Ending it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by KeithParadigm, Mar 23, 2007.

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  1. KeithParadigm

    KeithParadigm New Member


    1. In the past year I have moved to Tennessee to go to rehab. I've been in over 10 half-way houses, all of which I hated. I hate living here.

    2. I have made no friends in the past year. I cannot "Feel" relationships anymore and not even my friends back in jersey or loved ones can comfort me. Most of them won't take my calls.

    3. Constant suicidal thoughts.

    4. I'm on 3 antidepressants which only prevent me from IMMEDIATELY killing myself.

    I have tried previously three times with near-fatal overdoses.

    I just don't care anymore. It's as if when people try to help, they may as well have the value of thin air. I cry everyday uncontrollably and curl up in a ball. The anguish has left me in daily agony. Nothing makes me happy, even playing my guitar, which I used to love.

    I have no goals and have been in a nervous breakdown state for about a year now. I've been hospitalized over 20 times in 3 years, and 3 times for the attempts. I feel hopeless and utterly alone; an aimless wanderer with no purpose.

    I won't OD if I try again. Most likely I will [do something that is instantaneous]. I don't care about it anymore. Everyday is pain, which is unrelenting. I have to abuse drugs just to get the thoughts in my head from becoming active attempts. I have no one. Everyone is dead to me. This time might be the last...I don't know how much of this I can take. Medically, there is NOTHING anybody can do anymore, everything has been tried. Counceling is nice, although years of it hasn't gotten me that far. Hospitalization only extends my pain, and then I have to end up relocating (AGAIN) which is intolerably stressful, esp. because I've done it SO SO SO many times this year. I feel destined to take my own life. I can't think of anything I really can do for my future. Working makes me depressed, people make me depressed. Consciousness makes me depressed. It never lets up.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I want to :welcome: you to SF. Thank you for taking the time share with us. I am sorry you have reached this point in your life where you feel everything is completely hopeless. I hope you are able to find a reason to try to stay here. Keep posting here. Maybe we can help you find something at least. Take care.
  3. Fnord

    Fnord Member

    Sounds like some tough times (understatement, huh?), and the moving around must be really stressful on top of that.

    I play guitar too, what kind do you have? I've got a nice BC Rich Warlock and a Fender Acoustic. I had a hard time playing when I was depressed too. Hell, I let my strings rust away for about about 5 years..
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