Emotional overload, can anyone relate?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Elise, Dec 29, 2015.

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  1. Elise

    Elise New Member

    I don't know where to begin. I guess I'm feeling alone and angry and want some support from anyone who could relate or just "get it". I'm having a bad day and if it don't get my thoughts under control it could turn out to be a horrendous day later. I can feel I may need to take some ativan very soon as my heart is starting to beat faster and my thoughts and emotions are turning uncontrollable.

    I am a divorced from an abusive first husband and now remarried. I'm a mom with 3 kids from my previous marriage and 3 step kids from my current marriage. In all I have 6 kids all 12 years and younger living with me. We are also trying to have an "ours" baby but I have infertility issues so it's been an uphill battle financially and emotionally as we had to do IVF.

    I struggle with borderline personality disorder and I am extremely sensitive. I feel things more deeply than others it seems and it takes me a long time to go back to "normal". On most days I am ok (relatively calm), but there are times when life just gets too much and it is unbearable to even exist.I feel alone and defensive: I feel like my husband is attacking me and abandoning me, no one is sympathetic to what I me experiencing and I can't deal with all the problems in our family and the baggage that came along with blending a family. And on top of all that my hormones are always out of whack because of my infertility issues.

    When things get so bad I feel like it would be easier to just end it all. I am tired of the crying and emotional turmoil. Sometimes I feel so distraught that it feels like death would be a relief.

    I take anti depressants which takes the edge off the lows and helps me function, but if I don't take the ativan I don't sleep well and I have panic attacks. When or if I get pregnant I won't be able to take the ativan any more as it's not safe.

    Reading this you might think our home is one big chaotic disaster. It actually isn't. The kids are happy for the most part and I have good marriage. There is lots to be thankful and look forward to.

    I just have so much pain inside that I wonder if anyone feels the same ever. I know I'm overburdened and hurt today and it will pass, but can anyone relate?
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Elise and welcome, I can relate to the emotional overload. What you are going through must be so difficult. Will you be getting any more IVF? Please don't think a baby can fix your issues though because sometimes it can make things worse (yes, I watch Jeremy Kyle lol) but I really do feel for you. I am glad your kids are happy and you are now in a stable relationship, so happy to hear you got out of the abusive one, do you think you're still having ''after effects'' from that relationship? I wish you all the best.
    2 people like this.
  3. Elise

    Elise New Member

    We are supposed to be doing another IVF cycle as soon as my period starts and I'm waiting for it to arrive. My cycles are all over the place though so it's anyone's guess.

    The argument with my husband escalated and he was yelling at me and so very angry. I couldn't take it emotionally. I downed another 2 ativan and then I hated myself. I took a pair of scissors and about 6 inches off my long beautiful hair. I thought that maybe I could feel not so out of control perhaps. I drove an hour in the car to a friend's house and cried the whole way. I am sad and feel unable to cope. I don't want to go home. I texted my husband that I wouldn't be home today and I wanted to kill myself. He didn't reaspond at all and he never cares about my well being. Which makes me feel much more alone and have no hope to keep going.
  4. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Cooee Elise, glad you decided to stop by and sign up! Although the reason you felt you had to join are not necessarily good ones one, but you have definitely made the right choice in choosing to join - compared to other suicide sites on the internet, suicideforums.com is perhaps the best of the best, because not only the members are going through their own personal problems, but also the staff, moderators and administrators themselves, so everyone here, you can relate you and can relate you you in one way or another. And SF is also a great place where you do not have to worry about being put down or misunderstood (although there have been the occasional trolls on the site that attempt to post nasty comments, but thankfully, the staff on SF are very quick quick to combat them and kick and block them from the site, so SF is a very friendly website because of the content it deals with on a daily basis.
    A lot, if not most members (and even some of the staff members) go through what you are now, which is one great aspect (delending on how you look at it) so you will always have someone who is willing to lend you a friendly ear whenever you need it, day or night, since someone is always online and most members are very kind and compassionate that you will be surprised at the rappor you make with some members.

    I am sorry, I cannot comment about your troubles with your husband or how he does not understand you, because I have never been married, and it would be an insult if I even tried. The best that I could do is say that if things like that between you both have been going on for quite some time, maybe you should have a trial - note, a TRIAL - seperation, not a divorce, because a lot of the time, a trial seperation, tends to make married people come to realise just how much they care for each other and love each other and sometimes (not always sadly to say) gives them both a newfound respect in their relationship after discovering what they have taken for granted.

    But to kill yourself because of your current situation... I hope you do not take offense, but that is not the way to go with your relationship like it is right now, because you are only in the Here and Now and not thinking of the near future,where you could possibly turn your life around for the better, be it, if worse comes to worse and you end up getting a divorce, then you could find yourself walking down the road one day and turning a corner and bumb into someone who truely treats you as you have always have always wanted to be treated and give his full love and soul to you.

    But enough of that, greetings to SF (from both mysekf and PPG Bubbles) - I normally would greet people with bubbles, but that emoticon is not enabled right now, since the new site format, so I am afraid you will have to contend with my little cute-pie avatar of PPG Bubbles - she will love you to pay attention to her and think she is very cute. :)

    By the way, although my member name is Moat, please feel free to call me Vaz (short for Vazzen) - everyone else does on SF and would be an honour for you to call me that :)
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Wow, what a story of so much emotional upheaval dealing with children, running a massive household and trying for a new baby. I respect you for what you dealing with on a day to day basis. You have to the right place as we can give them emotional support as writing your own feelings down will also help you.

    I recommend that you use the diary function to express your feelings here. Dealing with your situation is going very demanding physically and mentally. Yes, it's hard but sometimes when you have no choice you Havel to dig deep and find the inner strength to move forward with your life. You will understand, test the only ones who really care are the ones who survive like you on a day to day basis.

    Please take care and be safe.
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