Last week I realised that I'd had enough. Life isn't worth this much pain. It isn't an impulsive decision and I'm prepared to wait till I have sorted specific things. It's pretty rational because I'd prefer to live and not be in pain but after 10 years, many doctors and a long term therapist, I don't see that being an option. Recently I was told that this pain is me and from that I've been debating whether I can live with it. I don't think I can. I do feel a bit sad because I don't really want to die but I can't see any other options except continuing as I have these past 10 years in pain. And as I get older and miss out on the things I want because I'm too tired from the day to be around people too often - I'm less willing to sit here and continue for the sake of it. My therapist has known I've had suicidal ideation before and I'm in two minds to tell her again because I genuinely don't think she'll be able to help me so I don't really see the point. I don't want to continue in this pain and I don't see how that will change at any time - she's practically told me it won't...besides I'm due to finish therapy in a few months because financially I can't afford it anymore and I have been slowly coming to the point over several months where I realise it probably won't help much more than it has. It's quite funny because I've been thinking I should get out of my job, my environment and get a new perspective - I've been ill for so long that I've spent a lot of time isolated from others because I'm so tired all the time plus I'm probably stagnated in myself - but I don't know how to do that without taking more sick leave (already taken a few weeks recently) and I have no annual leave till September which is far too long away. I said it was funny because I'm willing to commit suicide but I'm worried about leaving my job in a non straight forward way. The problem is, if I take a break and go far away, I'd have to come back and I'd rather that be easy to do...whereas if I die, I don't have to be concerned with that at all. That makes a strange kind of sense! Anyway, I was debating coming here and saying anything to anyone. I always have a slight hope that saying something, someone will listen and suggest a way out other than suicide. But I'm not a stupid person and I would have found it if I could have over the last ten years. I guess I've come here to voice how strange it is to get to that place where a decision has been made...I genuinely didn't think I'd have to make this choice...I thought by working so hard over the years, I'd have been in a better position than this one. Isn't it funny how life works out.... The only thing I wish I'd done differently because I have worked so hard at not letting my depression win...is that I wish I'd gone out and had experiences. Quite obviously I couldn't have done that as I was so ill, I have always appeared functional because I've woven a carefully balance act together....but I wish I had. It makes me wonder if I can do that now, but I'm genuinely unsure how to find the energy and concentration to figure out travel etc...even small things in my city are mountains to climb and I cry when I think about doing them...and those I have done are helpful but so exhausting. Depression is such a complex beast - it destroys the things I think may help. Oh well, I've no hope left that I will find more energy. I've hoped for too long.