Endless cycle

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Slinky, May 27, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Slinky

    Slinky Guest

    Hi, I'm new here and I've been sitting here for almost 5 hours trying to explain how I feel. Since I was a small child I have kept many things secret, building up years of guilt, shame and hurt and never confiding in somebody I trust or seeking professional help. I have felt suicidal many times before but I always felt able to deal with it relatively well on my own. In December last year I had a lot going on, I lost my job, closely followed by my boyfriend and very nearly my home. I felt worthless, useless, a failure, I always felt like I was never good enough and these events only confirmed my feelings. I lost all stability, routine and support. Everytime I feel a little better about myself or about living it quickly gets taken over by a new fear, anxiety or worry. Everytime I feel as though I am improving, I fall back into this cycle of tears, horrible thoughts and intentions. I'm so incredibly lonely. I feel frightened and isolated. I've got the point where I genuinely believe I cannot come back from this. It's happened too many times where I've began to feel optimistic for a day, a week, a year, only to end up here again and it breaks my heart everytime.
  2. Slinky

    Slinky Guest

    I wish someone had replied so I wouldn't feel quite so pathetic bumping this.
  3. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    You have secrets. Maybe, you should keep a diary in a safe place. Could be theraputic for such a heavy load.
  4. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    It's hard to give a good reply to this because a lot of what you said is in general terms as opposed to specifics. Could you share more about who you are and what kind of things happened and your current situation? It's up to you if you do or don't want to but you may find people here in the exact situation depending on your situation. They are in a position to give more support and help if they know they can relate.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Keeping a journal is a good idea.. It helps you to get the thoughts out of your head and down on paper..You aren't alone when it comes to feeling lonely..Have you tried therapy?? They can teach you coping skills and how not to discount your positive thoughts..I have been seeing mine for four years and she has helped me alot..
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I know what it is like to loose my confidence and feel like I cannot do anything...it stinks...you mentioned professional help...maybe this is the time to seek assistance...we are not meant to go it alone...also, keep posting and letting us know how you are...big hugs, J
  7. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    :hug: firstly welcome to SF :)

    Lonliness and isolation are never easy to deal with and when you are feeling low anyway it compounds those feelings... Talking to other people whether it be here and/or to a professional may help you to feel more supported?... I hope that you are having a better day - let us know how you're doing :)

  8. Slinky

    Slinky Guest

    It was pretty vague, I'm not good at doing this kind of thing & I didn't want to ramble on for ages. Long story very short: If I could start my life from scratch as a different person, I would drop everything I have now and I'd do it. It's been a mix of abuse, bullying, alcohol and drug problems, self harm, anxiety and low self esteem. There have been good times but it's a bit like watching a really bad movie that only has a couple good scenes.

    I tried keeping a diary once but I felt ridiculous reading through what I'd written and I didn't really stick to it but I write things down now and again and it does feel good to get things off my chest, even if nobody hears/reads it.

    I haven't had any sort of professional help or therapy. It's all down to me why I haven't. I struggle talking to people about many things. I'm scared of opening up. It's easy enough to sit and type away at my computer where I can really think about and proof read what I've written & go to sleep as soon as I hit submit and switch it all off until tomorrow but the idea of saying these things sitting face to face with somebody scares me, a lot.

    At the moment, I'm not good about how I feel but I'm trying to enjoy the fact I don't have to worry about anything until Monday.

    Thankyou for taking the time to read and reply, I really appreciate every one of them. :biggrin:
  9. tendenCs_89

    tendenCs_89 Well-Known Member

    Even though I get the impression I like quite a different kind of life to you I can really relate to what you say regarding lonliness and feelings of low self-esteem and hoplesness (and especially the bad movie metaphor :) )
    Even the title - "Endless cycle" is a better way than I could think of for describing my life.

    Id say a VAST majority of the people here on SF feel the same way as you do, and the problems you described (abuse, self-harm, low self-esteem etc) are shared by a crazy amount of people here. So even though you feel like it YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

    You can get great things out of this site, so my advice would be to keep posting, trying hard to explain more and more of your problems, perhaps in the more specific areas of the forum.

    As for advice on how to feel better: I doubt very much you are a failure and hopeless as few people truly are, and i think that if you analyse your life logically youll be able to see that you arent. But its all very well telling yourself to feel good but it doesnt actually achieve it in my experience. Like joseph said therapy can help you feel better (although in my case it hasnt), but general uplifting things, like pursuing what you enjoy and find fulfilling and getting help and support from family/friends etc can help a lot.

    Things like boyfriends and jobs come and go, and just because you lose them doesnt mean your life is over or your a failure in any way. Although of course losing them at the same time can be extremely tough and its only natural to doubt yourself.

    Ill bring my epic essay to a finish :D
    In short, try and find the positives in life and work to those, seek help from loved ones, and realise your not alone, that its natural to feel so low because of whats happened and realise you can turn things round. It is possible :)

    All the best
  10. Slinky

    Slinky Guest

    Everytime I read 'Endless Cycle' now all I can think about is laundry.

    There are lots of people feeling the same way here, especially because it's reserved for one topic. Reading through some of the threads they could all be written by the same person. Hundreds of people must feel like this at some point in their life so I know I'm not alone in that sense.

    How I view myself and what I think about myself - I don't think that way about anybody else in this world. I know it's not logical, I know why I feel like this but it's difficult to explain why I can't stop. It's like being taught that 2+2=3 when I need to relearn it the right way, I can't because all I've known is the other way, that's what I was taught and what I've believed for so long until I learnt it was wrong.

    I try to do as many things as possible that I enjoy, mainly to fill the void of little work and when it feels there are too many hours in the day, but I do enjoy it.

    I know those things come and go but it was difficult. I found out a week in advance that I would be out a job three days before Christmas. I know it's not the most important thing but two incomes turned to one when I lost my job then to none when he left. I don't think I've ever cried so much over a holiday in my life, but it's gone now. It's fine.

    Thankyou for all your help and I think I'm going to have to watch Fight Club now.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.