Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Brian777, Mar 10, 2016.

  1. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist SF Supporter

    I wish I were "normal" I'm very tired of depression, anxiety and panic disorder which I've dealt with most of my life. Feeling afraid all the time is no way to live, I've isolated myself from everyone because I don't want to bring them down. Even if I shared how I felt, most wouldn't understand. I'm tired of wearing a mask and replying I'm doing fine when anyone asks. Everyday I wake up and it's still the same dark place. I've been on antidepressants, anti-anxiety and pain medication for years. I have chronic back and neck pain from work injuries, which are getting worse as I age and I'm afraid it'll eventually leave me crippled. Not being able to care for myself scares me, I have no family members left in this country and I feel so very alone. I was married twice, my first wife passed away from cancer when she was quite young, my second wife had an affair while I was working nightshift and left me. I've tried all my life to help others, but I can't seem to help myself. I was raised that you keep your problems to yourself and it's hard for me to write this as my weakness embarrasses me.
    I'll be 64 this month and feel like my life has been a total failure. My 87 year old Mom passed away last year and after that I kind of lost my purpose, she lived on her own until the end, but I took her everywhere she wanted to go and looked out for her.
    Anyway, maybe it's time that I was honest and told others how I feel, not sure if it will help, but anything is worth a try. This site is the only place I feel comfortable enough to do that, the people here seem very understanding and non-judgemental. I just joined a few days ago.
    I see posts on here with people facing much more serious problems than I am and hate being a complainer. I just hurt, physically, mentally and spiritually. I don't have the courage to suicide, but I've had thoughts, I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up. Also I couldn't leave my dog I need to look after her, she's been my best friend and has given me so much comfort and love.
    I am waiting on a psychiatrist referral to see if my meds can be adjusted or some other therapy. Basically I just feel empty and alone, putting in time till I check out. Thanks for reading this and I apologize if I sound like I'm whining, but I guess this is what this site is about.
    I hope who are suffering find comfort and healing.