end of the road?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dontwannabeme, Oct 2, 2010.

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  1. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    Hey all,

    Im at the point in my life i don't have the strength in my body too go on.
    Did you ever feel like you don't want too be you? i do every day.
    Ive been fighting a hard battle every day now for 14 years long.
    Ive tried every drug there is too escape reality.
    Gone too a lot of different psychologists.
    But what if the people you love are the ones that mess you up.
    My life was around the ones i loved. Now that seems too fade away.
    These past 2 months been the toughest in my fight of 14 years as i accepted the fact its not gonna get better.
    What if people cannot change. Some cant :(
    Too show you my state of mind atm it does not involve the problems causing it but the state im in now what makes me feel my life has no use or goal.
    I wrote a short version of a day in my life. Too keep it light for some i decided too remove some of the mental abuse i get.

    would you ever hurt someone you know?
    Would you ever hurt a person you dont know?
    The air i breath feels like acid thruw a drain.
    The nights i live are there for hurt and sorrow.
    Every night i go too sleep.
    With the thought hoping there will be no tomorrow
    But there always is.
    As you open the courtains you see the sadniss Before you
    As the rain falls down the sky too the ground
    Washing it all away
    You go downstairs get a cup of coffee and have a smoke
    Back upstairs too your room
    Dress yourself maybe take a shower first
    Brush your teeth
    Get your car keys and go off too work
    Broken and tired you go after a hard and tiring day of work
    Do some shopping
    And when i enter the shop
    All i see is people not even looking at other people
    They dont greet smile laugh or talk too you or others
    At the register you always pay you see a girl/woman
    faking a nice hello a fake smile
    You aknowledge the hello and move on too your car
    Start it up and go home
    You open the door
    Its all dark and you feel the loneliness across the hall
    You walk in turn off the alarm with a deep grunt you made it thruw another day
    You set the groceries in the kitchen unpack and grab a drink
    Go back too the living room and sit down turn on the tv
    Look at the news and once again see the sadniss and hurt in the world
    another selfbombing in somewhere 10 people died
    You puff again and try too find something more fun
    But you know evry thing you see is scripted.
    So you watch and laugh while you know deep inside its all fake.
    You finally go upstairs turn on the computer.
    Try too get into a different world where you can escape reality.
    But ya know what that reality you create has too end.
    SO you turn it off and undress.
    Take a look outside into the night
    Look at the stars while thinking i wish i was there.
    Close the courtains.
    sit down on your bed
    lie down
    Take the sheets and put it across your body holding it firmly as it was a person.
    Trying too find some comfort too take your pain away.
    Looking at your phone seeing if somebody who you care about has ringed and you maybe missed it or a nice txt.
    But no nobody called or txt.
    You lay it next too your head.
    You turn off the light.
    You lay there in the dark of the night
    Thinking when is your wish gonna be granted.
    Hoping there is no tomorrow
    And yet there is another day again.
    Thats life.
    Some people have it rough some have it easy.
    Some people cant cry.
    I cry becouse i can cry of music.
    Music sets me free.
    Music releases all the pain hurt and sorrow i feel every night i go too bed.
    Music is evrything i have.
    Its the only thing i feel understands me
    I read in the bible that family is all you have that matters.
    What if family is causing the hurt.
    If its the most important thing you have.
    Why dont they see you as important?
    i dont see why.

    if you know tips or tricks too make my life more endurable or anything else.
    Anything helps.

    ty in advance
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and thanks for sharing with us... many of us have family who have caused us conflicts and it is difficult when the ones who should love you are the source of such pain...I hope you continue to share with us and let us know what is going on...welcome and big hugs, J
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi dwbm....I understand what you're saying.....It's the ones we love that have the ability to hurt us the most....My family was always the most important thing ..I believe they take us for granted....
    I don't have any advice but wanted you to know you're not alone with this...
  4. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    thnx. for your reactions

    i just dunno what too do anymore ya know.
    My family is evrything that is dear too me but i just dont see hope anymore.
    I mean if you know its never gonna be ok.
    Cause people just do not wanna change what then :(
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm always being told i can''t change others so I have to change myself (I'm in therapy)...still I understand it's hard when you feel rejected by the ones you love....I'm trying as hard as I can to find a life without them ...sometimes I get mad about them all treating me this way and that empowers me to do positive things for myself...which helps...
    do you do nice things for yourself?
  6. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    i dont really do nice things anymore.
    Ill try and explain it at a later date i still gotta think how i can tell my story without triggering people :(
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    when you're ready
    you could maybe put triggering on a new thread topic to warn people not to read if they're worried..
  8. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    ye the last thing i want is people too get more sad becouse of me ;(*
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi DWBM and welcome to SF. Sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time in your life. It sounds like you're really struggling with your depression. Just getting up and making it through the day is a difficult task. You write really well. Are you only 14? Do you hang out with friends after school? Maybe some extra-curricular activities might be fun?
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    that was beautifully written. i could relate to so much of what you wrote. i live for music too. sometimes it's my only comfort. just wanted to let you know i heard you....
  11. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    ty dazzle it means alot too me :)
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