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Emptiness

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Thefunisover, Sep 24, 2018.

  1. Thefunisover

    Thefunisover Active Member

    I always feel such a disheartening sense of emptiness when in conversation with others (family included), even people I was once very close with.

    Tonight I hooked up my Xbox for the first time in a couple months. I decided to game for a little and chat with 2 friends I haven’t spoken to in a long while. I’ve been good friends with the one person for about 4 years now, the other about 2 years. We’ve all had such good times! We’d always cry laughing together and always would make the best out of days we’d hang out together, regardless of our plans.

    I deleted all forms of social media, wiped my phone contacts, and got rid of the phone number I’ve had for 3 1/2 years 2 months ago. I’ve sort of separated myself from a lot of people due to overwhelming feelings of shame, feelings of being different/unwanted, and feelings of paranoia regarding self imagery. But I thought tonight that I’d talk to my 2 close friends and see how they’ve been doing.

    It just didn’t feel the same talking to them. I don’t know what it is but things just don’t feel the same as they did when we would hang out/talk all the time (not even the same as when we first met?). I feel this with the few friends I’ve been around recently. I just feel like I’m sort of emotionally disconnected.

    Why do I always feel like this? I hate not being able to have the same connection with people I used to have. I hate not being able to feel a sort of bond between anyone/everyone and myself like I used to. It makes me just want to throw in the towel.
     
    petunia419 likes this.
  2. 1964dodge

    1964dodge when you help people you help yourself SF Supporter

    what you are feeling may be a sign of depression you may want to discuss this with your doctor or therapist it may also be that without the usual human contacts for months you may be nervous please just ease back into seeing friends and don't concentrate on whats wrong just have fun please come back you can always talk here we care
     
    Foreignwoman and Thefunisover like this.
  3. Thefunisover

    Thefunisover Active Member

    Thank you, 1964dodge. I’ve been to the doc and was scheduled to see a counsellor, but ended up flopping on that appointment because I would’ve only ended up getting a few hours sleep before I had to get up and I would’ve felt delirious. Im not sure if this was the smartest idea. I’m also on medication right now for major depressive disorder.

    I want to ease into seeing them again but everything just seems so different. I feel like we are polar opposite to eachother now especially considering how I’ve acted over the last while deleting everything along with the couple times I’ve spoke to them amongst other things.

    Along with everything I’ve been dealing with internally I’ve been trying to change a lot externally and figure out what the next step is in my life and what I need to do (whether it be school, work). But I am just feeling immobile in terms of being able to pull myself up out of these feelings to do things as simple as going to the bank for example. I avoid conversation and socializing with others because I don’t want to be seen as vulnerable or incapable. I don’t like going out in public in case someone may recognize me and bring up my past. I’m just a mess...
     
  4. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    That disconnected feeling is a very common symptom of depression, as are the other bad feelings of shame, fear and anxiety. It can take a while for antidepressants to work, or to get the right dose and med. If you've not started feeling better after about 8 weeks, you may need a change in dose, or even a different med.

    If you can't talk about this to family/friends, keep sharing your thoughts and feelings here because keeping them to yourself allows them to magnify and cuts you off from the understanding and support of our members here.
     
    Thefunisover and 1964dodge like this.
  5. Thefunisover

    Thefunisover Active Member

    To be honest I feel like this is the only place where I can share my feelings and genuinely not be judged or looked at a certain way. I’m appreciative of the few people in day to day life that lend a hand, but I feel that everyone here has a greater understanding of what others’ go through in terms of what it is like to deal with different mental illnesses/depression.

    Thank you, Lara_C!
     
    Lara_C and 1964dodge like this.
  6. GC23~

    GC23~ Member

    Is there anything you enjoy that can lead to you having more interactions besides gaming? I know that once I got involved with a study group at my school ( I know, kinda lame) with some kids I knew I felt a little less disassociated with my surroundings. While it sucks at first, it’s important to put yourself out there in a way that makes you comfortable, don’t force yourself to be fake happy around others but also don’t let anxiety or that empty feeling cripple you socially; there are people that care for you. I’m rooting for you, best of luck :)
     
    MoonRise, Thefunisover and 1964dodge like this.
  7. Thefunisover

    Thefunisover Active Member

    Not really no :/ though I was thinking of going back to school to get myself back into the groove of things. Not only to keep myself busy and to try and make something of myself, but to make friends too.

    Thank you, GC23-!
     
    1964dodge likes this.
  8. MoonRise

    MoonRise Active Member

    Hello @Thefunisover just came to check how you are doing. I hope you feel better. Always feel free to share your thoughts and feelings here with us.

    Good luck!
     
    1964dodge and Thefunisover like this.
  9. GC23~

    GC23~ Member

    You should totally try going back to school! That sounds like a great idea, for some people it’s good to have a rhythm to life. And definitely talking and making friends would be a good try.
    I really hope it all works out in the end, You, like all of us, deserve happiness :)
     
    1964dodge, Thefunisover and MoonRise like this.
  10. Here2Listen

    Here2Listen Well-Known Member

    Relationships are not static but very fluid and they change over time. When you have not connected with a person for some time, things get lost like the feeling of familiarity. This is normal because life takes us to different directions. We lose track and then we hit a blank wall when we are ‘face-to-face’ with a friend. Please don’t be offended, Thefunisover, but is it possible that you are aiming for a high standard that you see in others? If so, maybe you need to allow some imperfection in yourself and in your relationship with others. It is okay to sometimes be seen as vulnerable or incapable, as long as you are honest with who you are. Sometimes that is actually how you meet kind and caring people.

    Have you thought about going to a church and talking to a pastor about your “feelings of shame, feelings of being different/unwanted, and feelings of paranoia regarding self imagery.” There are many churches where you can safely discuss these and some even have professional counselors as volunteers. I know because a couple of churches in my town do so. And you might be able to talk about your past and deal with it so that when you go out you have no fear if someone who recognizes you brings out your past.
     
    1964dodge likes this.
  11. Thefunisover

    Thefunisover Active Member

    It is true that I do have maybe some high expectations of others in terms of how things should be; everything should go like how it did in the past (or at least how it felt like it did). I know that its nothing I can ask of anyone else though, as I realize it all starts with me and how I see things. I just hate showing vulnerability because I feel like I've been used, or made out to be a fool over the years. I sort of hold myself back from everything lately because I do feel so vulnerable in different social situations and I lose train of thought real easy. I just feel so out of touch with everything because I feel I've made my emotions out as something to be restricted.

    I haven't thought really about going to church, I'm not too religious.