Hello forum. I've got one of those thoughts. Firstly, I do not want responses telling me to seek help from my family, doctors, therapists, etc. This has all happened before. I did not ask for input on the internet just to be told to go seek input from someone qualified to give that to me. No, there is a reason I am speaking here and not with there. CBT has proven to be a truly useless method for me, and I'm not too keen on the idea of using happy pills as an efficient coping mechanism. No, I don't want the opinions of people who're following some therapeutic agenda to persuade me that my thoughts are lies, though I understand that could very well be the case. I try to be a very logical person. I can only be persuaded with a logical argument by someone with something more original than "No don't do it please think of your family nobody's life is worthless arf snarf think of jesus". Secondly, I'm a little confused about the rules for this forum and how it pertains to what I'm about to write. I'm not writing sad paragraphs in hope someone will take pity on me and give me some sort of validation to ask for medical help. I'm only writing about the decision I've made and why, because I'd rather reach out and have the opinions of others rather than just asserting that I'm right because I think I am. I feel that's important, especially on a topic like this. So. I feel this world is no longer fit for me to live in. Continuing to live is something I have to do, not something I have any interest in. From a moral standpoint, I must continue to live for the sake of others. Obviously, my family will miss me, and it will hurt them for a while. From what I'm seeing, the general consensus on suicide is that it is selfish. While I don't disagree, that has absolutely no impact on my decision. Naturally, I'm a very self-oriented person. If I can't live my life the way I like, and if attempting to do so is causing others grief, then it's just as selfish as the grief I'd cause by ending it. Killing oneself is objectively immoral, but in comparison to the decision to continue my own, there's a lot of other factors to consider. I have a very accurate perception of reality. I try to be a very logical person. I've spent a long time weighing these factors and I've come to the conclusion that reality just isn't my cup of tea. Minor surges of dopamine here or there just aren't worth the stress on my brain and my body. I had told myself to wait before, when I was really hurt. I told myself if I waited, maybe things would get better. And they did. I've done this a few dozen times throughout my life and I've come to the harsh realization that this is just how it's going to be. I will have to endure pain just to experience joy, and I will have to repeat this process over and over again. And while there are things that truly make me happy, it's not worth it to get to them anymore, and trying to focus my life around those happy things is hurting the people around me. Reality just isn't a place I'd like to exist in. I spent a few decades checking it out, I gave it a good try. Sure there are outlets, but none of them are permanent (Well, except, you know- a joke.). I've been trying to escape reality through those outlets for a long, long time now. But now I've gotten to the age where I just can't do that anymore. So with that in mind, I've decided to tip my hat and check out. I did a pretty good job of getting this far, but I passed my stop months ago and staying on the bus is only making things worse for everybody. The way I'd like to live doesn't fit within the real world. I don't think it's anyone's fault, though I'm a little upset that it has to be this way. But I'm not sad anymore. I used to get really choked-up about ending my own life, but now, not so much. I actually feel very relieved. I feel like there's this huge weight is being lifted. I feel like I can truly enjoy the time I have left. I would much rather my life end to save some else's, but I can't go looking for people to meatshield deliberately. I still have some time, so I'm open to the possibility of it happening by chance. I figure I should, in some way, leave my mark on the planet. I was thinking about starting a blog and posting things every day (since this forum has rules I don't want to break), just as something for me to focus on for a while. I still have my art, and I still have my mind. I figure I should do something with the combination of those two. This blog won't be a reach out for help, though I am open to conversation. But I sure as hell would spend a few hours looking at some stranger's suicide journal and delving into their fucked-up psyche, and I'm sure someone else would too. Seems like a pretty nifty thing to do, and it kills time. Of course, I'll also have to get everything organized. I don't want to leave my things a mess for everyone to have to sort through. I have to buy a couple things and pay off a small loan too, so I'll have to find a job to do. Oh, and I wanted to pick up the violin again. Something about playing it now just seems hilarious. I think the rules say I'm not allowed to state a method, so I'll respectfully keep that to myself. But do know that it is not something spontaneous or impulsive. I'll be sticking around a while, so telling me to wait means nothing, since that's already what I'm doing given the method I've chosen. And while I can't state it, I find this method very fitting, although it bothers me to think I wouldn't be here if I had realized it sooner. Like I said, I've got time, I'll be here a little while, so I'm open to discussion. I've yet to meet anyone who rationalizes suicide in the same way I do, and the only one I know of is too dead to talk with, so it would be interesting to see if someone else shares my thought process. I don't much care for pity, but I do appreciate interest, and it would be nice to hear from someone who does think in the same way, since it's hard to talk about it to myself. EDIT: Immediately after posting this, a nice gentleman offered me an insane amount of money to check on his cats. While it isn't nearly the amount of money I need, the timing feels a little spooky. Ooo.