I thought I was actually doing a bit better recently. My moods have been up and down and I have been rapid cycling but I have been compliant with my meds and properly engaging with my psychiatrist and therapists. Even though things have been a bit topsy turvey with the rapid cycling, I thought I was doing a little better and managing better. That was until yesterday. I went to therapy in a really good mood, I was happy to report that I didn't really have any issues as such to bring to the agenda, only that I had been using my therapy techniques to keep things under control but I did mention that I felt slightly disappointed that I am having to take things slowly with my medication but that I had accepted this. I don't know how, but instead of sharing my successes over the past week I somehow got interrogated, as I told them I had pissed about with my meds and then I got probed into the reasons why and things got very deep, very quickly and I ended up in floods of tears. I talked about things I had never ever talked about before and I was shaking something chronic and I got very distressed and upset. The things I talked about I had never considered having an impact on me before, but apparently it did and the childhood I thought was great is apparently not as great as I'd like to think. And amongst other things like sexual and racial abuse I'd suffered which I have never ever talked about before, except on this forum. A lot of it has lead to a lot of negativity towards myself, especially in times of need and crisis because I just withdraw and feel like I cannot say anything to anybody. I just isolate and do stupid shit like not take my meds, stop going to my appointments etc. and I don't ever talk about my feelings to anyone IRL, not even my partner. I mention some things some times but I just keep everything bottled up inside. My therapists told me that I must be in a very lonely place because I deal with everything alone, and it was understandable because when I've needed help in the past, people have not helped me so I just learned not to bother. It's all a bit of a blur now but it just brought home to me how lonely I am, how fucked up everything is and how I really am not okay. I've just come home from work in floods of tears for absolutely no reason at all. In fact, I am in floods whilst I am writing this. I know delving deep into issues unsettles you, can really upset you but it is usually a good sign that things are being brought up and dealt with. I understand that. But with how everything is, I don't know if I can ever change, and I don't know if I can ever change the feeling that one day I will die by my own hand. It's made me realise even that all I can ever do is cope, and I don't want to just learn to cope with feeling shitty. It's just re affirming my beliefs that one day I will decide enough is enough. I can't really see a future anymore. I can't see the things I used to see. I can't see me getting married, having children anymore. I just get by day to day, and I do not want that life for myself. I was asked the question yesterday of whether I was satisfied with my life. I said I have a lot of good things in my life. I have a job that I love, I have an amazing fiancé, supportive parents, a couple of good friends and I have lovely work colleagues, a roof over my head, a new car, maybe getting married etc. and a brightish looking future. But then I said, what's the point of it all if you can't be happy and you just spend every day stuck in pain and misery. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just can't see anything ever more and I just feel like everything is futile more and more each day. My great uncle said that when my cousin killed himself, he questioned the world, questioned everything and when he did what he did, he found the answer he was looking for. I think I am getting closer to my answer, and it's one where I cease to exist on this planet.