end of my rope

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Eye Casper, Apr 4, 2010.

  1. Eye Casper

    Eye Casper New Member

    so, Im not really sure about how to go about this or even begin to explain whats running through my head right now.

    I guess for starters, I found this quote on another site and its really been eating away at me the past week or so, "Suicide is not chosen, it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain." and I ran out of resources a while ago.

    I feel like im on borrowed time, I have no one to speak to, and if i told anyone, i would just get judged. I dont know where my rope ends but i feel like im close to the end.

    Im 20 years old, the only memories I have of my early childhood is of my alcoholic father beating my mom, our tralier house, and the fact that we were about as broke as you get. We managed to get out sometime after i turned 7, from then we moved alot and finally settled about the time i was 11-12. middle school/high school were horrible, I have nothing but regret. I was angry all the time as a young teen.

    Im sorry if this all seems so random, my mind is racing and im just trying to type as much as i can right now.

    Suicide has been a reoccurring thought in my mind since i was about 15, I'v always thought about it but never really did much about it until i was 17. When i was 17, I put a loaded gun to my head, my finger was literally on the trigger, the only thing that stopped me was my mom. My mom has a big heart and i knew if something like that had happened, it would of tore her apart. Just the thought of hurting my mom like that is bringing tears to my eyes. but I dont know how much more I can take.

    It seems like every time I have a brief moment of happieness, it just comes crashing down around me. I always tried to stay strong for my friends but I cant do it anymore. The last year of my life has been a nitemare.

    I'v had my hearted ripped out, more then once. I sure know how to pick em. I have tried to work on my anger issues over the past few years and i calmed down alot but now i just feel it coming back. my life is in such a bad spot right now. I just dont want to deal with it anymore.

    And honestly, as of right now, theres only one reason why i didnt give up already. One of my friends just started a tattoo business recently and all of her clients were asking for small tats, while at the same time, she is trying to build her profile. So she started a big tattoo on me, It was started a few weeks ago but its gonna take multiple sessions so I told myself that I wouldnt do anything till it was done and she could add it to her portfolio.

    I feel like im just a burden on everyone, my friends, my family, and anyone reading this.

    Im stressed and physically and mentally exhausted all the time,honestly, sometimes its comforting knowing that I could go to sleep and not wake up.

    But worst of all, Im a man of logic and nothing in my life makes sense!
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi welcome glad you reached out here. NOone Judges here lots of caring understanding people here. YOu are so young to give up hope so soon. i hope you are getting therapy and on medication for your depression. If it is not under control time to try the newer medication on the market ones that do work. therapy and meds together work the best. Keep posting okay your friend sounds wonderful and i hope you know you would devastate them if you would to give in Your young enough so fight okay to get well and stay well take care
  3. Eye Casper

    Eye Casper New Member

    Never been diagnosed, never taken meds, never had therapy. none of my friends even realize how my thought process works, I put on a happy front when im at work or with my friends, but i feel like im already dead. I may only be 20, but so much suffering can happen in 20 years. Today was the first time i cryed since i was 13.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    wow i am glad you cried that is the first step Now go get some help for you You deserve to be at peace happy you deserve to heal and be stable all doable with the right meds and therapy you can have a life without sadness and pain
    20 and ready to do something to change the road your one reach out and get the help needed start by asking your regular doctor for some medication to help and set you up a referral for some therapy Heres to getting you stronger and feeling better:hugtackles: