Hi, I'm new here and I've been sitting here for almost 5 hours trying to explain how I feel. Since I was a small child I have kept many things secret, building up years of guilt, shame and hurt and never confiding in somebody I trust or seeking professional help. I have felt suicidal many times before but I always felt able to deal with it relatively well on my own. In December last year I had a lot going on, I lost my job, closely followed by my boyfriend and very nearly my home. I felt worthless, useless, a failure, I always felt like I was never good enough and these events only confirmed my feelings. I lost all stability, routine and support. Everytime I feel a little better about myself or about living it quickly gets taken over by a new fear, anxiety or worry. Everytime I feel as though I am improving, I fall back into this cycle of tears, horrible thoughts and intentions. I'm so incredibly lonely. I feel frightened and isolated. I've got the point where I genuinely believe I cannot come back from this. It's happened too many times where I've began to feel optimistic for a day, a week, a year, only to end up here again and it breaks my heart everytime.