Emptying my head (Very Long Story. Good for insomnia)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Bigman2232, Feb 14, 2009.

  1. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    One of my biggest problems is that I think too damn much. I constantly replay events and sometimes I think things that I hate myself for thinking. So this is a dumping of my thoughts and maybe it will help me to stop thinking about it.

    My biggest focus has been trying to meet someone. Well I am extremely confused now and just need to write out the occurrences to see if I'm just imagining it all. I met Cl in September at a party put on by our residence manager and it was immediate attraction from my side. Which has never really happened to me. Usually I find a girl attractive looking but I don't get that feeling of attraction until after I get to know them.

    I figured I'd never see her again just because she looked like someone who was in a different group of people than what I usually hang out with. Turns out I was wrong and she was in the townhouse a few down from mine. My roommate and I went to a party at her and her male roommate's place and it was fun. I drank a full 26 oz bottle of Canadian club, so I was a little on the drunk side. This was the night that I first got the impression that I might have a shot. She checked who was single in the room and it was only my roommate, her roommate, me, and of course herself. While I was walking from the living room into the kitchen (where she and a bunch of other guys were) I overheard a few of the other guys yell out that she was a "chubby chaser". Now I was the only guy there who would even qualify for this tile since the rest were all athletic or tall and lanky guys.

    Being who I am I did not make a strong move towards her and instead I just hung out with her and friends for about 2 weeks before another one of her friends came to visit and they ended up starting to date. I'm thinking that she is used to the type of guys who are very forward and go after what they want, so my approach more than likely came off as uninterested, IF she even was interested. So time goes on and we still hang out and while I do still have feelings for her, I'm not going to mess with someone who is unavailable and I keep an eye out for somebody else.

    Now to the next night of confusion. She comes over at 1130 at night, completely hammered, wondering if we want to drink. I say yes and go over to drink. A few other friends are there and we're all having a good night. She's dancing and singing along with music and partying with another girl. Then she jumps onto my lap and makes a "sexy" pose for a picture. She takes a few more with me, including one where she grabbed my head pulled me in an kissed me on the cheek. (I know that it's really nothing, but to someone who has never had it happen before, it still caused my mind to go %$#@^*(!*&^ ) Eventually we ended up wrestling since she wanted to learn how to fight someone my size. It ended up with her pinning me while I was face down, so I just grabbed her legs and stood up with her hanging on for a piggyback. I can't remember what we were talking about but I asked if she was talking to me or to the other guy and I turned my head to look back at her, at which point she gave me another peck on the cheek. Eventually she finally wound down and we left her to go to sleep. It turned out she had gotten some messages from an ex that really upset her.

    So for the next couple of months it was nothing big except some times when she would get in an argument with an ex or with her current bf and she would want to party with people. If you've read my other posts, you know I'm a protector of all my friends so I was usually around to keep an eye on her. So I gave her advice and someone to talk to (a lot of the other people, while good people, are still really immature. But I am also several years older) who actually listened and remembered.

    Now a few weeks ago she broke up with her bf, after thinking about doing it for several months but eventually backing out. During this time she told me what she was thinking and what things had happened. Things her roommate didn't even know about until after the break up happened. During this time she started to talk to her most recent ex and she wasn't sure if she still had feelings for him or not because he was very sure that he did for her (call him D from now on).

    While she has been doing things with D, she hasn't actually gone and made it a official dating. Some times it seems like she wants to be with him and others she makes it clear she needs a break from him, haha.

    Finally onto the most recent events that have added to my stupidity. I finally met D when a bunch of us went out on thursday night. We first drank at her place before going to a restaurant for some nachos and a few drinks and finally went downtown to the bars. I had a somewhat bad opinion of D before we met because I knew about the pressure he put on Cl to get back with him while she was still with her bf as well as other stories. But I was willing to meet him in person and see for myself. He was alright and I wasn't going to hold anything against him. When we got to the first bar where we were meeting some friends, D was refused entry because the week before he had been wrongly kicked out for something he didn't do. So we went somewhere else but he was pissed. I went to tell the friends waiting for us where we were going and they ended up joining us at the other bar.

    Now throughout the night D had been all over Cl, hugging, rubbing, kissing and whispering in her ear. The part that was weird about it was that half the time she went along with it but then the other half she pushed him away and had this look of "back off" or "what should I do". And a lot of those times she was looking right at me. At least the times that I risked looking over to them. For some reason D was upset about something and get putting his head down into his hands, like you would if you were about to cry or something. I ignored it but at one point I pitched in $5 for a pitcher of beer ($10 pitcher of Canadian, woohoo) that I didn't want (I was too full haha) but a few other's did. When it arrived, Cl came over and gave me a big hug and said thanks but I didn't really reciprocate (only said your welcome and let her do the hugging) because I knew it would bother D. It did anyways and the two of them ended up going off to talk or something.

    Near the end of the night D was pretty inebriated and he actually was asked to leave the bar because he was visibly "drunk". This pissed him off again but he left and I went with him and Cl to give her a hand. (He's like 6'4 or higher, so I'm about the only one that could move him if he had to be) At one point it was just me and him and he told me how much he 'loved" Cl and that he was worried he had ruined the night. I told him he hadn't and that we were planning on leaving soon anyways. We got in the taxi and he just put his head on her shoulder and she turned and said thanks for helping. We got home and I went in to say hi to her roommate and see how his night had been. D and Cl stayed outside to talk and when I went to walk to my unit I passed them and she was sitting on a bench while he was crying leaning about a wall. I said good night and have a good reading week (University March break).

    There have also been several times when she has brought up that if a guy has the courage to ask her out, she will always say yes. I've also had convos with her roommate where he asks my opinion on her and it just seems like he's looking for my reaction to show that I'd like to go out with her. But I just could be imagining this.

    My big problem is that I honestly don't think D is someone she needs to be dealing with right now. I'm pretty good at reading people (on all things but interest in me) and she just strikes me as someone who dates a guy so that she has someone to keep her occupied and to give her attention. I know things about her past and I know that she is trying to avoid thinking about them. So having someone keeps her distracted and shows that she is ok.

    I went to lunch with her on the thursday and I had planned to ask her if she was ok. I didn't bring it up so I had that thing where you can tell someone wants to say something but doesn't. The thing was, she had the same thing. Then when she asked me if I wanted to drink with her, D and his friend, she seemed hesitant, like she thought I'd say no or something.

    I just have so much in my head and it's hard to make it make sense when I write it out, but I had to get some of it out. I'm also extremely confused myself. I feel like I imagine so much.