Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Wing, Jul 4, 2011.

  1. Wing

    Wing New Member

    I stumbled on this forum after staring at the Google search bar for minutes, trying to put something down that would shed some light on the emptiness of my situation. I finally typed in 'suicide', typing that gave me this sense of relief, as if I'm finally just being honest with myself. I want to die, but I'm not selfish enough to take my presence away from loved ones. I hope that doesn't come off as insensitive to some people here, it's just how I feel. That's the only thing keeping me from doing it. I know of multiple ways to end my life quickly and painlessly, the means are at my disposal yet I won't do it because of them. I have a large family and they all do love me very much, I think... well let's just say they're attached to the notion of me being alive, around and involved in their lives. Taking my own life would probably be devastating to them and I have a hard time killing a mosquito, I'm not the kind of person to want others to suffer. I keep telling myself I'd be a coward to commit suicide considering the effect my death would have on others.

    I don't want this to be the only thing keeping me alive though.

    I want to kill myself because I see no point in living. Before I go on I should explain that I have beliefs, experiences, that have made me feel like I've 'done it all' already, multiple times over. Dreams of past lives would be the most succinct way to describe it but I know that sort of thing is considered 'not real' by a lot of people. I became a Buddhist because of these experiences since that philosophy so readily accepts the concept of reincarnation. I've wanted to just join a monastery and spend most of my life in deep meditation but it feels to me like a forceful stripping of my identity what with all the hair shaving, robe wearing and strict rules. It just seems like another system designed to homogenize people. Religion in action :rolleyes:

    I feel empty, like a husk. Or like pure light. It's a feeling without feeling. Emptiness. These dreams and memories I've had, of lives as someone else, they all end the same way. With this experience of emptiness. I can't even describe it in words, nothingness implies an absence of something and that isn't it. I thought finding that would give me something wonderful but it's made everything empty.

    Every time I meditate I sit until I reach a point where the body no longer exists, where I no longer exist except by a tiny thread. It's a relief. This feeling of weightlessness and non being. Then eventually something brings me back to my body and I just don't know what to do. Everything the body wants, everything my identity craves, I see right through it and it bothers me. I see the gaps in 'reality'. I just want to dissolve myself.

    And yet I don't at some level, which is why I'm here, rambling pedantically.
  2. lancashirelass

    lancashirelass Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum. We all have these feelings at times about not wanting to leave family behind to deal with the grief. You will find lots of ppl on hear that will listen and hopefully offer some advice to make you feel better. I hope you find this site helpful :hug:
  3. Wing

    Wing New Member

    After reading all these posts on this forum I feel so ashamed that this is me pouring my heart out. It's as though I don't actually have a heart. Or I do but as far as I'm concerned it's just a pumping mechanism in an organic machine. The thing that disturbs me the most is the shame I feel doesn't even seem real. Nothing does.
  4. lancashirelass

    lancashirelass Well-Known Member

    There is nothing to feel ashamed about that is what this site is for to help ppl no matter what we don't judge everyone is treated the same.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry you are struggling so I hope you reach out to your doctor and get some help to relieve your sadness to decrease your struggle Medication can help but also therapy can help too Having someone who will listen and help you think in a different way Glad to see you reaching out here hugs
  6. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    ive felt very much the same. Its a part of my isolation problem, i also seem to talk to myself alot(might be because I dont have any social interaction outside my immediate family?). I actually was considering joining some amish community in the future sometime, but they're too strict and revolve around religion, when I just want to get away from other people. so im left with the thought of buying a whole lot of land possibly out west and just hiding away from everything. this wont really happen because i'm pretty sure i'll be gone by the time im 20.

    have u ever sought help for your problems?