My life has not been very good or happy. Of course other people have been through far worse conditions, but their situations don't minimize the impact mine has been on me. Inside I am this wonderful, intelligent, fun, educated, gregarious and amazing guy with all the best intentions towards others. I love life and have always wanted to enjoy it, but it's killing me pieces at a time. We all have our obstacles in life, some more than others, but I've worked so hard with the idea that things would get better, not easier but better. Just turned 35 and my life is hitting lower lows. For me the problem is other people... family, friends, employers, and significant others... I give my best and in return they damage me. Am not trying to blame others for my life, am my own harshest critic, but their impact on my life has been horrific. The few good people I think are around me look at me like I am a goner, a sad 'acceptable loss' in life. They care but it's like I am the drowning man too far out of reach. I've done the 'fresh start' thing so many times, tried to power through the awful times and events, now am just so empty and tired. If it weren't for my dogs I'd been gone a very long time ago. Now, my thoughts are that I can't leave them, but it's not fair to take them with me. The last year has been the darkest, most difficult time ever. I struggled harder than ever to get through some awful events, was wounded but most times fueled by a 'blind faith' that things would get better. As the worst was hopefully coming to an end, I met someone... someone that really seemed to be terrific. My last serious relationship ended seven years ago, I was reluctant to like this new guy but so many things made me think I'd stumbled into something so good (even though we lived five hours apart). A short time later I was at a crossroads, I either had to re-ground myself where I was living (far away from him) or it was the right time to make a change. We talked A LOT and planned the good (and bad) out pretty well. I quit my job, closed my small business, sold most of my furniture and tossed out a lot more, and moved... thinking this was the best, most logical decision I'd probably ever made. My expectations were realistic, relationships aren't easy, but things seemed to fall into place with him and the new town. By the third week I saw things that alarmed me, a side to him that wasn't very nice. Of course there were more incidents, and progressively worse. After a month I was thinking this might've been a major mistake, but I was out of money and had just found a new job. This passed weekend he went way too far. When he came at me with anger I pushed him away in defense, he called the police and self-inflicted some bruises before they arrived, but shockingly I look like the bad guy. For the record I did not lay a negative finger on him, am a tall athletic guy but not sure I'd even know how to throw a punch if I had to. Now he's acting like a long abused victim, lying to get a restraining order and making me look awful to this small town. Even the people that side with me, I am still humiliated about this. I relocated here with a packed 14' moving truck... literally cannot afford to do anything right now, so I'll be living in my car and lose all my possessions. That is, if he doesn't do more things and somehow get me put into jail. I haven't slept or eaten in three days, crying, am scared to death, and really feeling like my time is up... that I cannot endure more pain from the actions of other people, and I feel like the next things are coming soon and will be even worse... my dogs taken away, put in jail for some things I didn't do, or even set back so far that it'll take another fives years to regain what I've lost. I use to want a little happiness, now just some peace would be amazing. I've thought about 'it' for a very long time, but dismissed the idea time and time again. Now it seems like a very logical, practical option in the best interest of myself... something that I am okay about, the good is in my heart and can take that with me... might be the first safe, true smile I've had in years. Feedback would be nice, I guess, but really I think that I just wanted to tell my story. Maybe someone else can relate, maybe it'll help them, or maybe it'll be good for me to have said this. I get paid on Friday... am thinking of going to my favorite restaurant and spending quality time with my dogs... have to be out of the house by Monday. It's all a little surreal but will be okay, right. Have to go now... I've rambled and my tears are beginng to scare the dogs.