I stumbled on this forum after staring at the Google search bar for minutes, trying to put something down that would shed some light on the emptiness of my situation. I finally typed in 'suicide', typing that gave me this sense of relief, as if I'm finally just being honest with myself. I want to die, but I'm not selfish enough to take my presence away from loved ones. I hope that doesn't come off as insensitive to some people here, it's just how I feel. That's the only thing keeping me from doing it. I know of multiple ways to end my life quickly and painlessly, the means are at my disposal yet I won't do it because of them. I have a large family and they all do love me very much, I think... well let's just say they're attached to the notion of me being alive, around and involved in their lives. Taking my own life would probably be devastating to them and I have a hard time killing a mosquito, I'm not the kind of person to want others to suffer. I keep telling myself I'd be a coward to commit suicide considering the effect my death would have on others. I don't want this to be the only thing keeping me alive though. I want to kill myself because I see no point in living. Before I go on I should explain that I have beliefs, experiences, that have made me feel like I've 'done it all' already, multiple times over. Dreams of past lives would be the most succinct way to describe it but I know that sort of thing is considered 'not real' by a lot of people. I became a Buddhist because of these experiences since that philosophy so readily accepts the concept of reincarnation. I've wanted to just join a monastery and spend most of my life in deep meditation but it feels to me like a forceful stripping of my identity what with all the hair shaving, robe wearing and strict rules. It just seems like another system designed to homogenize people. Religion in action I feel empty, like a husk. Or like pure light. It's a feeling without feeling. Emptiness. These dreams and memories I've had, of lives as someone else, they all end the same way. With this experience of emptiness. I can't even describe it in words, nothingness implies an absence of something and that isn't it. I thought finding that would give me something wonderful but it's made everything empty. Every time I meditate I sit until I reach a point where the body no longer exists, where I no longer exist except by a tiny thread. It's a relief. This feeling of weightlessness and non being. Then eventually something brings me back to my body and I just don't know what to do. Everything the body wants, everything my identity craves, I see right through it and it bothers me. I see the gaps in 'reality'. I just want to dissolve myself. And yet I don't at some level, which is why I'm here, rambling pedantically.