end of the line

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by smanon83, Nov 8, 2011.

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  1. smanon83

    smanon83 Member

    well, just got back from group dbt therapy. I was scared they were going to send me to inpatient and pull me out of the group if I was honest on my journal sheet about being really suicidal, self-harming, and even OD'ing a few times. They didn't comment on it. The therapists didn't even talk to me. While I'm glad I'm not in inpatient, I thought someone might at least check in with me. Just more people who don't really care when it comes right down to it.

    All I've done lately is screw things up. I always say or do the wrong thing, or don't say or do the right thing. Everyone just thinks I'm in a bad mood and sometimes they even joke about it. I bring everyone down.

    My parents have paid for so much therapy, psychiatry, hospital stays, medications. Not to mention tuition bills for a degree I'm never going to be able to finish. It's their time to be free from all that financial burden and disappointment. Nobody on this earth is going to feel bad if I'm gone. Some people might be upset at first but they'll get over it soon enough. My parents have my two brothers who are perfect and they have children so their grandparents. I'll never have anyone special in my life again and I can't have children anyway. My brothers and all my friends have really made something of their lives and then there's me who didn't do anything except be sick, first physically (I had cancer) and now mentally. So my claim to fame is being an f-up.

    So I think I've reached the end of the line. I keep praying not to wake up every day, but that hasn't worked so far so I guess I'll need to help it along a little. I'll probably screw that up too.

    Well I hope not too many people wasted their time reading this. I'm sorry if you did. I feel like such a burden. I just had to get some stuff out before I go.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You are not a f-up, you have survived so much and struggled hard but you are still here. Therapy is hard and takes time to do any good, how long have you been having it?

    You care about your parents, and they care about you, give yourself another chance for their sake please.

    Why do you have these thoughts, do you know?
  3. vapourdwarf

    vapourdwarf Active Member

    I agree with Windlepoons to go through so much and still keep going is very hard but you are which is an achievment in it's self so you are not an f-up, also i would challenge anyone to go through the same and not come away with battle scars of some sort.

    Again i don't know how long you have been having therapy and i hope you can hold on and stick with it a little longer.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Danielle: You beat cancer, a disease which is clearly not your fault...if you had cancer at a young age, of course it is going to affect you...one thing you might consider is not to wait for someone to take action, but instead get something for yourself...tell someone how you feel, especially someone who can help...although you do not feel like it right now, you deserve to feel better...but this is not a failure...it is so difficult to reveal who we really are...you will be surprised, when choosing the right person to disclose who you are to, how that can feel...please PM me if I can be that person...it would be my honor, and I can assure you, you will be greeted with compassion...please keep telling us what is going on as so many of us feel/ have felt as you stated...big hugs
  5. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    I pray that you are still with us. You have had a very difficult road but you are still here so that says a lot about your spirit and will to survive. I believe that you know, deep inside, that you are worth the fight and destined to be so much more. Your parents obviously love and care about you or they wouldn't put their time and money into helping you. I'm sure they are scared for u but are not sure how they can help you themselves. Have u Ever sat down with either of them and had a true heart to heart talk with them? What about your siblings? And by heart to heart I mean telling them everything and holding nothing back. If you feel you can't do this, you can. You are strong and want help so keep reaching for it. Reach out to the people on this site if u feel u can't open up to your family. You are surrounded by love, let it in. You deserve it. Always hope and believe:)
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hun i too hope you have reached out for some more support okay YOU are worth every bit the fight hun. Your parents and siblings need you here hugs
  7. OldGuy

    OldGuy Active Member

    One thing about DBT groups is they are more about learning and reinforcing the DBT skills than about processing what is going on in your life. Please call, email or other wise let your therapist know what's going on so they can support you. I
  8. NQ1340

    NQ1340 Member

    I dont mean to be rude but you are putting the horse before the carriage.

    I don't think you parents paid for your tuition and expenses cuz they had to. I think they want to. (Their son/daughter is considerate to them enough, after all)

    Therefore, to die would be to deny them what they want, in my opinion.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 8, 2011
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