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I'm an empty, used-up husk. The worst part is that I once had a chance, but my depression is such that it's like slogging through molasses. Like grit in my gears. I avoid as much communication with other people as I possibly can, even if that puts my job in jeopardy. I can't bring myself to respond to private messages in this forum. I can't even look at what I'm thyping right now. Weird, huh? I also can't look at my fingers. It's like I lwasy ahve to look away during the kissing scenes in movies. It's just too much.

But now ever. little. thing. is too much.

I go out of my way to trigger myself. I have a standing google news search for suicide stories. Since western newspapers rarely print stoies about suicides, you get the impression that every single persopn who kills himself is named Pedro or Swarma or something.

Crap crap crap. I really just wish my job would end, and i could take the logical next step. It's embarrassing that I've lasted this long.

Dunno why I'm posting this. I'm juast geting scared.

I have no idea how I'd reply to this thread. I'm curious to see what any of you could say to it. But I'm really not sure I could bring myself to read anything. Sorry for being incoherent.



Well-Known Member
I really don't fully understand what you are going through, but of course I wish you the best. I'm sure you already know that intentionally trying to trigger yourself can only lead to further depression or worse. Maybe you just want to finally go through with it and you feel like you need those triggers to give you the "courage" to do it. Since you seem to despise your job so much and you are so deeply depressed, then maybe now would be a good time for a life change. Instead of triggering yourself to do something so negative, why don't you transfer that time and energy into fulfilling some sort of dream or goal? After all, nothing you could do either professionally or personally will have as much of a negative impact on your family as your suicide, and it doesn't sound like anything you could do would make you much less happy than you are now. What have you really got to lose?
You are in my prayers.
I hope you feel better :)
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