I feel like I'm on pause, the rest of the world carries on and i am stuck. I don't know what to do any more because its not a case of feeling like i have too much its a case of not caring enough to do anything. Its weird to wake up after a few hours sleep and look back to the day before and realise you where awake for 22 hours and you didn't do anything, just sat, stared in to space hoping that for a second you'd feel inspired and care enough to move that you'd realise that your whole life is slipping through your fingers but for some reason that isn't the way it works, instead you get up and repeat the silence and the nothing for another day. Sometimes I wake up from the day dream and i feel stupid but instead of doing something about it i just cry and cut and then i go back to the day dream of empty, feeling just long enough so i don't explode with the tension that's building up inside me. I am ruining my life, failing my degree, alienating my friends and sometimes I think about what for? I am loosing everything for a dead man, who if he could talk would tell me to pull myself together he would tell me that he doesn't want me to waste what I've got for him, for what is left of him, just my memories and the pictures. Yet i can't stop, eating myself alive with the guilt, someone told me that i haven't mourned the loss, but i swear all I've been doing is mourning even in my dreams, going to sleep and dreaming he's talking to me every single night and then when I wake up I believe it for a second, I can feel him with me. The truth is that every morning i lose him all over again. I know i need to change something but i don't know what and I'm scared I am sick of watching my life fall apart and feeling like i have no control.