I'm 17. Since I was 14 or so I have not gone a single day without thinking about suicide in one aspect another. Sometimes it trends in a comical sort of tête à tête with myself, other times I am grateful my gun isn't loaded or I'm not standing on a bridge because I don't know if I would stop; step back. Typically though it is a medium in there. It terrifies me. Nothing has ever come close to such feelings of terror, the thoughts that I have. I'm an over-analytic person so I sit there and I run through so much information that overwhelms me. Mathematics, ethics, philosophy and law fail consistently to really twist me up but this sessions of thinking about myself, my life, those around me, and so much more I succumb to so quickly. Over the past year or so these have become specific thoughts on suicide methods. I have ideas, thoughts, full-blown concepts on it. In the past week twice I sat with the most recent and arguably most concrete idea yet and almost ran with it. After the fact, I am terrified of how I could have been so close. What makes it so much, much worse is what if it doesn't get better fast enough, what if that after-the-fact terror never occurs because I act, what-if. Admittedly the concept I've "set on" is complex enough to go wrong, or perhaps in fact right because I'd fail. Failure is idyllic. It is the option. I keep getting into thinking that the most sure-fire way to communicate the issues I'm dealing with and ensuring I am taken to the absolute level of seriousness is to make a serious attempt, but fail. That's crap because it's a catch-22. First off, it isn't realistic to expect that to be the chief option. Adding on to that it isn't realistic to think that if you are going to make a serious attempt, you will fail without much consequence. What if, for once in the longest of times, I was successful in something of such magnitude. The outcomes and scenarios are so vastly unpredictable. But because of my ever-analytic mind, we must try to identify all scenarios, all options. Perhaps if it was during this time of day, or at this location, or if this were done prior. It's conditionally bullshit, pardon the bluntness. These ideas have become so developed that when, recently, they pop into my mind I become so enveloped and overwhelmed. I am almost reduced to tears, I can't breathe, and I can't stop thinking about it. And I'm confident everyone notices. This is partially to blame twice in the past 3 days this has occurred in the middle of class. I'm an extraordinarily private person, I'd damn-near die if I had any sort of break down publicly, ironically enough. With all these terrible, terrible thoughts some counterparts present themselves. Another persistent thought is the idea that getting better is not impossible, and that perhaps at any moment I could ask a teacher to run to my locker, go the bathroom, whatever and head straight to the counselor's office and ask something like, "Hey, uh, what would you say would be the options for someone seeking mental help. Like, for depression and suicidal thoughts?" Equally there are the thoughts of no response, and in any event no such scenario has occurred, but I digress. I still have no idea what to do.