Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by perfect-flaw, Dec 27, 2007.

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  1. perfect-flaw

    perfect-flaw Active Member

    I've never really talked to anyone about what depression really is, but I guess this is a really good place to start. I want to know what I can do, based on this little look inside my swarm of emotions.

    Fear, I think, conquers all. Always, all the time, that sometimes I cry before I go to sleep, because I'm so afraid of going somewhere, anywhere at all. Sometimes I cry when I wake up because I don't know what to expect, and I'm so afraid. Too afraid, that I end up being afraid of being afraid... Like an endless vicious circle.

    And then, as I push myself to get up in the morning, and start getting ready, it's a new emotion of self-hate. Like, I'm compelled to throw something at the mirror at times, and most of the times, I don't even glance at the mirror, as I brush my teeth, and refuse to make myself look pretty in the morning, because I just don't want to fail at that.

    Sometimes, something really little, like having to write a test the next day, will make me burst out into tears. Thinking about it know, brings this sickening feeling in my stomach, and I'm shaking, because I know I'm only getting a 55 in math, and I need a 60. I get so agitated, and I just want to cry, scream and give up. Give up, all the time.

    And then, I do give up. I cry, scream, get so worried and agitated, and then I give up and convince myself that I can't do it. I lose it all.

    Then, when I feel good, when I smile, I get scared again. Scared that it's fake, scared that it's going to be taken away from me, scared that I'm too happy, or a perfect example right now, too in love.. So I run, I leave it all behind, and just go back to being sad, because it's so easy to. It's so easy to convince myself that I should be sad and crying and silent. Whereas, actually being in love, I'm scared it's all fake, or limited.

    And sometimes, I'll be neutral, and suddenly, my mood will just drop, like a bomb. For no reason at all. I'll be talking to someone, and then I get the urge to shut up, and hide in my corner.. Like I'm afraid of life. Like something randomly decided to remind me that I can't be happy.

    Then I'll get lost in all that HAS happened, and I become a product of my past, and not just.. me. I think that I HAVE to be a whore, act like one, because my ex made me his. I think that I have to cut, because I did, because it was who I used to be. I don't like change.

    The whore thing is a big factor now as well. I'm letting someone already push me around so much, even though every once and a while, I mention I'm not comfortable with more than hugging and light kissing, when I'm 'dealing' or considering a relationship. Yet, he expects everything up to but not including sex, and I fold... because it's how I should be.

    I try so hard to make everyone ELSE happy. I am so convinced that my entire purpose is to help everyone else live their LIVES. Even if it means losing mine, my identity.

    Sometimes I get so shaken up for absolutely no reason.. I lose sleep. I'll be at the computer, and I can't sleep, because I'm so nervous about nothing.. I get really cold, and shaky, and then that feeling of dread, like I almost WANT something to happen... Something bad

    And then, there is, and I hate admitting this, my addiction to pity. I crave it, because it's attention, and yet I hate it... I let something slip, and they pity me, and I love it because it means they care, and it makes me feel worth it, and then its gone. Then they start thinking I lie, accuse me of making thing up to get special treatment, and they're gone... but at least they cared.

    I'm fine around people. I can have fun, play my piano, be at school talk to my friends.. But it feels so surreal, so fake. Like, sometimes I'll live as if I am so convinced someone is filming me 24/7, like it's a movie, and I have to act a certain way.. Even by myself, the way I lie down on my bed, the way I walk, everything.

    I don't even know what this is. Depression as I know it, is so different. My mother has it, and she was just a real downer.. I mean, I know it was more confusing than that, more complicating, but never like this.

    I don't feel like I want to die, I just feel like I should. Like, it's what I'm destined to do.

    The only fact we know when we are born, is that someday, we will die.

    What do I conclude of all of this?:sad:
  2. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    Hi :smile:

    Just to say, though it probably won't help, that I could've written that myself. I know how you feel, I know how hard it is to try and drag yourself out of it, and how more often than not it is easier and better for everyone if you just wallow in it, and leave everything the way it is, the way it has always been.

    But well done for talking about it. It helps, even though you may not feel it at the moment - every time you write something down it releases those feelings a teensy bit, it releases your hurt. Keep dragging those feelings out, and you may start to feel better about yourself and get up the emotional strength to help yourself out of the vicious circle of depression you are in.

    If you want to talk, or scream and shout, rant, or whatever, you can PM me. Maybe we can help each other?

  3. perfect-flaw

    perfect-flaw Active Member

    I don't know if I should tell someone and get this treated... Because I don't want it getting in the way anymore.I just want to be able to love... without being afraid...

    Especially since now I have found someone, and my fear of losing him, is driving him further.:sad:
  4. voices_inmy_head

    voices_inmy_head Well-Known Member

    I feel like im reading about myself.

    Theres lots of help out there, you have the motivation so Id say it was definatly worth talking to you doctor, wether you try medication or therapy if you want the help it generally works.

    Good luck and go see your doctor!
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