Empty

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Lilyrose, Jan 31, 2010.

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  1. Lilyrose

    Lilyrose New Member

    I feel like I'm on pause, the rest of the world carries on and i am stuck. I don't know what to do any more because its not a case of feeling like i have too much its a case of not caring enough to do anything.
    Its weird to wake up after a few hours sleep and look back to the day before and realise you where awake for 22 hours and you didn't do anything, just sat, stared in to space hoping that for a second you'd feel inspired and care enough to move that you'd realise that your whole life is slipping through your fingers but for some reason that isn't the way it works, instead you get up and repeat the silence and the nothing for another day.
    Sometimes I wake up from the day dream and i feel stupid but instead of doing something about it i just cry and cut and then i go back to the day dream of empty, feeling just long enough so i don't explode with the tension that's building up inside me.
    I am ruining my life, failing my degree, alienating my friends and sometimes I think about what for? I am loosing everything for a dead man, who if he could talk would tell me to pull myself together he would tell me that he doesn't want me to waste what I've got for him, for what is left of him, just my memories and the pictures. Yet i can't stop, eating myself alive with the guilt, someone told me that i haven't mourned the loss, but i swear all I've been doing is mourning even in my dreams, going to sleep and dreaming he's talking to me every single night and then when I wake up I believe it for a second, I can feel him with me. The truth is that every morning i lose him all over again.
    I know i need to change something but i don't know what and I'm scared I am sick of watching my life fall apart and feeling like i have no control.
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    There are grieve support groups. If you cant do anything else for yourself, in that next instance of the few moments that you do feel, call your local mental health facility or the hospital or even sucide or crisis line and ask about them.

    You are still mourning and grieving but in the wrong way hun. You arent allowing yourself to move on. It might be the fear of really accepting what has happened that is holding you back. And living this way is not honoring the memory of the person you lost. You know yourself he would want you to move on, do something with your life. So here is the first step to doing just that.

    You should also call and talk to your doctor about how you are feeling or better yet not feeling. Tell him in the same words that you posted here.

    Although you feel so alone, you arent. There are members here that understand what you are going through. Read some of the posts in Loved and Lost. Find members that have or are experiencing the same thing. PM them and see what they have found for support and how to try and move on.

    I know it's not much but please use what I have offered if for nothing else but to maybe "motivate" you a little. You need to be you again. This horrible dark place you have fallen into isnt what you need. Please try and make a few calls today? :arms:
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU need help okay it is hard to loose someone you love so deeply. You need to get some therapy to help you deal with this loss. Psychologist that deals with grief and loss talk with someone who can help you deal with the pain. Everyone grieves differently but if you are stuck in one place you need someone to help pull you out and to move you on You are right in saying that your love one would not want this for you so try okay go get some help to deal with your grief. It is time to try to heal. take care of you now.
     
  4. Lilyrose

    Lilyrose New Member

    I know I need help, I hate being aware that there is something wrong buy unable to fix it, to fix myself. Part of me feels like i won't have any resolution till the trial is over, but I don't even think i'm seeking justice for him, I don't hate the guy that killed him, if anything i pity him and selfishly i want him to feel for a second what its like to have something like that taken, feel like someone has ripped out his insides and replaced them with nothingness.
    In all honesty, i'm scared that if i go to the doctor, they'll take what i've got and if i don't have this i won't have anything left of him. My brother told me that the feeling would pass, in the end i'd move on but mostly i feel like i'm going backwards. The longer i'm not here, the longer i'm with him in my head. Sometimes i just want to sleep forever because in my dreams he's real again, i can feel him. Its weird the way you don't realise how much something means to you untill its gone.
     
  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    First of all nothing and nobody can ever take him away so don't worry about going to the doctors or to a grief support group. I know someone that lost a loved one and it made all the difference in the world to him. Of course we are all here for you as you can see but loss of a beloved carries it own unique pains and has sets of coping tools that a group or therapist in this area can really help you with. Yes it gets more manageable with time but please don't ever think you will lose your love and memories.

    Keep posting it helps and maybe find another forum too like this that deals with loss of a loved one as that would be a great source of support and comfort too.

    Stay strong, Bambi :arms:
     
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