Empty and Tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by KyleKW, Jun 4, 2007.

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  1. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    My life has not been very good or happy. Of course other people have been through far worse conditions, but their situations don't minimize the impact mine has been on me.

    Inside I am this wonderful, intelligent, fun, educated, gregarious and amazing guy with all the best intentions towards others. I love life and have always wanted to enjoy it, but it's killing me pieces at a time. We all have our obstacles in life, some more than others, but I've worked so hard with the idea that things would get better, not easier but better. Just turned 35 and my life is hitting lower lows.

    For me the problem is other people... family, friends, employers, and significant others... I give my best and in return they damage me. Am not trying to blame others for my life, am my own harshest critic, but their impact on my life has been horrific. The few good people I think are around me look at me like I am a goner, a sad 'acceptable loss' in life. They care but it's like I am the drowning man too far out of reach.

    I've done the 'fresh start' thing so many times, tried to power through the awful times and events, now am just so empty and tired. If it weren't for my dogs I'd been gone a very long time ago. Now, my thoughts are that I can't leave them, but it's not fair to take them with me.

    The last year has been the darkest, most difficult time ever. I struggled harder than ever to get through some awful events, was wounded but most times fueled by a 'blind faith' that things would get better. As the worst was hopefully coming to an end, I met someone... someone that really seemed to be terrific. My last serious relationship ended seven years ago, I was reluctant to like this new guy but so many things made me think I'd stumbled into something so good (even though we lived five hours apart). A short time later I was at a crossroads, I either had to re-ground myself where I was living (far away from him) or it was the right time to make a change. We talked A LOT and planned the good (and bad) out pretty well. I quit my job, closed my small business, sold most of my furniture and tossed out a lot more, and moved... thinking this was the best, most logical decision I'd probably ever made. My expectations were realistic, relationships aren't easy, but things seemed to fall into place with him and the new town.

    By the third week I saw things that alarmed me, a side to him that wasn't very nice. Of course there were more incidents, and progressively worse. After a month I was thinking this might've been a major mistake, but I was out of money and had just found a new job. This passed weekend he went way too far. When he came at me with anger I pushed him away in defense, he called the police and self-inflicted some bruises before they arrived, but shockingly I look like the bad guy. For the record I did not lay a negative finger on him, am a tall athletic guy but not sure I'd even know how to throw a punch if I had to. Now he's acting like a long abused victim, lying to get a restraining order and making me look awful to this small town. Even the people that side with me, I am still humiliated about this. I relocated here with a packed 14' moving truck... literally cannot afford to do anything right now, so I'll be living in my car and lose all my possessions. That is, if he doesn't do more things and somehow get me put into jail.

    I haven't slept or eaten in three days, crying, am scared to death, and really feeling like my time is up... that I cannot endure more pain from the actions of other people, and I feel like the next things are coming soon and will be even worse... my dogs taken away, put in jail for some things I didn't do, or even set back so far that it'll take another fives years to regain what I've lost. I use to want a little happiness, now just some peace would be amazing. I've thought about 'it' for a very long time, but dismissed the idea time and time again. Now it seems like a very logical, practical option in the best interest of myself... something that I am okay about, the good is in my heart and can take that with me... might be the first safe, true smile I've had in years.

    Feedback would be nice, I guess, but really I think that I just wanted to tell my story. Maybe someone else can relate, maybe it'll help them, or maybe it'll be good for me to have said this. I get paid on Friday... am thinking of going to my favorite restaurant and spending quality time with my dogs... have to be out of the house by Monday. It's all a little surreal but will be okay, right. Have to go now... I've rambled and my tears are beginng to scare the dogs.
  2. bipolarbiped

    bipolarbiped Active Member

    I wish I had a profound message for you. The only thing I can say is I really do know how you feel and I can certain relate to your point of view, esecially the dogs. Hold on to them.
  3. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    Thanks 'bipolarbiped'
    I'll be holding my dogs... That part I have mixed feelings about.

    Have realized that I've passed the point of thinking about all this, now am surprisingly and calmy in good-bye mode. Haven't spoken to my family in a very long time (because they dislike me so much) but I called them tonight and had a nice conversation; was almost funny, could tell they didn't understand why. Will call my closer friends tomorrow, just to chat nothing serious. Am considering sending an email shortly before, late at night, to maybe let people know in my own words.

    There is time between road to water (probalby a lot less than I realize) that is scary but otherwise I am okay, even relieved now that I have a plan. I sorta think a few people will have expected this, sad but not surprised, others probably angry for the usual reasons. Is a note appropriate, respectful even, or just cliche... I have no idea.

    Part of me really thinks most people will wonder... who I was, why didn't they know or make the effort to, maybe I needed someone to really care... the other part of me thinks it's their loss, that I am off to a better place or at least some peace. Frankly I don't even care.

    Saw my (now) ex tonight... he smirked then smiled at the insane chaos and pain he's caused me. Even though he accepts no responsibility for causing the final blow, I think this will hurt him. Honestly I take some satisfaction in that, but moreso I don't care.

    I'll post on this site until this weekend, after that... It'll make headlines in a small town like this, which I don't like, but soon after it'll just be a news memory. Six days, seems like a lot, I'll try to enjoy like it's the passing of my favorite season.
  4. -Deception-

    -Deception- Well-Known Member

    I understand perfectly well the feeling of being in that "goodbye"-state. Frankly, I'm in that state now as well. I've got a month, tops, left on this earth, and it was a long time since I felt this good.

    Sorry life has treated you the way it has. It sure works in mysterious ways. I have no words of comfort nor any answers though - if I had them I probably wouldn't spend so much time browsing suicide sites.

    Take care.
  5. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    After no sleep in three days I finally passed out last night... was asleep from 1am to just after 2am... woke up feeling like the bad had been a dream, wasn't scared at all. Reality hit a few seconds later. At 3am I wrote the following "poem"

    Fall asleep full of pain
    Another day just the same
    Awaken tomorrow free from sorrow
    Excited and thrilled, the crying is over
    But as the sun rises, realize
    It was just a dream
    The pain remains

    Okay, so I am not a poet. I really wish we could just flip a switch, be gone, if in our hearts we truly wanted to. Why does it have to be so planned, expensive even, or (am sorry to say) messy... when we just want to be gone. Dignity should be an option here, it's a very intimate moment in a someones life.
  6. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    sorry but i LIKE the poem and it is beautifully written.

    i don't know if people realize how intimate a moment it really is when you finally get the plan in motion. i was actually outside of my body when i last swallowed huge amounts of pills two years ago. it was a very intimate moment and one that is hard to describe. but your last paragraph is something that really stood out and i don't know how many actually knew this before you put it into words.

    thanks for the poem and the realizations....
  7. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    I really wish I could help you somehow... but I wouldn't know where to begin.

    ((I did like your poem very much)).
  8. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I pretty much wrote that 'poem' without even thinking about it early this morning. Four days cannot sleep or eat, no matter what I try.

    If lucky maybe I'll be able to haunt the people that have hurt me. Poor attempt at humor, sorry.

    It's okay, it'll be okay... I need this to be okay.
  9. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    I've now reached out to family, friends, coworkers, the local community center, and an "advocate" for domestic situations about the emotional state I am in; even the local police in a round-about way. They were all kind and understanding, offered their 'good luck' or 'hang in there' comments and referrals to other resources, but now... I sorta feeling like I am just being passed around am at the mercy of a myriad of 'catch 22' situations.

    Was I directly open about my late Sunday night plans... hell no. My new accomodations would quickly be a padded cell with a strong diet of anti-reality pills. No thanks. But should I have to be so blunt to others to get them to notice I am in trouble, or am I really not worth saving! They're well-aware of my situations, how scared and confused and alone I am... to me it'd seem like a banner waiving in front of them... HEY, THIS GUY NEEDS SOMEONE NEXT TO HIM RIGHT NOW... Or is that also just a dream.

    Living in the tropics isn't the place for someone on such 'thin ice' with life. How many times that I've convinced myself things will get AND stay better, and the work and years just to keep fooling myself, it's nobodys fault but my own.

    My only real fears are that it won't work... water isn't deep enough, car safety system and/or be rescued too soon, possibly leaving me worse off than I am now. Again, I so wish there was that switch we could just flip off.

    Not sure if anyone is really reading all this, if it helps or bores them, but it does seem to help me understand my thoughts better... Sitting alone at a computer, sending words out into the internet 'black hole' sure doesn't say much for social interactions in 2007. Although there seem to be some warm, caring people in this forum, and others that need them, have no doubt good as come from SF.
  10. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    Am glad that I sumbled on the SF site, thankful that I've been able to share my situation and maybe lend some support.

    My mind has been racing fast, exhausted and overwhelmed, but last night I slept... woke up this morning feeling better, also allowed me to look at things with much more clarity. I've made some decisions, feel like I need to be a man and follow through on them, push through absent of emotion and ideas to the contrary. Life is not passing me by today, it has been for my whole 35 years. I was looking for a sign... something to point me in a direction, and I just got it.

    With a big smile on my face right now... I've got a fun evening planned... Am gonna watch the sunset at Mallory Square, eat my favorite foods at this terrific cafe, listen to some great steel drum or reggae music at the local spots, laugh and live like I don't have a care in the world (maybe even find some nice people to hang out with), will come back tonight and watch my favorite movie (Finding Nemo) with my dogs, take them on a walk to the pier, and then we'll go for a drive. I am good with this, really, right now I am feeling more and more like a guy on vacation, not just gonna act on a scary sad impulse.

    Not sure if I should post here later this evening or not. Would it be appropriate or sad if I did... Guess I'll decide later. Clock is ticking at about 12 hours now. Part of me really believes that there is something terrific, that kiss on my forehead from my grandmother that I haven't had in 30 years, is gonna happen for me soon. :)
  11. Anna

    Anna Active Member

    You can't do this. Please don't go. You have got to think this over. It's not your time and this is not the way. :please:don't do this. People here care for you, doesn't that mean anything?:sad:

    Your friend,
  12. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    Your e-friendship and the SF have meant a lot to me, honestly. I feel really good now, I am drinking a Corona with lime while eating mango sherbert (ice cream). Everything, I mean everything, seems so bright and clear and good... almost like a terrific dream... I see things like I never have before, it's so cool. I am upbeat, happy, and anxious to have a wonderful evening out in this little island town. No regrets, no sadness, no anxiety, the actions of nobody are hurting me... I really feel GREAT. I never realized palm trees had so many different colors, all the green and orange/browns... beautiful. I see the breeze from the air conditioning moving the hair on my sleeping dogs... (little tear about that) it's so tranquil, peaceful, very real. (deep breath) This is so good, the way it should and needs to be. I am sorta "tripping" on how vivid and real everything is... I cannot wait to enjoy this evening out... have seen the sunrise, gorgeous, another one isn't necessary. :)
  13. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    This has me crying. All I can say is I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. I'm sorry about your dogs; I had to give away my beloved Dachshund a few months ago.

    Please don't hurt yourself.
  14. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    Because of some feedback I've received, I am not going to post any last comments later tonight. This is not the time when I need to stand in defense of myself... not a joke, not selfish, not anything else negative at all. I came to the SF site less than a week ago with a plan, am appreciative of the support I've received and situations I've read of, hopefully even lended some beneficial support myself, but I came to the conclusions that I needed to... and it's okay. I respect that some of you are still fighting, thousands of posts in some cases, but that's not me. It's great the SF is here, full of wonderful people that care, and I wish you all the absolute best.

    Am signing off. Kyle
  15. Freddy

    Freddy Guest

    If I had the money to fix your problem I would. I know I have never met you in person but I would do it regardless at a drop of a hat.
    I'm hurting and in alot of fear and distress of my own situation right now. I sincerely wish you the best Kyle. I love you.
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2007
  16. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    Did not plan on logging on here again, but my evening got changed I have decided to postpone for one or (MAYBE) two nights.

    Nessarose - Thanks, but I honestly think it'd be helping not "hurting" myself, and my dogs would be better with than without me.

    Freddy - That was sweet of you... Wish money could fix (some of) my problems right now, but honestly it wouldn't. Well, hmmm, would love to buy this house and kick my ex out (lol). Failed attempt at humor.
  17. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    please don't give up. please? i know we are all just online here it's not the 'real world' but we are real people behind these posts who have taken an interest and made an investment in hoping for your safety.

    you and i have shared a bit, but what u haven't heard me share is i really feel like this is all at the point that maybe you should consider going into the hospital. and insist on what is really going on with you inside. i heard you when you mentioned the anti-reality meds, but as one who has been there too many times it really isn't like that. i know it sounds scary to go. i've been scared to death every time i've gone, but something happened with me the last time i went. i learned something new. new ways to manage how i'm feeling. i haven't perfected it yet by any means i still have my days but they're becoming shorter. the hard days aren't lasting as long.

    i know you are dealing with becoming homeless but i feel the larger priority atm is your safety. i really don't want to see anything happen to you, but then again that's not the first time you've heard that from me. you are a very valuable individual who has so much to offer the world. don't deprive the world of this. it's just not right.

    i have heard you and how alot of people have shit on you, but maybe it is just time to take care of you. and i don't mean by means of your demise so don't even go there. reality is just some people are assholes.

    i have a question for you and u don't have to answer if u don't want to. you mentioned that when you met this man everything seemed to be great. you both reasoned through all the good and bads of things, but my question is this....what did your heart tell you? not your reasoning but your heart. i mean i've been in a somewhat similar type of thing and initially it was like red flags went up, but i began to reason my way through it until i ended up doing the very thing i wasn't so sure i should do. part of the reasoning was actually the fear if i didn't go through with it. how would i manage? a security thing. it ended in divorce. was there maybe something in the beginning that sounded to you that maybe you ignored? i am not asking this as a means of being critical please don't think that. i just think sometimes our hearts give us our answers, and us in our stubborness argue it or should i say challenge it because we want something to work out so bad or fear if we didn't. cause we want what we want. we're human.

    ok i've said enough now i won't bore u anymore, but please never ever forget we want you to hang in there. we don't want to see you go. you're far to valuable for that. please stay safe and please keep in touch and continue to share.
  18. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    Am just so tired of crying, failing for no reason especially after putting in twice the necessary effort and skill, and being hurt worse and worse each time. I woke up and realized that I had worked, struggled, worked more, and pretty much failed myself through nearly two decades of being an adult. It happened all so fast that when I look in the mirror I expect to see the myself of 17 years ago.

    Wasn't it last week that I was told that I'd make a great writer, the creativity of my writing style could lead to a best seller (age 20), it'd be a "shame" to let this "gift" go to waste... Or, my amateur architectural skills were praised (age 18), after drawing unique plans since a child this was an industry I "must go into" others said... Wasn't it last month that I graduated high school with the second highest GPA, the only graduate that had taken a full semester of college while still in high school... Wasn't it just months ago that I bought my first car (age 17), had my first kiss (age 15), stopped feeling like a child (age 13), lost my first pet (age 11), saw my first decade change (age 7), or felt a real kiss full of love on the forehead by my grandmother (age 5)... notice please that between 21 and 35 is a blurr, a space of time where I worked and stuggled and aged and unfortunitely lost whoever I was meant to be. I met important people and did big things in that time, a shallow period that sorta didn't exist, now am left with THIS... nothing really. For all intents and purposes I am a guy now in mid-30s, lost my shallow good looks and hope, have no financial security AT ALL, just two (GREAT) dogs and a memory that is a blurr of work and what didn't happen... family, home, children, experiences, vacations, happiness...

    I didn't live... not really, at all. I look back the last year, full of work and obstacles. Look back further, more work and struggles. Look back more, work work and overcome problems. I keep looking back for a time that I felt happy, secure, or even just as ME... it goes back a very long way, not honestly sure it ever stops going back. It's not that I didn't choose to live, it's really more like I was trying so hard to live... was never given the chance despite how much I worked, asked, and begged for it.

    People always, men and women, comment on my wicked bright blue eyes... all the time, almost daily... if they only knew what's behind the eyes.

    Am just rambling now. Checked the scale today and I've (honestly) lost 15 pounds in a week, didn't even think that was possible. My body is shutting down and I really do want to have some peace. I have fond memories of times in the past, which do seem so recent, things I'll hold close to my heart regardless of the outcome.

    I have big tears in my eyes now... Not because I want to stay, but because I want to go so badly and don't really know how. I deserve better than my "plan" but am not sure anyone really get to leave this world with the dignity and peace they deserved... or maybe I don't deserve it.

    I've lost so many days this time... my world stopped at 1am last Saturday night... how could everyone EVERYONE leave me alone since then, it's not possible... I was hurt, scared, then left alone to my own devices... being a statistic doesn't interest me, being a casualty either... I just want to be real, ME, someone that is given a chance in life. I wasn't a mistake, that I know, or was I and it's all been a joke.
  19. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I've had my share of "frenimies", so I know what that's like. You're sick and tired of being alone, so you reach out to someone, and that person hurts you. Then you're happy to be alone - for the moment. Oh, it's a vicious cycle.

    I'm glad you got dogs. I wish I could afford one.
  20. Freddy

    Freddy Guest

    I have no financial security of my own either. And I am just two years older than you Kyle. I havnt lived life. I have lost people in my life and the animals that I have really cared for; animals who loved me unconditionally regardless. I admit I didnt have a happy life. Most of my life has been quite sheltered. My social anxiety has kept me a prisoner of the outside world. I have never kiss another human being on the lips befor, never really dated, never really party much, never anything. I always ask myself "why do I even bother getting up in the morning?". I too had alot of hope and dreams when I was growing up. My teachers gave me love and hope and had great visions of me. I had plenty of opportunities to go to university. Sadly I'm a disapointment to them and myself. I made too many bad choices in life and it has lead me down this hellish road I'm walking on. I dont see myself with much of a future either. I have nothing but my horrible nightmares, anxieties & fears and alot of pain and emotional baggage. I'm left feeling abandon and feeling helpless and so isolated. I honestly wish I was dead. I dont have much to live for.
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2007
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