I feel like I'm running on empty. Like there's nothing else but pain for me. I have regrets that made my life this way but those are almost as painful as what's happening to me. My wife just left me. She had a crack problem and its almost like a death. I think she has someone else now... probably someone that supports her habit. This morning someone was doing the deed in a dark van in front of our house. I think it was her. When I pulled up the guy quickly took off and I could see someone in the back of the van.... he had to pull up his pants first. I don't know how we got here. She's the perfect little blond girl. She was my life. My grandmother is also dying of Alzheimers. She doesn't even know me now. My grandmother was the best person in the world and the ONLY one I could always count on. Now she looks at me with blank eyes like I'm a stranger. I lived with her for several years in my teens as my parents were getting divorced. All my mother cares about is harping on me that I need to keep my job and be on time and blah blah blah... she doesn't care how I'm feeling even though I tried to tell her a job doesn't matter if I don't want to be here. I gave up all my friends for my wife and kids and job a long time ago. I am alone. I've tried therapy and been through many therapists. I've been through meds.... I'm tired. I'm just tired. I'm 30 years old and ready to go. I pray for God to take me at night so I won't have to do it myself. I even took a bunch of pills one time and just got drunker than ever, but I didn't call anyone to come help me... I just woke up and figured I couldn't even get that right. I'm standing outside the world now, just looking in. I miss my life. I feel like I'm already dead.... and no one notices. I'm tired. Just tired. I just want to drink myself calm and for the silence to come. I miss her and miss my ex wife who makes up one of my biggest regrets. I shouldve never left her. But now I'm past that. I just want to shake the etch a sketch and start over or stay blank. Anything or nothing is better than this.... I can't tread water any more. I'm tired.