Emotions all over the place today...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Jul 16, 2015.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I thought I was actually doing a bit better recently. My moods have been up and down and I have been rapid cycling but I have been compliant with my meds and properly engaging with my psychiatrist and therapists. Even though things have been a bit topsy turvey with the rapid cycling, I thought I was doing a little better and managing better. That was until yesterday. I went to therapy in a really good mood, I was happy to report that I didn't really have any issues as such to bring to the agenda, only that I had been using my therapy techniques to keep things under control but I did mention that I felt slightly disappointed that I am having to take things slowly with my medication but that I had accepted this. I don't know how, but instead of sharing my successes over the past week I somehow got interrogated, as I told them I had pissed about with my meds and then I got probed into the reasons why and things got very deep, very quickly and I ended up in floods of tears. I talked about things I had never ever talked about before and I was shaking something chronic and I got very distressed and upset. The things I talked about I had never considered having an impact on me before, but apparently it did and the childhood I thought was great is apparently not as great as I'd like to think. And amongst other things like sexual and racial abuse I'd suffered which I have never ever talked about before, except on this forum. A lot of it has lead to a lot of negativity towards myself, especially in times of need and crisis because I just withdraw and feel like I cannot say anything to anybody. I just isolate and do stupid shit like not take my meds, stop going to my appointments etc. and I don't ever talk about my feelings to anyone IRL, not even my partner. I mention some things some times but I just keep everything bottled up inside. My therapists told me that I must be in a very lonely place because I deal with everything alone, and it was understandable because when I've needed help in the past, people have not helped me so I just learned not to bother. It's all a bit of a blur now but it just brought home to me how lonely I am, how fucked up everything is and how I really am not okay.

    I've just come home from work in floods of tears for absolutely no reason at all. In fact, I am in floods whilst I am writing this. I know delving deep into issues unsettles you, can really upset you but it is usually a good sign that things are being brought up and dealt with. I understand that. But with how everything is, I don't know if I can ever change, and I don't know if I can ever change the feeling that one day I will die by my own hand. It's made me realise even that all I can ever do is cope, and I don't want to just learn to cope with feeling shitty. It's just re affirming my beliefs that one day I will decide enough is enough. I can't really see a future anymore. I can't see the things I used to see. I can't see me getting married, having children anymore. I just get by day to day, and I do not want that life for myself. I was asked the question yesterday of whether I was satisfied with my life. I said I have a lot of good things in my life. I have a job that I love, I have an amazing fiancé, supportive parents, a couple of good friends and I have lovely work colleagues, a roof over my head, a new car, maybe getting married etc. and a brightish looking future. But then I said, what's the point of it all if you can't be happy and you just spend every day stuck in pain and misery.

    I just don't know what to do anymore. I just can't see anything ever more and I just feel like everything is futile more and more each day. My great uncle said that when my cousin killed himself, he questioned the world, questioned everything and when he did what he did, he found the answer he was looking for. I think I am getting closer to my answer, and it's one where I cease to exist on this planet.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Therapy is so rough it is and depression will sit on the surface now for awhile not be hidden so deep within you. It WILL AND CAN get better but time you have to give it time ok
    talk to your therapist give therapist a call telling t how unsettled you have become since last session
    tears are ok Butterfly they are pain is there for a reason so hold on ok you are going to be ok you are.
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Nothing is getting better though, nothing ever gets better. It hasn't gotten any better for the past 20 or so years, so why will it now?
  4. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Staff Member Safety & Support SF Author SF Supporter

    Butterfly, I am not going to ask you to be optimistic about the situation you are in. We have to be sort of realistic here.

    I assume what I wrote below this line will sound harsh, but I don't mean to hurt your feelings any further. I'll try to open the shell, with care. Hopefully I do not sound angry or upset in anyway, because I'm not. I actually care for who you are.

    Okay, here it goes...

    What feelings will you be able to feel in the future? Should you perhaps alter certain beliefs you hold over yourself and being you?
    If our minds have a mental filter that only shows us the negative events and things in life, at the end of every single day... then we actually start to believe that everything is complete shit.
    "Spend every day stuck in pain and misery." But it's not every second of every day the same feelings? 1440 minutes each day in hell... If we overgeneralize things, then our beliefs get so messed up. Who would survive such mental torture?
    There were a ton of neutral experiences, that we seem to forget. Plenty of positive experiences too, in order for you to fight and survive for so long, but it's hard to recall them isn't it? They get overshadowed somehow.

    Not going to be the person who throws the ladder down for you climb to out of the hole of, that would be impossible through means of communication.
    You have done so much thinking about your own psychological problems, for a long time now. There is nothing wrong with it, you think according to what you know.

    As you said it yourself, 20 years and your brain has not gotten healthier or better. Your brain is not producing the feelings you want to experience.
    You once made a short statement in the past: "Why can't I just be happy?" in one of our conversations we had in 2012 I believe.

    Is happiness the end goal of it all? No way in hell, it's not a permanent feeling and you already know this. Even with an individual being happy, because they met certain conditions for their own self to experience those feelings, the individual still has to experience the full range of emotions in their lifetime.
    They still end up living a life where there are times when a person is not feeling those happy sensations.
    You could ask yourself where your idea comes from, that you want just want to be happy? Are there not other feelings, that also have significant meaning for your wellbeing, that you could aim for?

    In no way am I saying that you shouldn't be happy or that you are not allowed to experience those feelings. Could it be that you might try to create a goal that you are actually able to achieve?

    If we were able to give you a happy feeling through means of text on a screen we would already have.

    This is all meant to help you alter the beliefs you hold over yourself. I could have been all tender and sweet, but after all your suffering we have to be real with eachother.

    I care Lexi... I really do. I would not spend all this time writing if I didn't believe in you.
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi Ken I do appreciate the reply, I will try to answer your post as detailed as possible and don't worry you've not upset me!!

    I am trying to alter my beliefs that I have about myself through the therapy I am doing and it will be an ongoing process even when the therapy finishes. This includes the negative beliefs that I possess. I don't necessarily think I am a bad person. Not every belief I have about myself is negative. I am fairly smart, I'm good at my job, I must be fairly likeable as my parents like me, my fiancé likes me and I have friends. I am good at some things, and I am not good at other things, that's life, you can't be good at everything, lol. I don't think I am particularly useless, although I could be better in some respects. But I can't shake some of the bad thoughts I have, some of the pain that I feel. Maybe therapy will help, I don't know, but it hasn't helped so far. Don't get me wrong my therapy has been hugely beneficial and I would recommend it to everyone, but certain things, it hasn't helped with. Sometimes when I am in the pits of depression the bad thoughts do takeover, but I don't possess those thoughts or those beliefs all of the time.

    Maybe happy is the wrong word to use. And maybe achieving happiness is unrealistic. I just want to achieve a level of wellness where I am not mentally tormented every day. I don't want to live a life every day where I am either gripped by the depression, or I am battling hypomania and psychosis. It is so hard, and so tiring. Sometimes there are triggers, sometimes there are not. I guess I have been my own worst enemy in the past by not engaging with my treatment at times and non complying with my meds. I discussed this in the therapy sessions and they said that due to my past experiences, going back to when I was a child, whenever I have needed any help or asked for it, I have literally been left alone and from an early age I have just learned to deal with everything alone. I think this is something that I can maybe work on with therapy and I think they want to help me with it, but it's going to be a tough deal trying to change a life time of learned behaviour. Maybe I can change these beliefs and behaviour, maybe I can't, but it explains why I just shut off. When things get bad my way of self destructing is to completely isolate myself. I guess it is a learned safety strategy.

    I have posted about these things before, and talked about these things before (non compliance issues) and people have a tendency to then react negatively towards me because essentially I have set myself up to fall and it is my own doing, maybe it is but I can't always help it. It makes me even less likely to reach out. I am in a terribly lonely place. Anyway back on to the happiness thing, yeah, maybe it is unrealistic. Mental wellness and stability is more achievable perhaps but I really can't see that happening at this point. Maybe a few months here and there but never a continuum.

    I don't know, I just don't know anymore. I am getting so tired and weary of it all. I always hoped that I would get better and I would get well again. I have tried, really tried. But, I just feel like I am faller deeper and deeper. I can only see one way out of this and that is me being realistic.
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