empty shell

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by vbuk, May 1, 2007.

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  1. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    for the past week all ive wanted is to die. but at the same time i dont. i dont wana die but i want out of this pathetic life i lead. im worthless to this world - cant see why im here.

    im a mess. i look and feel a mess. my room is a mess. my car is a mess. my world is a mess. im constantly tired. dont wana get up. dont want people to see me.

    i cant even kill myself! it always goes wrong. the other night b4 i got the chance to take enough i threw up. i tried so hard but i cudnt stop myself.

    i keep fooling myself that im a decent person but i know im not. i need to admit what i am to myself and put up with it.

    i just keep crying all the time. im so weak. i hate it. i have to be this better person but right now im not. im evil.

    its gona be time soon. i feel so so alone. i just want rid of me. im falling. im scared. really scared.

    Im sorry

    Clare x
  2. even if alot of you wants to die, there is still a tiny bit that doesnt want to, try and hold on and fight with that bit.

    depending onwhen that was you might need to get checked out.. im very glad u didnt get hurt or worse though sweetie.

    you arent fooling yourself if you think you are a decent person- you are! keep telling yourself that, over and over again.

    its not weak to cry, not atall. in fact it is vital to let out emotions and it is a strong thing to do.

    i no your scared and feel alone, but you arent alone in the sence that people on here are there for you and to help and support you. just talk to us and dont do anything sweetie. hand on in there xx :hug:
  3. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    one min im fine the next i wana do it. its horrible.
  4. Sil

    Sil Well-Known Member

    I know somehow how you feel. It also happens to me... sometimes I tell myself everything's gonna fix, everything's gonna be ok, and the next moment I'm in despair... can't say what makes these changes... is it the same for you too?
  5. Financier

    Financier Member

    I can also relate to your situation, or what I know about it. But would you elaborate on what exactly is the cause for your feelings- do you know? I know that sometimes the emotion can cloud your ability to self-diagnose your problem, but any information would surely be helpful.

    I encourage you to not believe what you're saying. I also know this is difficult; but bear with me and think about it for a minute-

    Calling out to others for help is surely not a sign of weakness, if anything it's just a sign that a burden is too difficult for the individual to carry; in some cases a desire for your pain to be acknoweldged.

    Again, being 'decent' isn't defined by our condition. Your decency is obvious in you reaching out for help. No indecent person has ever reached out for help from others kindly, or has ever been polite when asking help from complete strangers.

    I'm going to be painstakingly honest, I don't know you- and I'll probably never know you, but (there's always a 'but') I assure you that my heart goes out to everyone in the world that shares my condition, this same feeling of worthlessness or invisibility. I know how it feels, and every morning I wake up with the feeling; and my thoughts are always on the people who share my condition- and as hard as I sometimes find it to believe, some people who have it worse than I. I know how it feels to not want to die, but to want to stop living- this feeling is my everyday. But still I persist. Why? I don't even know myself, but I think it's somewhat innate.

    Anyway, I beg of you; that you at least attempt to help me relate to you further. In the meantime, stay strong and stay safe. I'm going to subscribe to this thread, so I'll be notified of replies. I encourage you to PM me if you ever need someone to talk to. Someone unbiased and that genuinely cares about your safety, without even knowing you.

    Best wishes,
  6. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    yeah it is. one tiny little thought, feeling, word, sound can trigger me off. even a picture of a happy time can do it. i have pictures all over my wall in my room. i just sit and stare at them. pics of friends, family, 2 ex's. got pics of my grandparents. i just stare at my grandad and just wana cry. at the same time i dont wana forget the past or remove it from my life.
  7. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    Financier - im not sure why im feeling this way. alot of things have happened over the past 6 months and i didnt deal with them. i just blocked them out. a few people i know died this year - it got to a stage where it was one every two weeks. but i didnt cry much - the worst was my grandad - i didnt even cry at the funeral. my family were all crying and i must have looked so stone faced. the day of the funeral a close family friend died. id never bin to a funeral before and i had 2 in the space of 2 weeks. i have being thinking alot lately about it all.

    im trying so so hard to deal with it all - i do talk to people about it but i dont know exactly what it is im saying cos i dont know what im feeling. i just get in such a state i dont know what to do. i dont want to die but i dont want to live. it would be so much easier if i could make a decision - either way.

    Thank you for caring so much - i care alot about those i dont know too - i try so hard to help people but right now im strugging to help myself so im not a great person to turn to.

    Thank you

    Clare x
  8. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :hug: here if u need to talk
  9. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    it just gets better - a friend of mine who i care about alot took an overdose and is in hospital. we were due to meet up and i had a go at him this morning. im such a bitch.

    then when it comes to ringing i got scared ringing his mobile - i did in the end and it was turned off. i should have rang the hospital but i just cudnt do it. was too much of a wimp. we found out he was stable. he has bin there for me so so much and yet ive not bin there for him. i just keep thinking what if. what if id of been in touch more this week. what if i wasnt such a coward. i kinda thought i was getting better but im the lowest of the lows again. im such a god dam wimp.

    love you matt

    Clare x
  10. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    this is horrible - im laid in bed - falling apart. keep crying. i hope he is ok. its just one thing after another after another. found out my gran is having chest pains. fuck! i cant fucking lose her. im sat all alone now. no lights. no sound. my teddy is here - bingo. he has seen alot of tears. i wana go to church. maybe i can find life there. help. i am so so so scared. feel so ill.
  11. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

  12. Financier

    Financier Member

    Clare, I take it you're a religious person? Is there anyone at your church you could talk to, without fear of confidentiality being breached?

    Have you seen a doctor about your depression as-of-late? I can tell you still have the will to live, which you should take as a sign of hope. It's very difficult to explain your feelings to someone that doesn't share your condition. Friends and sometimes family can be overly critical, ignorant, and confused about your wishes. I am lucky enough to have a very close friend that shares our condition, I recommend you do the same.

    I realize that's probably not that easy- it's not like you can put up an advertisement in the paper... I'd start with seeing a doctor. I know for a fact I wouldn't have been able to survive as long as I have if it wasn't for my doctor.

    In the short term, I suggest you find someone you love- someone you care about, or that cares about you- and these people are not hard to find if you look around you. As much as you may keep feelings bottled up inside (as I'm almost sure you do), imagine that the people around you probably do as well. They could be thinking and feeling the same things you are. I think you should talk to the people you love about how you feel, and you'd be surprised at how similar you are.

  13. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    im not really religious, i ment to midnight mass with my sister and i loved being in the church but didnt like that messages they gave out. i liked it cos i got to spend some quality time alone with my sister. i miss her alot right now and cant wait to see her again. dont think it will be until autum tho. i went to see the docs last week - getting refered to a counciler. something ive always being against and hate the idea of but everyone else thinks its best for me. not that n e one knows me n e more.

    being thinking of turning to my sister - she lives miles away but i can talk to her. i used to live with her for 2 years. after that i told her that i was depressed and was when i was there - even told her id bin suicidal but i told her i wudnt do n e thing. her reply was 'of course u wont - ur a northen lass!' made me smile.

    i love so many people and want to be there for them all. im trying so hard to be but in my pressent state im finding it hard.

    today i havent really being too bad - was struggling this morning - kicked a few walls at work - but i got better. i need to be strong for other people.

    Give everyone a big cuddle

    Love Clare x
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