End of the line

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by veedub, Jun 26, 2010.

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  1. veedub

    veedub New Member

    I have reached the end of my line. I have been battling evil thoughts for more than 20 years. I am too tired I fighting it anymore. I feel like I need to end my life before I lash out at those I love. I am not posting this so that someone will talk me out of this or as a cry for help. I am posting it so that I am able to get this off my chest.
    I have already picked out my date. I haven't picked out a method yet, I have picked out place and have most of my goodbye notes written. This isn't my first attempt but it will be my last.
    I understand that life isn't fair all the time, but it should be fair some of the time. I just can't sit back and have thought of hurting myself very single day. I just want the pain to stop. It's the only thing I have control over, I am the only one that can stop it. I am going to stop it.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your right you are the only one that can control it by going to the hospital and telling them what ever you are on is not working what ever therapy you have tried is not working Tell them there are new medicaiton and you want to try them now YOu yell scream whatever it takes to get the proper help for you and live a peaceful living. Go to emergency and tell them you are tired of all those thoughts and you need help to stop them now okay YOU HAVE CONTROL get HELP NOW>
  3. veedub

    veedub New Member

    Thank you Violet, I have done that. After my last attempt I was placed in the hospital for over a week and was told that my meds were good. Less than I week after that I am back in the ER with med issues. I just can't take this anymore. I don't have the strength to fight anymore. I don't have the strength to "wait it out" anymore. I just can't live like this.
    It's time to move on. Thank you for your kind words though.
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I understand.. Been in and out of treatement centers and ER for 5 or so years.. been on tons of diffrent meds.. and been in difrent foster placements and such.. :( .. Im not sure I can help you.. just understand.. I cant rly take much more either..
  5. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I used to think violent thoughts. It took me a long time to realize that I am not the type of person to have them, so I rejected them, and still reject them. Other things help me, such as my faith, it helps A LOT, but that is just me. I am sure you too can find something that will help. I seriously doubt you really want to hurt anyone. If you did, you would not suffer for it, you would indulge in it and take pleasure in them to the point of doing them. And seeing you do not do that proves that you aren't. I pray you get the help you need, and give life a chance. Death will always be there whether you want it to be or not, why rush it? If you would like a friend to talk to I am here. If not, I pray you find a friend you can talk to. Blessings..
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I have often wondered where these evil thoughts come from in the first place? I wonder if there are negative entities around us that influence us in negative ways and I wonder if there are also guardian angels who are there to help us when we are down? Keep fighting those evil thoughts. Don't let them control your thoughts or actions.
  7. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hi Veedub,

    You say you have been fighting evil thoughts for 20 years. That is a beautiful and admirable thing to do. Why give up that fight? Why let the evil thoughts win? Thise thoughts have ruined a great portion of your life . Don't surrender to the enemy within. Fight it and let those thoughts be defeated. Pray and ask for guidence.Many times it is the very special souls amung us that have the greatest burdens. Maybe these thoughts plague you because you are good and the thoughts are attacking that goodness. Don't let your negative side win. Pray and fight and survive and bring out the good that is so strong and has won so many victories against your negative side! You may be very close to victory. Get help if you need it. Pray and try to help others and cultivate the great goodness in you!!!!

    Write if you like,

  8. veedub

    veedub New Member

    Marty, thank you for your kind words but I am out of fight. Since a very young again I have fought my demons. They affect every aspect of my life, my job, my relationships, my health. They have won. I am just delaying the certain. The person on the outside looking in may say that I have so much to live for, the truth is, they aren't in my head. They don't feel the pain I feel. I can't live like this anymore.
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    You have to fight those demons veedub. They are trying to control your life and pull you over to the dark side. Whether they are metaphoric demons or actual demons, is beside the point. You can't let them win, you just can't. If you kill yourself then they have succeeded and the devil has won. You must ask for help from your guardian angels because you need to win this battle. The battle between good and evil rages on.
  10. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I respect everything you have said. I don't mean to trivialize your pain. I will never know it and can never judge you. You are just such an amazing person to wage a war against your inner negative side that long. I hate to see you lose heart. I think you have to realize that you don't have to fight this alone. No one wins a war alone. It is admirable that you fought so well for so long. Now it's time to enlist the help of other sprirtual warriors. We are here. I am here. If you pray, I believe, you will get help there too. You are not expected to fight your war alone. You are obviously a very strong person to have gotten this far. I fought unbrearable things for 5 years as a young person. It almost destroyed me. As I felt I was going under, I reached out for help and I found it. Within one week my life was changed forever. My problems were never as bad again. I still struggle,but I have never struggled like I did then. I went to my college psychologist,who was also a minister, and he healed me. We met for years for therapy sessions and he never asked for a dime. All of this came from the realization that I couldn't do it alone. I tired and I am a fairly strong person,but it almost killed me. You don't need to fight your battle alone. Don't. Give others the opportunity to help you and they will also be helped by helping you. Fighting these things alone is always a mistake. That's what the negative sideof ourselves wants. It appealsto our pride so we won't defeat it. I had to fight my pride to ask for help,but the rewards we beyond belief. I developed faith and a true belief in a divine source because I stopped fighting alone. You are a hero. The world needs people who have suffered and survived. You have compassion because of your suffering and you can add to the compassion of the world. We need so much more compassion in this world. You are an agent for that. You may be fighting things that no one else has ever had to fight. Maybe your suffering is something no one else can ever understand. But you are a fighter and a soldier. All great generals need an army. Build one and defeat whatever this is that wants to defeat you. You might be very close to the best part of your life. Get your army together and crush the part of you that wants to destroy you!!!!
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