end of the line

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Cpt-Fantastic, Jan 2, 2011.

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  1. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    around 8 ill be waiting for the train, too bad its not a nice day today but ah well just another let down, i at least hope its at speed just quick like a switchblade kss. i dont know what to say im kinda new to this, its my first attempt, and i hope its my last. should i tell somebody should i fix some mends, hopefully it wont matter anymore. i have no idea what to say but i can give one last outting.

    Like a firefly without a light

    You were there like a blowtorch burning
    I was a key that could use a little turning

    So tired that I couldn't even sleep
    So many secrets I couldn't keep
    I promised myself I wouldn't weep
    One more promise I couldn't keep

    It seems no one can help me now,
    I'm in too deep; there's no way out
    This time I have really led myself astray

    Wrong way on a one-way track
    Seems like I should be getting somewhere
    Somehow I'm neither here nor there

    How on earth did I get so jaded?

    I can go where no one else can go
    I know what no one else knows

    And everything seems cut and dried,
    Day and night, earth and sky,
    Somehow I just don't believe it
    A little out of touch, a little insane
    It's just easier than dealing with the pain

    The burning in my veins
    I run away but it always stays the same

    it was nice to be here it felt like it eased the pain, there is nothing you guys could do dont keep it in your mind, forget about it the world keeps turning. just another 5 billion years and the sun will die out and nothing we did will ever matter anyway.

    goodbye and best of luck on all your future endeavours
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    please don't do this. you can get better. go to the ER and tell them how badly you are feeling. they will take care of you until you start to feel better... you are worth it.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are wrong there are people who can help you NOW Pick up the phone and call your hospital the crisis number and get some HELP now IT is there waiting for you to accept it Pick up phone now and start getting help to heal. hugs
  4. Romancer

    Romancer Well-Known Member

    don't, you need to be in netherlands for my visit :O
  5. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    nice, but doctors leave such a bad aftertaste. i think its better this way
  6. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    The wrong doctor can leave a bad aftertaste, the right doctor can work wonders. You have to keep trying until you find the right doctor.
    Also, have you thought of what you're going to do to the train driver? Or don't they matter?
  7. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    you´re right christine, i cant do this to the train driver. im going to do >>Edit Mod<<, its weird ive always had thoughts that this moment would be really thought over and would be legendary but instead im here half drunk thinking about doing the simplest suicide in the world. i dont like doctors, they make me feel unwanted and uncomfortable nobody wants me thats why i want to suicide i have no friends i have no future im dead man walking
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2011
  8. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I can understand that doctors make you feel uncomfortable and unwanted. Unfortunately there are too many doctors who don't understand mental illness and cause a lot of damage as a result.
    It doesn't make you a hopeless case though, it just means that we have to start your recovery from a different angle.
    The no friends bit is easily resolved. You'll make a lot of friends here on SF. Once you feel secure in the support that SF can give you, you'll find it a lot easier to take further steps on the road to recovery. Recovery is possible, there are a lot of people on SF who are proof of that and one day, hopefully, you'll be one of them.
    We can help either here in the thread or through pm. You're very welcome to pm me anytime and I'd be delighted to have the chance to be your friend. I like having friends and I'm fortunate in that I have a lot of them. Like love, there's always room for more though.
    So the ball is in your court now. Are you willing to spend another day talking to me and opening up about your problems and whatever it is in your life that seems so insurmountable? I'm willing to be here to listen if you are.
    Your life is valuable to me and I don't want to give up on you.
  9. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    but catherine i have nothing to look forward to, i havent been happy about the future since i was 14 years old and right now i feel so useless
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2011
  10. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Right now you can look forward to getting to know us all. We're a very mixed bunch of people but the thing that we all have in common is knowledge of just how horrible it is to have mental health problems. We know the depths of despair that can cause and we also know that it is possible to recover.
    You're not useless. Right now you're helping people without even being aware of it. Just by posting in this forum you have helped people. You may never meet that person, you'll probably never find out how you helped them but someone somewhere is reading your post and thinking 'yeah, I feel like that too'. That person may not have the strength to post for themselves and they'll be watching the thread to see what happens. So by continuing to post, you'll be helping them even more.
    How old are you now? Have you ever had a diagnosis of mental health problems? Have you ever had meds or therapy? Also, what country are you in?
  11. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    You don't have to look forward - try to live positively in the here and now e.g. Right here and now I feel warm and comfortable and I've got a lovely cup of tea to drink.
    Please accept friendship from sf and please talk to a crisis line or get to hospital - your friends here want you to live. X
  12. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    christine you work wonders, i dont want to die today. ive been talking with a psychologist and she seems to be aiming for bipolar, but when i had a talk with the psychiater i tried my hardest just to go for add so i could get ritalin and hopefully sort myself out im from the netherlands its this small country just above france. the capital is amsterdam, so you know sex, drugs and tulips;) i havent had meds of any kind yet
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2011
  13. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    If you're from the Netherlands I presume there's some kind of National Health system? That's going to make it all a lot easier. It breaks my heart when we get people from countries with no health system and no money to pay a doctor but we havent' got that with you so we're off to a positive already.
    What do you know of Bipolar? I'm Bipolar and in my experience it pays to read up on everything ever written about the illness. Knowledge is power!
    If you are Bipolar then you need to forget about going for the ritalin, it won't help. Other drugs will help though and they will help a lot. It depends on what type of Bipolar you have but if it's what used to be called 'manic depression' then it feels like you're treating two illnesses. You need the correct combo of meds to bring both into remission. Once you get that, life gets much easier. Of course it's not all about meds. Therapy plays its part and learning coping strategies is a must. Sometimes coping strategies are taking one day at a time and sometimes you get down to taking one hour at a time.
    Fitzy is right, sometimes you just have to accept the small positives of now and its amazing how often a cup of tea will be a small positive of now.
    Do you keep a mood diary? It's an incredibly useful tool particularly for help in diagnosing the right condition.
    Also are you self medicating? If I were in Amsterdam the temptation to go to the cafe's would be huge. Some people think it helps, others think it makes things worse. I know that I can't touch alcohol because it acts like a major depressant for me. I allow myself a glass of wine with Xmas dinner and that's it unless there's some sort of special celebration going on. Its just not worth the depression though so I generally don't touch alcohol. I do smoke cigarettes and shouldn't but that's where my self medication comes in. Plus of course, its a form of self harm.
    The more you learn about your illness and the more you learn about yourself, the easier the road to recovery is. Its a long road so you have to be prepared for that but there's a lot of people here who will be urging you on (and I'm one of them!)
  14. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    i feel ashamed for posting here still, especially after my big finally topic where i said i would end it. its a shame but instead i grabbed for a bottle of vodka and downed half of it, i was so drunk i couldnt walk in a straight line and felt good at that time, i fell asleep on the couch whilst chatting with a good (internet) friend. so im sorry you guys, i didnt go through last time. havent even tried, instead i got all drunk and fell asleep what a douche i am.
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Lullo glad you are here glad you did not go through with it I hope in time you will reach out for support from others crisis team you doc family Hugs okay don't feel bad we have all been there before
  16. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I'd rather you downed the bottle of vodka although I wouldn't recommend it as a coping strategy. You'll just end up with a drink problem instead. Right now though, you did what you had to do to survive and that's a good thing. It doesn't make you a douche and you have nothing to feel ashamed about.
    Lots of people use alcohol as self medication which is why we end up with so many alcoholics. Now you need to replace it with a better coping mechanism. How do you feel about exercise? The only exercise I get is when I run screaming because someone mentioned exercise. Do you feel the same way?
  17. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    haha no well yeah i had a gym membership last 2 months because it was at a fair introduction price but since this year it expired but im thinking about renewing it, its just pretty expensive and i dont really have a clue which gym i should get and stuff, but could try
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