I was suppost to get married in 2weeks but now I find myself completely alone. My boyfriend of 4 years moved out of our apartment 3 days ago, took our 2 children. I've been on leave from work to have my son for the past 6 weeks. Last week was my first week back. It's almost the first of the month and I can't pay my rent or electric. I have doctor bills that just keep coming. I have him treating me like everything is my fault. I feel like our relationship meant nothing to him. I tried my best to do what needed to be done to make things work. Nothing was good enough. Just days before all of this he told me loved me. I feel like I can't go on. I have friends I can talk to about this. I'm afraid to seem like I'm threatening them for attention I'm afraid to worry them since a friend of ours was successful with his suicide 5 months ago. I feel ashamed that I can't be more in control. I'm still hoping that things will fix themselves. My boyfriend (or ex now) took some of his basic needs things and went to live with his brother. He left everything else. I fear the day he decides to come get the rest. He did this before but I had warning then. That was my "first" attempt. Had I not been lucky my body took over and purged its self I would have been successful. I fear this time will send me over. Suicides always been in the back of my mind, happy or sad. Its there. Tonight I wrote I death note. Just incase I dont wake up. Only thing getting me by right now is a spiked drink and my left over pain meds. I'm trying my best not to let my emotional pain take over. Its hard. One day at a time. I just needed to finally tell someone!