I've sat here staring at this screen for quite a while... I don't even have words to say whats on my heart. Nothing is making happy, nothing is distracting me from my misery and talking about it has ceased to be helpful. There's no answers and I know that ending it is the only way to escape my situation. Am having to choose between two drugs for my bipolar mania and I don't want either of them. The old one makes me sleepy, hungry and makes me live in a land of stoned indifference. Its given me metabolic syndrome and am teetering on the verge of heart disease and diabetes. The new one gives me migraines, the worst nausea of my entire life, vomiting, I've stopped eating and I can't sleep anymore either without a sleeping pill. The only good part about either of those pills is that the later one allows me to think clearly and articulate whats on my mind. And until I was put in a position of choosing between them, I was laughing again. There's no more laughing in my life anymore as I'm tired of the migraines, of not eating, of not sleeping. I don't want to take either of them and a lifetime of being stuck on medication to control the mania is overwhelming to say the least. Its been six years since I was diagnosed and I had resigned myself to being sedated all the time, struggling to stay awake, but now that I've been on this other drug for three months and can think clearly again, I can't cope with going back on the old one. I have a plan, but I'm lacking the guts to do it. Maybe next week after I get the final word that I have to switch back to the land of stoned indifference? Maybe I'll spare myself the misery of hearing the words and just get it over with. Medication seems like such a stupid thing to kill myself over, if I look at this situation objectively. I've reached the end of my rope, guys.