~~Though I may be in the wrong place, there simply may not be a place for me. That said, If this post needs to move or whatever, I have no problem with that. I am a creature that lives on the edge of society, watching. I am not sure what it is that I am looking for, but still I watch. Like a child, rejected from a group of friends, watches said friends play together. Are you picturing the stereotypical person pressing against the fence for a better view? Hmm. ~~I watch, analyze, wonder... but I cannot join in. Actually, that's not quite true. I DO join into society, in all of its 'acceptable' forms. I join in, but do not participate. It is a ruse; a facade; a false front. I am not true to my nature when I deal with others. That is most likely because I cannot understand my own nature. ~~I love. I hate. I want to help, I want to hurt. What separates me from you, however, is that I feel all of this at the same time. How is it possible to feel deep, yearning love, and absolute hate and disgust over the same thing? I WANT to love, to help, to benefit mankind, but I also want to hurt, to destroy, to rebel against goodwill. How is it that I can look at a man that I have known for a long time, and love them, trust them, respect them, and fantasize about 9 different ways to kill/mangle their body with whatever happens to be nearby? (A pen-cap, for instance) I do not act on this, but then, I do not act on my goodwill, either. ~~My life, my mind, my soul- it is a paradox. Nothing but conflictions. I know that I can do so much, that I can be so much... but it is in either direction. I could be the man that cures cancer- or the next serial killer. So, I have adopted a life of distance- I follow neither path, as any attempt to follow one path leads to self-hate and depression brought on by the other path. My emotions are muted, my actions aren't real- I force myself into whatever role society would have me fulfill. Now it is hard to tell if what I think is genuine or not. When I laugh, do I do so because something's funny? Or, have I become so good at tricking people into believing I am what I appear to be, that I have begun to trick myself? ~~~~If this post does not belong, so be it. I'm sure the admin will stop it long before it's posted, if that be the case. I do not know what I am looking for. I just know that I look deep into a swirling vortex, where answers, and reality, blurs.