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Emotional Vomit

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by r127q, Apr 13, 2012.

  1. r127q

    r127q Well-Known Member

    Be careful, don’t wear your good shoes in here.

    I’m just going to see if this helps. It is worth a try. I have tried everything else.

    My body hurts, physically and mentally. My pelvis hurts, my chest has these shooting (yet barable) pains, I get frequent headaches, my skin itches all over -- I have small scabs all over from itching myself all the time. I take baths and showers, but it is only a temporary fix. I feel like I need to run away, I can’t sit still; all I can do is lie in bed, rocking, and wish for my life to just fade away. I wish for it so hard, I start to cry.

    I hug my bed covers and pillow and sob. I hate how my body quakes sometimes; not like a seizure, but kinda like a Chihuahua. My legs feel like they will buckle any second. If I am in public, I have to leave and go home. My home is the only place I can be myself. I live by myself, but that is how I like it. I need a lot of alone time to ‘recover’ if I have to be around people for any length of time. I am such a waste of space.

    I am a hard worker, but not social. No one will hire an extreme introvert like me because of all the negative media coverage calling those people who shoot for moot, “loners”. The term is a misnomer – those people are not true loners if they are shooting people because they didn’t get enough attention, or were mad at popular people, or were having money problems. True loners like/need to be alone. Being alone doesn’t cause me any distress; socializing is stressful.

    I don’t hate people, but I just don’t have that kind of social energy. My energy is more geared toward solitary things – like lab work, microscope/telescope work, anything tedious that takes a long time. I’d be content sorting out a huge ball of lint fibers one by one, before I’d ever go to a convention or concert of any kind.

    I have digestive issues, and have to stay on a strict diet. Stress hits on every part of my life – from my nerves, my stomach, digesting, … to going out and getting the mail (especially when I have been a hermit for a week and my box is full and I have to just go get it). I’m not agoraphobic, I just sometimes go through periods of time that I have a … not sure what the right words are here. I feel hesitant and unwilling … or sense of impending doom where I just don’t want to leave my room.

    I am a rational person, but these feelings/emotions are stronger than my will a lot of the time. I can’t just overcome them by forcing myself out of them. I’ve been on a lot of different medications, but my system is so sensitive, they did more harm than good. I’m not a whiner, and put up with the horrible side effects for a long time, because they kept telling me it will get better if I gave it a chance. I gave them plenty of time – 10 years of MY time. I’m better off dead than continuing like this.

    I only take a select few essential vitamins now, and they do help a bit (especially the B’s). I also have to take anti-inflammatory over-the-counter meds. I have a few autoimmune issues, but steroid and immune suppressors are not options I can handle anymore.

    So, I have to make do. I feel so very worthless, tired, in and out of control over my own body and mind. Sleeping can feel good sometimes, and just laying on my side staring at the wall in my quiet room; but, this is no existence. What good am I? I’m a hurting lump of skin, hair, and bones, with no one willing to give me a chair in a quiet room and do work that no one else can do. Something I’m good at, and can be appreciated for. No, there is nothing in this world for me. It has been made known to me quite clearly with the 57 turn downs of my applications in the past 6 months. About 6 of them have been for janitorial positions (and I have two 4yr college degrees in the sciences in the honors range for gpa).

    The world doesn’t want me, have no friends or family; I don’t even want me. I have a date all picked out. It isn’t today, though.

    I don’t feel any better having vomited all that out. Oh well, it was worth a shot.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just a reply to let you know someone's listening.
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member


    You're obviously a very bright, talented individual. One that most people would be lucky to know. I understand that you must be infuriated by the lack of success in finding work in your field, with your educational credentials, and exceptional skills. It sounds like you've put an exhaustive effort into the application process, which shows excellent work ethic, on your part. If you can just hold out a little bit longer, it could pay off, and you may prosper. The job market and economy still is trying, and there's lots of competition, and in certain cases, such as jobs outside of your training, you may actually be overqualified, and employers may feel you'd be unhappy working for them, at a reduced wage, and therefore consider your hire a risk. My friend just graduated from Veterinarian School two years ago and she's still looking for her first job. So, you're not alone! Best Wishes.
  4. r127q

    r127q Well-Known Member

    Perhaps, but they should take into account I wouldn't be applying for such jobs if I could get anything better. They have no way of knowing they would be saving my life just by giving me a floorto mop ... but hey, I guess I shouldn't expet them to want to help me. They don't want me to be miserable working for them, but they are okay with me being miserable outside their company. Nice.