endless hatred & anger

[non_existence]

For a while now I've changed my life around to reduce distractions & non-essential stimulation. This causes me to sit & face myself a lot, what I'm finding is an endless supply of hatred & anger coming out. Every few minutes my entire body sort of twists & squirms under this intense feeling of a messed-up emotion that we don't have a word for; i don't know what to call it, but the closest description is a union of hatred/anger with something else I can't describe. It just keeps coming back over and over again, forever, it feels like i'm in a screwed-up state 100% of the time though, and every few minutes it just explodes, but it's habitually repressed. Sometimes my head will start to hurt from all of this, but i endure all of it.

 

[Jess]

Hey Non.

Wow, I can kinda relate with what you said. Facing yourself, when you feel bad as it is.. usually ends up with some form of self hatred.. kinda why a lot of people suffering from depression self harm. That and the fact that it's a hell of a lot easier to deal with physical pain inflicted by yourself than emotional from someone else.. but anyways. While taking away distractions can have good things that come from it. I think it's good to have some distractions. some things that are just fun, that you enjoy.. kinda give yourself a break from having to think about all that makes you feel horrible.

I'm not sure if I'm getting the point right here or not. But I can honestly say that I relate with the anger and hatred at some points.. more often recently at least.

:hug: if you get nothing else from tthis thread let you see the fact that I can relate and I'm here to talk if you need/want to. pm's are always there :hug: take care and stay safe

Jess

 

[tabby]

For a while now I've changed my life around to reduce distractions & non-essential stimulation. This causes me to sit & face myself a lot, what I'm finding is an endless supply of hatred & anger coming out. Every few minutes my entire body sort of twists & squirms under this intense feeling of a messed-up emotion that we don't have a word for; i don't know what to call it, but the closest description is a union of hatred/anger with something else I can't describe. It just keeps coming back over and over again, forever, it feels like i'm in a screwed-up state 100% of the time though, and every few minutes it just explodes, but it's habitually repressed. Sometimes my head will start to hurt from all of this, but i endure all of it.

I totally feel that. I wish I could somehow let go of it all. My emotions even haunts me in my dreams when I sleep. But I didn't know you had these feelings too, I thought you would be the kind who can find peace from what I can see from your posts.

 

[non_existence]

I thought you would be the kind who can find peace from what I can see from your posts.

Sometimes I get peace, but not all the time. Mostly when I sit in meditation for a few hours I get into a state of bliss, but that takes effort & time.
Sometimes during the day I'll have brief moments of just 'letting go' and feel good, but my default state is being tormented by all these ugly emotions trapped within my body & consciousness somehow. They surprise me, and new emotions coming up surprise me all the time. Human consciousness is a very complex thing.