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Empty and want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lelantgirl, May 30, 2012.

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  1. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    I just want to slip away quietly and be with my beautiful. beloved mother who passed 20 days ago.
    She was all I had in life and kept me going over years of hard things and without her love, encouragement and support I'd be long gone as had several breakdowns and suicide attempts.
    I have many health problems and live a limited lifestyle and alot of physical pain and feeling ill 24/7 because of my various health problems, I am a survivor of child abuse, adult rape and relationship abuse, been hurt neumerous times in relationships, life's been one thing after another and mum is the only person who ever truly understood how I thought and reacted, I have noone now.

    Family is thin on the ground, they either dont bother with me, or have no time for me or its quite superficial.
    I have dad and he's been great since mum passed but he wants to get on with things, and doesn't understand me atall i dont think.
    He has his health for one and seems to be able to switch off it seems, although I suspect he's keeping busy and then will suffer for it mentally.
    I have tried keeping busy but it represses my emotions/feelings and ends up making me iller physically as limited in what can do a day.

    I keep thinking mum has just gone away for abit and will be back soon, went to phone her earlier and remembered she's noth there to call.
    I have attempted and planned suicide in past and have cut on and off too, right now I want to cut my arms and ankles and het some sort of relief from seeing the blood trickle, but mum didn't like me doing it and upset her, so am trying to refrain from it but I feel pent up.
    I keep thinking maybe God will allow me to slip away in my sleep then it wont be suicide as people tell me its wicked and sinful, but surely if God exists he'd see why folks get so low they have to slip away, confuses me greatly.

    I am on lots of medicatiom for my health problems so would be easy to do it that way and less distressing and painful for me and those who have to find me.
    Just have alot extra and slip away...............I want to be with mum but people say if I kill myself I'll never be with her again- AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I just am not knowing what to do anymore and feel in some way I am responsible for her death although I did all i could to help her and nurse her despite my own health and she died from cancer, BUT myself hates ME for murdering her somehow...................SORRY feel such a mess................
    Maybe I shouldn't have posted but dont know where to turn. PLEASE HELP................
  2. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    Please someone help me????????????????????????????
  3. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    Don't blame yourself for the loss of your mother. It wasn't your fault. It just happened. Unfortunately that's the way life goes. But it certainly isn't your fault. She would want you to get through this, to live your life. It's too early for her to see you again, but one day you will. Not yet.
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Different people deal with things in different ways. I lost my son, which never should happen -- parents are meant to leave before their children, so this hurts. My wife sometimes does not appear as affected as I am, but I am sure she is. She just shows it in different ways than I. Sometimes I too feel all hope is gone and what's the point without my child..? Fortunately, I realize that life must go on as painful as something such as this can be. They say it gets less painful with time, and in some ways it really does... but in other ways it does not. I have nightmares every single night. It gets easier only by what we do to honor and remember our departed. You need to find the courage to go on, because you know in your heart that going on is what your mother would want for you.
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