Endless Thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NathanH, Jan 12, 2012.

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  1. NathanH

    NathanH Well-Known Member

    I'm 17. Since I was 14 or so I have not gone a single day without thinking about suicide in one aspect another. Sometimes it trends in a comical sort of tête à tête with myself, other times I am grateful my gun isn't loaded or I'm not standing on a bridge because I don't know if I would stop; step back. Typically though it is a medium in there.

    It terrifies me. Nothing has ever come close to such feelings of terror, the thoughts that I have. I'm an over-analytic person so I sit there and I run through so much information that overwhelms me. Mathematics, ethics, philosophy and law fail consistently to really twist me up but this sessions of thinking about myself, my life, those around me, and so much more I succumb to so quickly. Over the past year or so these have become specific thoughts on suicide methods. I have ideas, thoughts, full-blown concepts on it. In the past week twice I sat with the most recent and arguably most concrete idea yet and almost ran with it. After the fact, I am terrified of how I could have been so close. What makes it so much, much worse is what if it doesn't get better fast enough, what if that after-the-fact terror never occurs because I act, what-if. Admittedly the concept I've "set on" is complex enough to go wrong, or perhaps in fact right because I'd fail.

    Failure is idyllic. It is the option. I keep getting into thinking that the most sure-fire way to communicate the issues I'm dealing with and ensuring I am taken to the absolute level of seriousness is to make a serious attempt, but fail. That's crap because it's a catch-22. First off, it isn't realistic to expect that to be the chief option. Adding on to that it isn't realistic to think that if you are going to make a serious attempt, you will fail without much consequence. What if, for once in the longest of times, I was successful in something of such magnitude. The outcomes and scenarios are so vastly unpredictable. But because of my ever-analytic mind, we must try to identify all scenarios, all options. Perhaps if it was during this time of day, or at this location, or if this were done prior. It's conditionally bullshit, pardon the bluntness.

    These ideas have become so developed that when, recently, they pop into my mind I become so enveloped and overwhelmed. I am almost reduced to tears, I can't breathe, and I can't stop thinking about it. And I'm confident everyone notices. This is partially to blame twice in the past 3 days this has occurred in the middle of class. I'm an extraordinarily private person, I'd damn-near die if I had any sort of break down publicly, ironically enough.

    With all these terrible, terrible thoughts some counterparts present themselves. Another persistent thought is the idea that getting better is not impossible, and that perhaps at any moment I could ask a teacher to run to my locker, go the bathroom, whatever and head straight to the counselor's office and ask something like, "Hey, uh, what would you say would be the options for someone seeking mental help. Like, for depression and suicidal thoughts?" Equally there are the thoughts of no response, and in any event no such scenario has occurred, but I digress. I still have no idea what to do.
  2. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Hello again.

    No. That is not a viable option. You can very easily come away from something like that with long term life altering disability. If you want help, the best way to get it is to go to the people that are capable of providing it and telling them exactly, specifically, and clearly how you feel. The goal here is to redirect your thought process to positive ends, to try for a reasonably contented and livable future for yourself. Damaging your body as a means to an end is not a road you want to go down.

    Certainly, you could do that. You could also visit a walk-in clinic to speak to a general practitioner. You could call crisis line (1-800-273-TALK in the USA, toll free 24/7) to ask for guidance specific to your geographical area. If you find yourself in immediate distress and need help NOW, you can always go to a hospital emergency room. All hospitals have emergency mental health units available for this purpose.

    There are many options available. Just please, stay safe.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2012
  3. NathanH

    NathanH Well-Known Member

    Yeah I mostly agree with that and understand that, but the thoughts I mentioned are so inescapable it seems. I'm a pretty paranoid person and one of my largest fears is to be wrong or seen as wrong, so I somewhat naturally am drawn to extreme measures to avoid this. Like I said I understand that it is a bullshit thought and doesn't make any sense but I can't shake the thought pattern, and this terrifies me.

    One of the most sacred, if you will, of things in my life is my thoughts and mind. It is probably one of the key reasons behind why I have not taken up drinking or drugs, the thought of losing any cognitive ability even temporarily and for any sort of relief scares me to hell. Plus those habits are unhealthy anyway. It goes both ways thought because any medication I might someday be offered to help me could have effects like that, and that would terrify me. My state of mind is one of the few things I find absolute in my life.

    Incidentally though I often wish I would do it, and just be done. Getting help is great and all and I hope to try soon, but it isn't like *poof*. I'm still lacking any direction with what I'm doing with my life, I never have and continue not to care enough because I don't expect any sort of goals or hopes for the future to come close to realization. Oh, and somehow I'm supposed to graduate high school in a few months.

    I'm not sure I could go out of the way of normal operations to go to any sort of clinic or even an emergency room if I needed to, especially because I don't drive. Either way I'm hoping to do something, start somewhere. Thank you for your thoughts, suggestions, concerns, whatever they may be. It furthered how much it helped me to write this in many ways.
  4. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Friend, you sound like the most intelligent 17 year old I've ever encountered on the internet. You have so much potential to have so much good stuff happen to you. I hope you'll just take things one day at a time, as cliched as that sounds. Research medication, it might be good for you at this stage. Feel free to email me if you want to talk.
  5. NathanH

    NathanH Well-Known Member

    The Internet is a vast place, and furthering that there are a plethora of people around this age not on the Internet. Either way thanks hah. I'll try to take things slowly and day-by-day, it has done me some good in the past. I might look up some medication as it might help in a hopefully upcoming talk with some sort of practitioner. Also, I'll keep that offer in mind, thanks.
  6. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I waited until I was 18 to see a doctor, but you don't have to wait that long. Please make the initiative to go see one. Look online, in the yellow pages, or somewhere else and find a psychiatrist.
  7. NathanH

    NathanH Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure I could just do that. It's such a task for me to take any initiative to leave my normal routine and what not, I hate to break pattern because when I stick to what is normal for me I don't normally have worries because everything is calculated, almost fixed. I am, however, trying to get to the point of going to see the school counselor and asking them for documentation or assistance in finding help. Fortunately our school recently rehired their mental health specialist and I might be able to see her. Also, the town has a hospital and two clinics, although one is just a sleep clinic. Either way I'm browsing options, I just hope to get to the point where the will and want for help supersedes the aversion to being shot down and so on.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 14, 2012
  8. NathanH

    NathanH Well-Known Member

    I feel as if I either made the biggest step or biggest mistake today by asking for help; either way it was an important decision in what is next to come. Along the advise provided I visited my school counselor and asked her for information in seeking professional help. She asked questions about my issues involving suicide and decided to call my mother. My mother being who she is left work and pulled me out of school, took me home and then barraged me with questions I couldn't come up with ways to answer. I feel like things have been made invariably worse for myself because now things are so out of normal, and as I mentioned normal is where I find comfort. I fear leaving my room, and if someone asks me one more time how I am now feeling, I'm going to go thermonuclear.

    Admittedly it has only been a few hours. I've had little time to reflect and go through my typical analytically driven processes. Furthering that, I can't seem to really think about suicide. I thought about it in ways normally in which I get carried away but the entire topic seemed to disinterest my subconscious and it almost seemed dry; boring. I can't help but feel like my mind is trying to push back into the normal by keeping the thoughts distant so that everything could be normal again. Maybe I should be happy the thoughts are suppressed but it more terrifies me than anything, perhaps because it is hard to continue on with the conviction for help when I am having difficulties identifying myself the issues.
  9. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Asking for help is always a step in the right direction, never a mistake. As long as you let people know that you are struggling, they can always help. Although your mother may be overreacting a bit, I think it's because she has your best interest in mind. She doesn't want you to hurt yourself and she doesn't want to lose you. People are only asking how you feel because they want to make sure you aren't suicidal. That's good at least that you aren't having suicidal thoughts for the time being. You seem to be in a better place than you were in your first posting.
  10. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Your taking a step in the right direction by asking for help which isn't a mistake like what Christy was saying. It's hard sometimes to be open with people to admit that you are struggling but they'll help you when you do. I think your mother overreacted a little bit even though she didn't mean to do that. At least your here seeking for help and please continue to share your feelings and emotions with us. Because we care :hug:

  11. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    We won't prod and question here, we'll just listen to how you're feeling and give you advice. So I hope that you will feel comfortable when you post here.
  12. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Same continue to post if you feel led to do it. We won't force anything upon you stay strong! :hug:

  13. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    I am proud of you for having the courage to ask for help before you tried anything. My mother found out after the fact that I tried to suicide, that is a week or so after it happened. she too bombarded me with questions that i didn't know how to answer. it does get tiring always being asked questions, but know that she only cares and wants you to be open with your feelings with her so she can help. i would suggest starting a conversation with her before she asks how you are feeling (if you feel comfortable doing so). it will reassure her that you feel comfortable speaking with her and hopefully stop the many questions about how you are feeling.

    in the US, depending on which area of the country you live in, if you hint towards a plan to kill yourself they will have you committed for at least 48-72 hours, or until a psych can do an evaluation. it all depends on how much of a plan you have and the means and will to carry out that plan. this is not such a bad thing if you feel you get to that point, tell your school counselor. just be prepared for the consequences of being out of your normal zone for a while.

    hope this helps.
  14. NathanH

    NathanH Well-Known Member

    Today my mother brought me in to see a therapist and I guess that went alright, although in being honest here I fibbed a bit to her. Either way I'd still rather not be doing all of this and go back to the way things were but I've agreed to see her again next Monday. Hm.
  15. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear your counselor brought your mother into the situation so suddenly like that. My sympathies on the strong reaction she had. With family members, the ones who care anyway, there's no avoiding that I'm afraid. The bright side is she reacted that way because she clearly does care about you and wants to help. That is much preferable to the alternative, even if it can be both embarrassing and overbearing for you.

    Now about wanting to go back to normal, to the way things were before. Consider this: the way things were before was not healthy. You were suffering in silence and struggling to hide it from your family. Had you not set this series of events in motion, things would likely have continued to deteriorate for you. I say this because I know. It happened to me. It got worse and worse, my own home brew coping mechanisms becoming more extreme and harmful to my health with each passing year, the lies I told my family to hide all of it increasingly extensive. Better to get a handle on this now lest your find yourself pushing 30 and seeing your life fall apart before your eyes.

    Therapy may or may not be beneficial for you, but give it an honest try. Remember the reason you are there is to try to put your mind back together in a way that can give you some modicum of life quality in future.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 24, 2012
  16. That one guy

    That one guy Member

    Unrelated note: it makes me feel smarties dat i can understantz teh woreds yew say *derp* :3

    But more to the point. Your Problem stems from the simple fact that you think to much! don't get me wrong, Think is good. We all like thinking but there is a line in there. And with A mind set like yours its only a matter of time before throughts of dark and depressing nature begin to pop up. The way i see it you need something to take your mind off of issues like this, Try something Really really really REALLY repeditive but fun and enjoyable. Or something overly complex to take your mind from it. Try this. http://www.randomriddles.com/ riddle aslways help me. they take a lot of brain power to figure out taking your mind off other things.Every time you begin to over think of things like that just keep solving and trying at them. Something like Fenceing might also do you good. requiring you to think and focus, but challenge and exert yourself at the same time.

    I hope i could be of some help :3
  17. NathanH

    NathanH Well-Known Member

    I said that to the therapist and she seemed to agree, that I over think and over analyze things. I've always know that and have always been told that. My 1st grade teacher noted that I was carrying out "adult conversations" with her and other staff, to the tune of normal, non-1st grader items. Not just repetition but I understood what I was saying. Either way I've always been up there. In that I've had problems getting along with people my age.

    I think that could really help, having something to keep my mind occupied. I've bookmarked the riddles and will take a look at them. While the general idea sounds great, fencing specifically doesn't seem like my thing. Thanks for the suggestions and thoughts.
  18. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    At least you went to see a therapist. That's always a good thing - hopefully the therapist can help you. I tend to find stuff that distracts me from the thoughts that I am feeling which is typically video games and other type of physical activities such as running. Hope you continue to share your feelings with us and hope you feel better soon.

  19. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Yes, distractors are always a good thing. Just make sure they are a good kind of distraction.
  20. NathanH

    NathanH Well-Known Member

    Today I went in with the therapist for the second time. Nothing much to note except as sort-of required she laid out a diagnosis of dysthymia, and briefly talked about considering talking to a doctor of medication may help. Otherwise there was a lot of talking for an hour.

    Overall it was good and I've scheduled again in two weeks time.
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