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emotionally abusive relationships

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by wheresmysheep, Sep 25, 2010.

  1. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Has anyone been in one and left the person?
    how have you coped when you miss that person?
    What do you do to distract yourself?
    I've tried the friend thing, but my friends arent always around, and i cant tell them how im feeling as they dont understand and get angry.
    I think its the comfort and sligh security i felt when i was around him, nothing more really, poss his stupidness sometimes.. but not mainly.
    I feel very weak becaue of all this.
    And i dont want to go back to him, i dont want another relationship with him, but i miss him all at the same time
  2. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I've been in a very slightly similar situation - I'm hesitant to go as far as calling it emotional abuse but the things you've typed sound very familiar to me. The best thing you can do is just keep reminding yourself of the things he's done, said, the negative impact it's had on you and never forget how he's treated you. I still get moments of weakness where I buckle and consider going back to my ex, because of feelings of loneliness and desperation, but at the end of the day you have to realise that if you were with him again then you still wouldn't be happy, and in the long run it wouldn't solve anything or make your life any easier.

    Thing that worked for me the most aside from the constant reminding myself of the bad things I'd been through and how miserable being with him again would make me, I tried to keep away from him. No regular contact, no allowing myself to stop and think too hard on him or anything at all related to him. A complete cleanse. I did this for a few months and eventually I stopped missing him as much, or having thoughts of him to the point that now I'm pretty stable in my current condition and despite the fact that I still feel lonely and miserable a lot being on my own, I know what a HUGE mistake it would be for me to go back to him, especially for selfish, wrong reasons, so whenever my mind wanders off and thinks "Maybe I should get back with him..?" a red flag instantly goes up and I can shove the thought aside entirely.

    Good luck and I hope you manage to get through this. :)
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    wow Mysheep....what a coincidence.....I'm reading a book about that at the moment and it's amazing...
    But He Never Hit Me - the devastating cost of non-physical abuse to girls and women
    by Dr. Jill A Murray....

    highly recommend it for anyone who puts up with emotional abuse from anyone..not just partners..
    I had an emotionally abusive husband and then a long term partner who did the same thing....i seem to attract them...I moved towns so i could get over the partner ...
    currently i have a male cousin who I let do the same thing to me when I see him..but my counselor has reinforced that I must tell him to stay away....
    well done for knowing it was time to look after yourself...
  4. Fridays child

    Fridays child Member

    I've been in abusive, controlling relationships too. I think one thing they (the abuser) does is to isolate you from others so you end up feeling so reliant on them that it blurs your normal logical judgement and you often don't realise just how badly you're being treated. You lose your frame of reference because your world becomes smaller.

    Leaving that person can be exhilarating and exciting and a whole new life but it's natural to feel some emotional confusion because there is always some 'trauma' when you're in a toxic relationship and that is naturally going to cloud your mind a bit.

    I remember sitting in a pub with some female friends and literally shaking with fear because he never let me go out without him and I couldn't believe I'd really left him. I kept expecting him to burst in the door and drag me out by my hair. It was scary but it was the only choice. If I'd stayed with him he'd have either ended up killing me or I would have got used to the beatings and that would have been my life forever more.

    Of course I still felt an emotional attachment to him at that point but only because we'd been together for ages and were 'childhood sweethearts'. I was still only 21 and I was scared that he would kill himself (or me) if I left but I left and it was the best thing I ever did.

    The best thing that helped me was having lots of good friends and caring people around me. I'd totally recommend calling all of your friends and arranging to see them, even if you haven't seen them in ages. Just stay strong and I think you already know that you're not a victim, you're a survivor.
  5. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    I was in a very abusive relationship just recently actually. Even with five people telling me I NEEDED to dump him..
    He's make fun of how I look or how I act in front of his friends or his family. He'd even hurt me physically.. Well not really beat me. When he'd make fun of me he'd try to kiss me but I'd reject it, so he'd end up grabbing my face hard and sometimes it left bruises. But most of it was emotional
    I was told to dump him weeks after we started dating. I never did. Finally I got the courage to.

    It was a horrible break up, and even though I was the one doing it he turned it around to make it like I was the bad one in the relationship. So I was crushed for a couple days (btw he replaced me with a girl about two days later) Finally, I just got over it.

    It helped that I was talking to another guy that made me feel allottt better about myself (we ended up dating a month later)

    But yea, its hard to cope.. but I felt better with myself by doing so.
  6. dirtyLife

    dirtyLife Member

    ..hi, it's been a way of life for me until recently. I now realize that my insecurities made me co-dependant on the men in my life. I have broken free finally and it's been tough going. I now know never to go back to that way of living again.