Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by moxman, Aug 3, 2016.

  1. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    I feel empty inside tonight for some reason. I have gone two days without thinking about suicide ; it is all I have thought about tonight. How insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things. How I will never achieve my goals or dreams. My dreams are so far out of reach they might as well as not even exist. How I am tired of always being physically sick. How I am tired of always being depressed and feeling unwanted or unloved or unneeded. I am tired of constantly fighting with my ex-wife about the children when she clearly has the upper hand in everything. I am tired of having flashbacks. I am tired of hearing stuff that is not there. I am tired of being let down by everyone. I am tired of being outcast from my circle of friends simply because I belong to a different political party. I am tired of living in a perpetual groundhog everyday. My life never gets incrementally better. I am tired of being let down by the VA time and time again. I am tired of not seeing my counselor and not getting the help I need. I am tired of talking to the Vet Crisis line and hearing their empty promises that "it will get better" or some bullshit like that. I am tired of crying at night because I don't know what to do with all of these emotions. I am tired of living. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being the only adult in two households and having to decide every fucking thing. I am tired of not being able to count on other people. I am tired of everytime I look at my son I have no idea how he's going to survive after highschool. I am tired of seeing all of these happy people and not have the slightest idea of what being "happy" feels like or what being in love feels like. I am tired of feeling inadequate in everything I do. I am tired of hearing my mom tell me how stupid I am it echos in head. I am tired of being the linchpin for so much but no one ever seems to think about me or how I am doing. I am tired of seeing how successful all of my friends have become, but me. I just feel like I have nothing to offer society; if anything I am just leach that takes disability checks. I tired of being mad at the Navy for not providing better medical care for me ; when my illness first reared it's ugly head.

    I just think how easy it would all be. I have all the materials I would need and a place picked out. It seems like the only way to stop the pain. To stop the inner turmoil. To stop the flashbacks of them laughing at me. To stop hearing things that aren't there. To stop stuttering like a damn fool. To stop feeling dead inside. To stop feeling unwanted or undesired by women. I just want all of this to stop.
  2. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Sometimes, pretty freakin often actually, we are that busy giving so much of ourselves to others, we completely forget about our own needs. OK, so yeah, it might "get better" the real point is, when? We are not built to carry huge chunks of shit around with us daily, sooner or later, the load gets too much and our backs break. It might "get better" but that could be 10 years down the line somewhere. How are we supposed to keep going until that time? Does anyone stop to consider that?

    Depression is the most debilitating thing I have comes across in my 51 years. It saps the life out of you and before you know, you are where you are right now. You dont see it coming, its a sneaky bastard and just when you start to believe things might be starting to "get better" up pops little ol' depression and kicks you again, just to ensure you dont get up.

    I want to be positive here, but today, its not in me. I can only tell you, others, including myself, feel your pain as we experience our own. You are not alone and I think you are very aware of that. SF can maybe help you carry that burden for a little longer yet and as we dont know whats around the corner; shall we dare to hope that maybe, just maybe, there is a glimmer of hope in that?
  3. I agree with what SinisterKid said, that we do not know if maybe just around the corner is the amazing turn that we are waiting for. Everything could be better tomorrow, and even the faintest hope of that should be enough to hold to. Tomorrow could bring about amazing new changes in life that turn everything around for the better.

    Remember also that your value isn't defined by how others treat you. You would feel better if everyone treated you better, as we all would naturally feel better in those circumstances. But you'd still be the same you you are now, just others' actions would be different. What I'm trying to say is, don't let other people get you down. What they think and how they act doesn't affect who you are. You are you no matter what, and you seem to be a good person who is going through a bad time. Focus on positives and avoid the negatives, and maybe that will go a long way towards making you feel better. I hope everything improves for you
  4. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    lol, people like me don't get the girl, people like me don't get the happy ending, people like me don't get a damn thing but more shit thrown at them every day