Hm, I'm not exactly sure whether or not this is the right place or not, but here goes... I figured I best "rant" or "express" my feelings while I'm calm. In short, I'm feeling relatively happy at the moment but in the long run I'm going f*cking bananas. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder as well as depression two years ago, and now at 18yo I'm feeling moderately better off because I've been moderately good with blocking out, ignoring or disregarding any negative thoughts. I pretty much started this when I stopped taking meds and wasn't obligated to see anymore social workers, etc. I must admit this method has been quite effective to me, since I never really liked expressing my feelings on a one-on-one basis. However, I can't help but think that I'm doing more harm than good - for the past year I've started to notice a pattern with my behaviours and emotions that I'm highly irritated of. The first stage starts off with some negative thoughts entering, but at this point I'm able to negate it. Thoughts of "you're worthless and pathetic" and "you're good for nothing" are retaliated with the sentiment that your worth is based on how you perceive it to be, or how if you feel that you're life has no meaning then go seek and do things that puts meaning in your life. I find this logical enough and I always used this to bounce back from a situation that I previously thought was impossible to fix (i.e. school, etc.). However, with the build-up of external circumstances rising (such as financial woes, inability to help out with the family, the feeling of my education going nowhere), my ability to "bounce back" deteriorates gradually. And it takes pretty much one slightly major event or circumstance to make me explode. This is where the second stage kicks in. I go back to my previous state of coping and I just cry, cry and cry. At this stage I pretty much either shut myself from the world, or socialise like crazy to distract myself from those feelings. Both are quite ineffective at this stage. At this point there's nothing but the feeling of despair and I just feel extremely confused, worthless and completely and utterly irrational. I try so badly to harden myself up and suck it up, but it doesn't really work. There's no sense of that "light at the end of the tunnel" and soon after thoughts of worthlessness are just followed by "yep, go kill yourself". And at the third stage I do make some attempts - very minor, mind you. Whether it'd be through hanging, drowning, etc. I know that I will never succeed in attempting suicide. The thoughts of family and friends keeps me from being determined, and in a way I'm both grateful and resentful. I know that I don't want to die - but rather just end the pain itself and so I'm grateful in that respect. The resentment stems from the fact that I just feel so trapped into their wants for me to live. There's also the guilt of the potential ramifications of suicide; I may be irrational and impulsive at this stage, but not to the point where I can disregard this guilt. I spend quite a lengthy time depressed, angry and extremely resentful. But... after a period of time I do come to a realisation that I can control whether I live or not to an extent. I can die if I chose to, if I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. And I see a relief in the fact I do have a measure of control in that respect. The pressure suddenly disappears, the negative thoughts begin to deteriorate and I just get that childlike kick with life - I'm curious, fascinated and just... giddy. Logic comes around I suppose. And we're pretty much back to stage one. I suppose the point of this was to express my thoughts in writing, gather some advice and just... well, see if there's a way to end this Goddamn cycle. I must admit I don't see a point in living if this is how things are going to be for the next 20-40 years. If anything, the thought terrifies me. It's just not the quality of life I was expecting. I'm not expecting life to be farting rainbows, but at the same time I don't want to experience these negative feelings on a regular basis. So I just want to find an alternative, really. With suicide being the very last resort. If I make it as an option. I must admit I am very, very, very, very, very adamant in not seeking professional help. I was involved with a youth mental health organisation for two years where - although I developed an ability to be able to discuss about my feelings - my trust in people began to deteriorate heavily. The cons outweigh the pros with seeking professional help, and so I don't see a point in it. And talking to friends/family doesn't help to - my family laughs when I mention anything remotely suicidal or depressing (literally) and with my friends... they worry too much. And putting that burden on them is extremely selfish of me to do. For both friends and family. Argh, I apologise if I'm contradicting myself at some parts; my mind is an absolute blur at the moment. And I would assume that this is a pretty lengthy post - so if it is I apologise!