Empty

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by iloco, Mar 17, 2007.

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  1. iloco

    iloco New Member

    I feel like I'm running on empty. Like there's nothing else but pain for me. I have regrets that made my life this way but those are almost as painful as what's happening to me. My wife just left me. She had a crack problem and its almost like a death. I think she has someone else now... probably someone that supports her habit. This morning someone was doing the deed in a dark van in front of our house. I think it was her. When I pulled up the guy quickly took off and I could see someone in the back of the van.... he had to pull up his pants first. I don't know how we got here. She's the perfect little blond girl. She was my life. My grandmother is also dying of Alzheimers. She doesn't even know me now. My grandmother was the best person in the world and the ONLY one I could always count on. Now she looks at me with blank eyes like I'm a stranger. I lived with her for several years in my teens as my parents were getting divorced. All my mother cares about is harping on me that I need to keep my job and be on time and blah blah blah... she doesn't care how I'm feeling even though I tried to tell her a job doesn't matter if I don't want to be here. I gave up all my friends for my wife and kids and job a long time ago. I am alone. I've tried therapy and been through many therapists. I've been through meds.... I'm tired. I'm just tired. I'm 30 years old and ready to go. I pray for God to take me at night so I won't have to do it myself. I even took a bunch of pills one time and just got drunker than ever, but I didn't call anyone to come help me... I just woke up and figured I couldn't even get that right. I'm standing outside the world now, just looking in. I miss my life. I feel like I'm already dead.... and no one notices. I'm tired. Just tired. I just want to drink myself calm and for the silence to come. I miss her and miss my ex wife who makes up one of my biggest regrets. I shouldve never left her. But now I'm past that. I just want to shake the etch a sketch and start over or stay blank. Anything or nothing is better than this.... I can't tread water any more. I'm tired.
     
  2. I don't know what to say really. You have some legitimate reasons for feeling like you do, no doubt about that.

    The situation with you grandmother is horrible ( for her as well as yourself ). Poor woman. Then you received an additional emotional blow from your wife who has apparently lost control of her life and of course it affects you. If you love her, how could it not ?

    I'm sorry that I can't actually help you with your circumstances. I assume that if these issues were resolved you burden would lift ? Gosh, I feel stupid for not being able to offer you some insight to help you. At least here you can be assured that the people who read your posts understand what it means to live a life that confuses and frustrates us.

    Stay with us. Perhaps someone other than myself can contribute something that can help you find your way through this. Good luck.
     
  3. iloco

    iloco New Member

    Well I'm at work right now... for some reason I stay. I think to myself it's pointless to stay. Why not just go. My wife pawned my computer, so the only way I have to be online is at work now. I'm planning on going to buy some whiskey when I get off and drink myself into a stupor. I'm sure it'll be easy then.
     
  4. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I too feel your pain and misery. If only I had the means to give you some actual help to alleviate your suffering. I understand what you're going thru, I just don't know what to say or do other than please stay with us. THere may very likely be someone here who's been thru similar circumstances and can help you better than I. I can offer my friendship and a shoulder to weep on and ears to listen to you when you need to scream and yell. I hope that small bit of help can give you some comfort. At least you aren't alone. THere are many more suffering souls here who will care about you. I wish for some measure of peace for you, and some rest for your weary soul.

    love,

    least
     
  5. iloco

    iloco New Member

    Thank you leastofthese. I should also say that the struggle for me is even harder since I have BPD. With the only person I care about ripping away from me and going toward someone else, my world is crashing down. It feels painful even in a physical sense. Last night I had to move on the bed several times because I got night sweats and one time last night I woke up and my whole body was moving from my heartbeat. I thought I was going to die then and welcomed it. I just don't think I can stay afloat any longer. I've been struggling to live another day even another hour or minute at times, but I think this will prove to be too much.
     
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