Endless depression cycles, suicidal ideation. I want relief.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by robinready, Mar 21, 2016.

  1. robinready

    robinready New Member

    I have more than most, a loving relationship, nice pets, and a nice apartment in a beautiful city, but I always come back to this debilitating depression. I can't even walk out the door to go buy paper towels and dish soap.

    I feel hopeless, unable to change focus from all of the pending threats in my life, inevitable death of loved ones, losing money, having to always work and never being able to catch up or earn enough stability to have children, in hopes of having someone and something bigger than myself to live for and to see something beautiful, and focus on passing on the good things I've learned and value in myself.

    I'm unable to forgive my dysfunctional upbringing, my mother who made me take care of her in alcoholism and drug abuse, who even after 15 years clean, struggles financially and in loneliness and illness, putting weight on me as the only one to care for her. I'm unable to forgive my younger brother, who I thought my best friend in our shared experience of surviving our dysfunctional family, but who instead has turned into a sociopath and narcissist, who cut me out of his life without empathy or explanation.

    I feel myself in post trauma, and tread so carefully in the friendships I've made as an adult, but know I cannot help but come off as needy, or sensitive, or smothering. I can only distract myself from my own suicidal ideations by throwing myself into helping others with resumes and job searches, listening and advising to their stories, which seem so trivial in comparison to mine, but I feel some minor relief in pretending that my problems are that small and solvable...i feel some minor relief in pretending that I'm valuable to somebody, even if they just are using me for help now, and have no real interest in having an deeper friendship with me.

    I feel such anxiety not knowing if I'm hated. or if people harbor resentment toward me for something I've done and am not aware of.... I'm so depressed. I'm so sad. I don't want to burden the few loved ones I have. I can't bare to see happy families who have vacations, and peers who visit their home towns and post images of dinners and respect and memories between siblings.

    I can't even connect with others who suffer from depression, because theirs seem entirely biological or chemically-based. They cycle through doctors and medication and I cannot relate because there do not seem to be any real events they can list as long and terrible as mine. I've tried medication, was misdiagnosed as several contrasting disorders by different doctors who didn't even attempt talk therapy, or to learn about my life. They just asked 10 questions and dolled out the meds, which caused me to have hives, wet the bed while I slept, made me feel like I was having seizures, and other unnatural experiences. I KNOW the only thing I would be interested in is talk therapy, but the thought of trying to leave the house to meet so many disappointing mismatched therapists until I find one I can trust and respect seems impossible. I feel tortured.

    I can't take this anymore. Life is full of disappointment and empty gestures, of unreciprocated love, and disrespect and dispiriting of women as they are, and as they age. It seems like there's no hope or anything to look forward to. I've made it to my 30s... I thought I just had experiential trauma from all of the dysfunctional family relationships growing up, I thought I would outgrow this as a teenager, as a college student under high stress, as an adult considering children and a future...but I didn't. I'll always feel this way. I'll always want to die.
  2. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Hang in there. You are going through a phase that seems dark right now. I too struggle with some of these issues yet I have to look back and say I survived before, I will survive again.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I know you are hurting but please from the bottom of my heart hang in there. We are here for you. Please stay strong. I can give empathy as the pain you feel is similar to what I feel. I have survived and so you can do so.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I feel like I could relate to a lot of what you wrote actually...
    I'm sorry for everything that happened to you, and for the state it left you in. It's very likely you have PTSD. And I'm sorry you had to go through those things.

    Have you considered or tried DBT? I've done it once before some years ago and I felt it helped me a bit... I am waiting to start it up again. For me I find it's good to work on my own coping mechanisms and how my brain handles triggering situations or memories and flashes of my childhood...

    Don'g give up hun *hugs*
  5. robinready

    robinready New Member

    Thank you so much for kind responses. I remember when I wrote this I was disheartened when I checked back and didn't see anything. Now months later, I am back in a very low point with daily ideations and inability to get anything done. I reached out for help finally, and I was able to get a list of therapists.
    I guess as I begin to approach this overwhelming task of calling one - seriously, even a phone call is impossible to me... I just want to know if anyone has any opinions on whether I should go for psychologists or lcsws. The former terrifies me because I don't want to be put on medication and discarded as a statistic. And the later scares me because I feel there are so many unqualified holistic "life coach" - esque therapists preying on desperate. I do believe in holistic and progressive, dare I say spiritual, ideas, only because they seem to honor compassion and community, but I also value research and education.
    I guess I'm just feeling paralyzed again. Any help would be appreciated.
  6. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    Hi Robin, I'm sorry you didn't get a quicker response, sometimes posts get buried or overlooked. A psychologist and lcsw both have education, training, and are required to be licensed to practice so they both would be technically qualified. A psychologist has a longer period of education to earn a doctorate while an lcsw requires a master's degree. A psychologist is not a medical doctor, so they can't pescribe you medication, that is what a psychiatrist is qualified to do. Confusing, I know. :) Here's an article with more details. http://lifehacker.com/5874359/how-do-i-select-a-therapist-or-counselor

    So both are qualified but you have to see if it feels like a good fit, that you feel like you can build a trusting collaboration and open up over time. Email/call them first and ask whether they have experience, can help you with your concerns, what type of therapy, techniques they use, and make a decision from that. Good job in getting help and good luck!