Emotional wreck

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Taror, Feb 25, 2012.

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  1. Taror

    Taror New Member

    I was suppost to get married in 2weeks but now I find myself completely alone.
    My boyfriend of 4 years moved out of our apartment 3 days ago, took our 2 children.
    I've been on leave from work to have my son for the past 6 weeks. Last week was my first week back.
    It's almost the first of the month and I can't pay my rent or electric. I have doctor bills that just keep coming.
    I have him treating me like everything is my fault. I feel like our relationship meant nothing to him.
    I tried my best to do what needed to be done to make things work. Nothing was good enough.
    Just days before all of this he told me loved me.
    I feel like I can't go on.
    I have friends I can talk to about this. I'm afraid to seem like I'm threatening them for attention
    I'm afraid to worry them since a friend of ours was successful with his suicide 5 months ago.

    I feel ashamed that I can't be more in control.
    I'm still hoping that things will fix themselves.
    My boyfriend (or ex now) took some of his basic needs things and went to live with his brother.
    He left everything else. I fear the day he decides to come get the rest.
    He did this before but I had warning then. That was my "first" attempt.
    Had I not been lucky my body took over and purged its self I would have been successful.
    I fear this time will send me over.

    Suicides always been in the back of my mind, happy or sad. Its there.
    Tonight I wrote I death note. Just incase I dont wake up.
    Only thing getting me by right now is a spiked drink and my left over pain meds.
    I'm trying my best not to let my emotional pain take over. Its hard.
    One day at a time.

    I just needed to finally tell someone!
     
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    That is one heartbreaking story you've told....I am almost speechless! All I will tell you is that if this is how he honestly feels about you, then it is best to discover the truth now, before you waste any more of your life on him. That's only my opinion, and how I would hope to view the situation were it mine. However, I know that without an outside object view, I'd likely fail to see through the fog as I'm drenched in painful emotion. So, I understand how devastated you must be and I am sorry for you. But BELIEVE ME-it is not worth ending your life over! I'm sure it feels right or seems perfect or even sounds correct. But you are blinded by the breakup. Imagine you could fast forward five years: do you really think you'd agree with such a decision then? I doubt it! I hope it doesn't come across as harsh in my language; because, I can sometimes be blunt. And I figure there are probably enough people in your life who will spoon feed you what you want to hear. Take Care!
     
  3. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for all the pain that has happened to you. I know what it's like to be afraid to open up to people about things, but this forum is certainly a place you can do so without being judged. I don't want to give you the wrong advice, but please no that your hurt is not in vain and that you aren't alone. I hope that today will be a little better for you and eventually things turn out okay for you and your kids.
     
  4. Taror

    Taror New Member

    MisterBGone, I appreciate you being blunt. I really do need it.

    Sadhart, Thank you :)

    I keep going through emotional spurts. I can be fine for a few hours then the rest of the day I'm a wreck.
    I've always been suicidal, since I was very young. This event just makes the voice yell louder.

    I'm going to pick up my kids today. I'll be emotional thinking of how I'm now alone with them
    but they'll keep me out of harm and help me through.
     
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