Endurance limits

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Axiom, Oct 12, 2010.

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  1. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    does anyone know what I mean. Mine are getting progressivly shorter and shorter, to the point now that I have to bounce to another train of thought because my limits are .. i dont know actaully. I dont know what im trying to say but i feel its one of those things i know about but never think about. Thats why im writing it. things are getting worse, and I need to understand them to overcome my issues. Im becoming worried about myself, im having trouble fending off my end. Its cropping up in every endurance limit in some way on a very small scale, and I know this is the beginning of a disaster for me.

    I guess Im actually asking for some help. for once. for those who face their limits, how do you .. i want to write more and more but i just tend to scare people off.. i dont want to end..
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Oh you hit the nail on the head. I feel what you're saying. I understand it. But I cant find a way to post it so that you see that I do. Sometimes I feel like I could write a frickin novel when I post. It feels like there arent enough words to really get it out there. To describe it. Yet in my head it's so easy. It's there. Too much so. It keeps pushing my buttons, testing my limits and makes me question just how much longer can I hold out?

    And I get scared. I want to tell. I want to describe it. But I know people will either be scared off or get bored. So much of it gets buried back down inside.

    "i dont want to end.." reading that I have to ask does the same apply to you as it does me? I dont want to end the words, it's like this driven demon to somehow get it out there so even one other person understands and gets that I cant. And I dont want to end. Me. I dont want to die. But the need to die is so strong. It really does appear as the last straw. My final endurance to my limits and pain.

    Post. Post. Post. Keep posting until you get it out and so that others can really understand and help you the best we can. Through it all, dont ever let go of the fact that you are not alone. You'd be surprised at how many do understand and are also questioning their limits how much more they can endure :arms:
  3. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    It's getting harder and harder for me to want anything. My idea of want is so flexable now, inorder to keep the idea of those things alive. If you understand what I mean. Just that, everything specific has been openly generalized to keep that want alive, because I cant reach my specifics, and because of the horrible limitations of the specifics.

    I try though, but ive fallen for things that I shouldnt have. Others lives other things are coming at me, and they are taking up moments with their issues. But I don't have that much energy for so many other issues, let alone my own. But im forgetting my own issues, forgetting myself. and im only able to hold onto myself through squeezing myself tighter and tighter, which results in my depth becoming shortened, my endurance becomeing weaker, my dreams becoming numbered.

    I burst from in a moment to keep all that I am alive going from beginning to the end, but all the flows that encompass me are becoming shorter in these bursts because I am closeing inward. Each time I do, i miss a little bit of before. It's almost like these moments of me are potentially the last moments of me.

    I turn on a song and I can re-live everything though. it's strange. And when I realize that nothing of me is ever lost,. i know that everything of me is still here, the positive, and the negative. And I hide more and more when I realize this because I can not endure to look at it. I fall from the sight, and fall to my knees, to pick myself up and stand on my feet, to be side swiped by some exteranl issue that i dont care about.

    right now I just want to melt. idlely. away from everyone.. and continue to search for my wonders that I refuse now to share with anyone. they rape them with their own ideas or whatever. Eventually my dreams will be used in someway to hurt me, even if not intentionally. Sometimes it's just used in a generalized passing, but my dreams are all that I have.

    from the outside to the inside of myself it takes alot of energy to walk back, to go from not caring to caring about every single thing. the things that pull me outside do more harm in the long run than in the moment.

    I hate when I feel like this. I feel different than when my original post, Ive had an argument, and inside I feel so closed and numb to everything. Im trying to write, im trying to listen to my music, but I still feel this horrible closed part of me. It's like my outside trying to find the words or keys to open myself up. And this frustrates me. Perhaps Im not looking at it the right way.

    Perhaps Im just fucking fustrated at failing in life and having these stupid inconsequential things attack me. Perhaps I am horrified at my failures and then hardned by the reminder of others pushing me back 10 steps from dealing with my failures.

    :( im bouncing around trying to get back to me i suppose. Blaming others blaming myself, falling down. All I want right now is to say how I feel but I dont want anything... so how am I suppose to say anything if I dont want anything. Stuck in limbo it feels like. Minor shock... i guess im confused at the moment.
    Unable to make a decision... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

    perhaps now isnt the best time to post. But this fucking wall is the worst thing for me. Id rather fly in the questions of life death existence than be stuck in this pathetic pos place I am in.

    I worry that when I open my eyes ill feel just me. Ive had an argument and I believe that this wall this safety net this self preservation is the result of that argument entirely, a auto responce to overcome to survive, and the only way for this to work is for me to close off to myself entirely, to protect my personal self. .. what a waste of time. Id rather want to die and want to live so I can grow or ultimatly fail than want nothing but to overcome. I feel like a tool right now.
    ty for responding itmahanh. my reply might be completely confusing compared to my first post.. im just in another place at the moment..
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