I always feel such a disheartening sense of emptiness when in conversation with others (family included), even people I was once very close with. Tonight I hooked up my Xbox for the first time in a couple months. I decided to game for a little and chat with 2 friends I haven’t spoken to in a long while. I’ve been good friends with the one person for about 4 years now, the other about 2 years. We’ve all had such good times! We’d always cry laughing together and always would make the best out of days we’d hang out together, regardless of our plans. I deleted all forms of social media, wiped my phone contacts, and got rid of the phone number I’ve had for 3 1/2 years 2 months ago. I’ve sort of separated myself from a lot of people due to overwhelming feelings of shame, feelings of being different/unwanted, and feelings of paranoia regarding self imagery. But I thought tonight that I’d talk to my 2 close friends and see how they’ve been doing. It just didn’t feel the same talking to them. I don’t know what it is but things just don’t feel the same as they did when we would hang out/talk all the time (not even the same as when we first met?). I feel this with the few friends I’ve been around recently. I just feel like I’m sort of emotionally disconnected. Why do I always feel like this? I hate not being able to have the same connection with people I used to have. I hate not being able to feel a sort of bond between anyone/everyone and myself like I used to. It makes me just want to throw in the towel.