I don't know where to begin. I guess I'm feeling alone and angry and want some support from anyone who could relate or just "get it". I'm having a bad day and if it don't get my thoughts under control it could turn out to be a horrendous day later. I can feel I may need to take some ativan very soon as my heart is starting to beat faster and my thoughts and emotions are turning uncontrollable. I am a divorced from an abusive first husband and now remarried. I'm a mom with 3 kids from my previous marriage and 3 step kids from my current marriage. In all I have 6 kids all 12 years and younger living with me. We are also trying to have an "ours" baby but I have infertility issues so it's been an uphill battle financially and emotionally as we had to do IVF. I struggle with borderline personality disorder and I am extremely sensitive. I feel things more deeply than others it seems and it takes me a long time to go back to "normal". On most days I am ok (relatively calm), but there are times when life just gets too much and it is unbearable to even exist.I feel alone and defensive: I feel like my husband is attacking me and abandoning me, no one is sympathetic to what I me experiencing and I can't deal with all the problems in our family and the baggage that came along with blending a family. And on top of all that my hormones are always out of whack because of my infertility issues. When things get so bad I feel like it would be easier to just end it all. I am tired of the crying and emotional turmoil. Sometimes I feel so distraught that it feels like death would be a relief. I take anti depressants which takes the edge off the lows and helps me function, but if I don't take the ativan I don't sleep well and I have panic attacks. When or if I get pregnant I won't be able to take the ativan any more as it's not safe. Reading this you might think our home is one big chaotic disaster. It actually isn't. The kids are happy for the most part and I have good marriage. There is lots to be thankful and look forward to. I just have so much pain inside that I wonder if anyone feels the same ever. I know I'm overburdened and hurt today and it will pass, but can anyone relate?