that. I am definitely obsessed with medicine - I have spent hundreds on 'critical care medicine' and 'human anatomy' books.

    I have even contemplated taking a potentially lethal overdose just so I could be rushed in to the resusication room, put on a ventilator and go to the intensive care unit. It sounds mad, I know. I don't understand it myself. I just thought I was a weirdo.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 8, 2007
  3. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Hey wow! I'm not alone in this. I know what you mean about wanting to just be there. I want to be right in the center of it all. I'm not so bothered about hurting myself to get there as much as i'm going for surgery sometime soon again anyway. I'm scared to death yet I want to be there. Walking down corridors with my bath robe on lol.
    I've never been to A&E before. What is it like?
  4. nomad

    nomad Guest

    Could it maybe be related to associating the place with getting care and someone caring for you maybe? If it's not that, then it might be worth trying to figure out what it is that makes you feel you need to be there.

    I've been to A&E too many times to count. I used to not be bothered by it, but the more times I went the more I started to resent others getting help. After a truly awful experience there, I never go anymore even when my cuts are extremely deep, or after an OD, I can't even visit other people because now it makes me panic. It used to make me feel safe, and now it has the opposite effect.

    As for what it's like, it's busy, rushed, mostly, but occassionally quiet. I've been there for SI related stuff, but also for suspected appendicitis and also for severe anaemia due to my bowels. This is going to sound strange, but the times I was 'really' ill were the times I don't really remember, I just remember being in pain, and stuff. I mostly remember the times I had to go for stitches or ODs and whether people were nice or nasty or stuff.

    If you want to be there, could you maybe get a job like with the meals or something? Don't know if you could, but it wouldn't be too stressful (my friend did that and enjoyed it, but she did it because she was training to be a dietician) and you would get to walk the corridors and stuff.
  5. q6g

    q6g Guest

    Yeah, it does sound like fun... but it's selfish as hell.

    There are people working in hospitals on 24 hour shifts to take care for people, and you're fantasizing about exploiting them for your own personal pleasure.

    As for wanting to be a doctor, don't even think about it. At this point, you're in no way responsible enough to have other people's lives in your hands if you don't even have control over your own life.

    None of what you said sounds "mad" exactly, it just sounds incredibly selfish.

    I have a horrible life full of problems too. The difference is that I realize it's my responsibility, and don't try to force all of it on others.

    I understand where you're coming from, but it's not right to treat people like that.

    There's only so much others can do, ultimately you must carry your own burdens.

    What's really unfortunate is that a lot of caring people don't understand that responding to needy behavior is just hurting people more by reinforcing their negative traits. It's the equivalent of dropping coins in a bum's cup every day, it only makes him want to beg more. If no one teaches the bum how to live on his own, get a job, etc. nothing will change.
  6. Fed Up!

    Fed Up! Guest

    That's the point I was trying to make in my thread about liars.

    I personally don't know if it applies in this sense though. Everyone has places they want to be, for whatever reason, but I do agree that it is important to address the reasons for this and to work through them with a professional.
  7. q6g

    q6g Guest

    I'm not a licensed professional, and I wouldn't put too much trust in what anyone on this forum says unless you're sure they're licensed.

    With that said, a lot of the behavior I see on this forum reminds me of Borderline Personality Disorder.

    Obviously it's important to provide love to others in need, but ultimately we'll want to help empower them by teaching them how to deal with their problem appropriately. If we turn them away, they'll simply find someone else to exploit. But if we only respond emotionally, we're only feeding the negative cycles. We should strive to find a balance between emotion and logic. Logically, we'll want to understand the victim from an objective point-of-view, and begin considering solutions from there. It's a lengthy process, and if the victim is not willing to participate, there will be no resolution to their problems. The difficulty often arises when victims realize their problem is being attacked effectively, and pull away in an effort to avoid healing. They then find someone else to exploit, and thus the cycle continues. Very frustrating. So the key is being able to keep a patient comfortable by appealing to their emotional side while still working on the psychological problem itself on a logical basis.

    Certainly it's a vocation that requires a lot of patience and willpower.
  8. Fed Up!

    Fed Up! Guest

    Good response, good, logical response, I like it :)

    I do have to say though, that I disagree with the BPD thing, yes, there are people on here with that (myself included if a previous psych is to be believed), however, I don't see many of the traits on lots of people here. BPD is often wrongly diagnosed and can be slapped on most people at some point, particularly those who self harm or have suicidal feelings, or maybe 'suicidal gestures', etc, but a person has to meet 6 of the 9 points to be classified as having BPD. I also don't think that any of the things mentioned in the OP thread indicate BPD related issues (not saying they have/don't have BPD, just that this thread does not seem to be BPD related).

    OP, do you have professional help and support at the moment?
  9. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Before you jump the gun and carry on thinking people are selfish this 'fantasy' has nothing to do with exploiting hospital workforce. There was no reason to be so aggresive in your response, I was just trying to figure something out in my head by asking others if they have had similar thoughts. It's not as if I have acted on the impulse, and I would rather get a job there anyway. Just sitting with my mum (she works at the hospital) and seeing all the staff buzzing about. Just want to be doing something. I can't work it out.

    And there is nothing fuckin fun about pining away over something you can't get your head around. Try thinking before you post anything else.
  10. Fed Up!

    Fed Up! Guest


    I posted under the name nomad, that was also me. I can relate to what you are saying, I suspect many people can, if not in hospitals, then somewhere else, maybe a school, maybe a particular club, etc. It's not unusual to feel like you are, but I do think it might be worth getting to why you feel like you do with a professional, if you can.

    Hope you're ok, and I think you did a good thing in posting and asking.
  11. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Thanks nomad. Sorry q6g for flying off the handle. It's not just been hospitals. It was something else a year ago but i'm way to embarassed to tell you that lol. Have you ever seen a film and after it you felt positively shellshocked, like you wanted it to carry on, that you wanted to be in some part of it. It's still not making any sense. I'm gonna save this one for my new therapist. Oh well, spose it's the least of my worries. Thanks for the advice nomad :hug:
  12. nomad

    nomad Guest

    :hug: If you want to keep it to yourself for now, that's cool, but equally, if you want to say, then that's ok too.

    I don't know if this relates or not, but I often see a film, or a tv program where someone cares for someone else in a motherly way and then that night I will often dream about that person and wake up craving to be near them (which is really odd, but I knwo it's related to be desperate for someone to care about me in the way some people -fictional or not- care about others). Not sure if that relates to you at all though, lol.

    I hope your new therapist can help you :)
  13. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    There is an affliction called 'hospital addiction syndrome' or 'Munchausen syndrome' whereby a person exaggerates or creates symptoms of illnesses in themselves in order to gain investigation, treatment, attention, sympathy, and comfort from medical personnel.

    Have a read here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munchausen_syndrome
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 9, 2007
  14. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    I regret even replying to this thread. :mad:

    I won't say anything else 'coz i'm so angry.
  15. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Sorry it made you angry Ruby :(
  16. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    It's good you replied, you were really honest, and you clearly helped h2o. One adverse reaction doesn't mean you are wrong to post.

    Maybe when you have calmed down you could write a calm and rational response and explain your side of it because you owe yourself that :) Take it easy.
  17. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    Ah, I've got to say something.

    I have NEVER been to the the hospital unless I really needed to (appendicitis when required urgent surgery, a suicide attempt that landed me in the high dependency unit and a time when I needed stitches in my arm). I didn't realise that that'd make XXX people like yourself assume that I had fucking borderline personality disorder (I have nothing of the sort). If you think i'm the type who phones an ambulance for a sore throat or a broken finger, you're wrong. Oh, did I mention that i'm diabetic? I'm attending the diabetic clinic next week. Am I doing that for attention? Pushing the doctors over the edge with my attention seeking behaviour? lol. I spent NINE months of my life in hospital when I was 16 (not my own choice, I was sectioned). It was strange when I eventually came home and sometimes I find it difficult. I enjoy the atmosphere in hospital, doesn't mean that i'm going to go every day annoying the medical staff. Seriously, get to know me before you make your inaccurate judgments you XXX.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 9, 2007
  18. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    It was so easy to re-read what you put q6g. Do you not realise how upsetting things are to people. I put my self out on a whim here and it isn't easy for me to talk about it and ruby regrets it now as well. Just be a bit more diplomatic in future rather than starting your replies with, "that sounds like fun", "you are selfish".
  19. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    Ruby, what makes you think that other people
    ??? No-one is accusing here of anything, so whats your beef ?? In fact, what makes you think you are in the centre of attention here?

    It is a general discussion about concerns, worries, thoughts, just chewing the fat in general. You are just a contributor, like the rest of us. But rest assured, the very moment you start insulting people with statements like
    you'll find yourself pretty pronto on the business end of your very own personal 'compassion fatigue.' Surly, alienating members is not something you want to do. :huh::huh:

    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 9, 2007
  20. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for the post I made in this thread. I didn't mean to be insulting, I was just angry.
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