endless circle

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by dysh, Nov 29, 2010.

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  1. dysh

    dysh New Member

    I am just crying because I had a little fight with my boyfriend ... why? because I once again started to pity myself, my past, my life. And by making a big deal of my life and how bad it is I think I disappointed him. But of course everything is in my head only. My rational part of brain knows he loves me and I am not a disappointment .... but then my irrational part of brain always wins. And once again I feel worse and start to pity myself again and the vicious circle starts again.

    I am writing in a very bad state so sorry for my grammar ... but I scratched my hands until it started to hurt really bad. I used to cut myself and if he was not in the same room now I would cut myself again .. for the first time in 5 years.

    I dont want to lose my bf, because he is the best person I have ever met. And I know I am losing myself by arguing with him about things he can not understand because I never told him about my past, and he is not to be blamed. He always treats me the best.

    I wonder what is wrong with me .. but if I lose him now ...I wont survive.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    couples counseling might be good.

    if you need some reassurance, maybe you could just ask him to hold you and tell you that he loves you!

    I hope that you feel better soon!

    :) :hug:
  3. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You need to be honest with him. Especially about whatever it was happened in the past. He can't be expected to understand your illness unless you're as truthful as you can be.
    The whole cycle of 'self pitying' (I don't like calling it that because it's not self pitying really) is part of the illness. It's a negative pattern of behaviour and you can learn not to do it. It will take awhile though and you'll need support.
    I used to do it all the time and it drove my husband mad. We eventually developed a sort of 'shorthand' where I'd start feeling sorry for myself and he'd nip it in the bud before it really got going.
    The first step to changing that behaviour is recognising that you do it, and since you've already done that, you've made a good start.
    Remember that knowledge is power and the more you and your boyfriend learn about your illness, the better prepared both of you will be to deal with it.
    I've been married for over 20 years now and part of the reason I've managed to hang onto my marriage is because both my husband and I learnt as much as we could about my illness and we were both (sometimes brutally) honest with each other.
    You sound like you've got a lovely partner. I hope it all works out for you xxxx
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