i've tried killing myself countless times since i was 11. last attempt, my boyfriend found me & got me to the hospital just in time for the doctors to be congratulating him on saving my life, because of how close i was to going. that's something i always held against him. something i held against myself. if i would've done more, bled more, took more...whatever my escape was - if only it was more. no matter how far i keep on going, & trying to overcome this feeling.. it never did rid me. after years & years of trying to find 'happiness' whatever that word means. i could never. this time, i'll make sure there's no mistakes. there's no way i'll be able to save daylight because now my past is haunting me. my present is haunting me. every fucking problem i've ever faced seems to be coming back at once. & i cannot handle. im beginning to not want to anymore. it's just an endless cycle. attempt at suicide. fail. try find happiness. get close. have it torn from you. suicidal, once again. i'm sick of it. sick of everything.