I feel empty inside tonight for some reason. I have gone two days without thinking about suicide ; it is all I have thought about tonight. How insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things. How I will never achieve my goals or dreams. My dreams are so far out of reach they might as well as not even exist. How I am tired of always being physically sick. How I am tired of always being depressed and feeling unwanted or unloved or unneeded. I am tired of constantly fighting with my ex-wife about the children when she clearly has the upper hand in everything. I am tired of having flashbacks. I am tired of hearing stuff that is not there. I am tired of being let down by everyone. I am tired of being outcast from my circle of friends simply because I belong to a different political party. I am tired of living in a perpetual groundhog everyday. My life never gets incrementally better. I am tired of being let down by the VA time and time again. I am tired of not seeing my counselor and not getting the help I need. I am tired of talking to the Vet Crisis line and hearing their empty promises that "it will get better" or some bullshit like that. I am tired of crying at night because I don't know what to do with all of these emotions. I am tired of living. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being the only adult in two households and having to decide every fucking thing. I am tired of not being able to count on other people. I am tired of everytime I look at my son I have no idea how he's going to survive after highschool. I am tired of seeing all of these happy people and not have the slightest idea of what being "happy" feels like or what being in love feels like. I am tired of feeling inadequate in everything I do. I am tired of hearing my mom tell me how stupid I am it echos in head. I am tired of being the linchpin for so much but no one ever seems to think about me or how I am doing. I am tired of seeing how successful all of my friends have become, but me. I just feel like I have nothing to offer society; if anything I am just leach that takes disability checks. I tired of being mad at the Navy for not providing better medical care for me ; when my illness first reared it's ugly head. I just think how easy it would all be. I have all the materials I would need and a place picked out. It seems like the only way to stop the pain. To stop the inner turmoil. To stop the flashbacks of them laughing at me. To stop hearing things that aren't there. To stop stuttering like a damn fool. To stop feeling dead inside. To stop feeling unwanted or undesired by women. I just want all of this to stop.