Was wondering what you think of this, shutting emotions down. I had a horrible day at school today. My students were being rude and defiant like they've never been before, not listening or doing work because they're pissed off with a seating plan I gave them today (which was a result of them talking all the time for the past several weeks). I was close to cutting myself, even scratched myself with a ruler where my wrists are but didn't of course do anything. As the day was coming to an end though I just stopped feeling anything, emotionally. Like I was like a zombie and just completely shut down. We had a staff meeting and I just sat there and didn't say or do anything, I could hear everything that was said but was completely zoned out. Like part of me just didn't care about anything, where I was or what was going on or anything. Sometimes when I get depressed I think of killing myself- not seriously like planning or anything- but I wasn't, I was just feeling absolutely nothing. Zero. I don't know if this is good or not, now what's happened is coming back and I'm feeling like crying and hurting and it doesn't feel good but at least I'm feeling something. I was talking with my counselor about stuff I sometimes say to myself or feel when I'm going through crap. One of these messages is "Go and f-ing kill yourself! Kill yourself and make the world a better place". I don't know where the hell these thoughts come from, I think I really suck at my job though. No matter what I do I'm having trouble getting these kids interested, no matter how fun and engaging I try to make my lessons and it seems no matter what I do I can't get them to listen or follow the rules. I must be a horrible teacher I don't know anyone else who's having this much problems with their kids. Sorry, got a lot off my chest, thanks for listening.