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engaged and confused

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by kayla19, Nov 28, 2008.

  1. kayla19

    kayla19 Well-Known Member

    so i am engaged but i've been having a lot of doubts lately. my relationship with him has never been easy and we've had our differences. he lost my trust awhile ago and i feel like he doesn't care to get it back or doesn't know how to. i know he's not up front with me about a lot of things that matter...including lying to me about smoking and being able to pay his half of the rent. i feel like i'm always a bitch to him now. like nothing he does is good enough for me. and that makes me feel awful. i've always told my friends that if you feel like you have to change someone in a relationship to make them what you want, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with that person. but anyway, so he and i are engaged. we are supposed to be getting married in like less than 6 months. almost everything has been reserved and deposits have been made. but i am absolutely terrified at the thought of marrying him. i have doubts that i could spend the rest of my life with him and i don't want to become another divorce statistic. i've known for awhile that i feel like i'm "settling" for him but decided that was fine. i've never been truly happy in my life before, why start now? i know he's not meeting my emotional or physical needs, and i think i'm starting to look for those elsewhere. so what does that mean, i marry him but i just end up cheating on him? i really don't know what to do. i love him and there are good times between us. but is that enough to make up for the doubts and feeling terrified? if i did decide to call it off, it would wreck my family, him, and his family. and we live together so i don't even know how the lease would work. neither of us can afford to live here alone. it's just the closer the wedding gets, the more depressed and freaked out i get. and i really don't think that's normal. i just feel so hopeless and i guess i'm just asking for any advice or anything that anybody can give me, although i think i might already know the answer...i just don't know if i'm strong enough to do it.
  2. Earn

    Earn Well-Known Member

    I think that you should rethink everything.Well im no expert on relationships I just know what makes me happy in one.

    If I was in your position and had a clear head,I would sit and think about everything.ok so if i read everything right.You don't trust him and hes been lying to you.you might feel like you have to change him to get what you want.you feel like your settling for him.your not happy.he doesn't meet your emotional or physical needs and you feel like your look elsewhere.

    any one of these are reason to me not to marry someone.but that is just me.I don't want to tell you what to do,just what I would do.I wouldn't marry them.

    So there might be a couple things you would have to work out if you didn't marry him.but those things can be solved in months time.marrying him knowing you have all those problems will affect you the whole time your with him.short of things changing on their own ,and without you forcing them to change (cause that will only make things worse).The things with your family,I think the most important thing is you being happy and family needs to recognize that.and so do you.your happiness is your most important thing you need to be focusing on.yea i know its self centered but isnt the only reason to marry someone is cause they make you the happiest person in the world and you want to be with them for the rest of your life?

    So the advice i would give is have confidence in what you choose to do.and listen to your heart.
  3. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    - Have a lot of doubts
    - Relationship never been easy
    - He lost your trust awhile ago
    - Lied to you about multiple things
    - Terrified at the thought of marrying him
    - Feel like your "settling" for him
    - Doesn't meet emotional or physical needs
    - Think you may just cheat on him when married
    - Closer wedding gets, more depressed you get

    To me, the decision seems obvious, don't marry him. If you do, seems like you just be more miserable.
  4. Rockster

    Rockster Guest

    well i have given you my opinion on this matter many of times but if you ever want another chat like this morning then feel free to text/call/email me
  5. This is kinda normal. I think you know this, though, so I'll not state the obvious.

    Stop right there. Let's not even go any further until we resolve this. If he doesn't care to, there isn't much you can do there. If he wants to, but doesn't know how, I am going to have to say that it is your job as part of making this relationship work (it does take two) to let him know what is wrong and, more importantly, what he can do to mend things. I would expect him to be attentive, but even the most attentive and sensitive men miss things. All I'm saying is, if he is genuinely concerned about helping, give him the tools to help. Don't wait for him to ask. We're stupid and try to figure things out on our own to fix things (roses, chocolates, things that are completely not meaningful most of the time).

    I really want you to sit him in front of this screen and let him read this part. He cannot expect to earn your trust if he cannot be forthright in small matters. Marriage is a big deal. If you are going to ask someone to spend the rest of their lives with you (major trust), you can't keep consistently breaking promises and all this other stuff that's super minor. If you're having hard financial times, then share them. If he can't be honest with that now, he won't be in six months. Point blank. Make a decision to either commit to this other person or not, but don't play games or lie. Okay, the rant for him is over.

    Sometimes we need that. We need to be kept in line and held accountable. Don't feel bad for that. Secretly, we like these things.

    That is probably just the fact that things aren't resolved. Since he hasn't fixed the big problem, the other things he does don't matter. I can understand that, but it doesn't make for healthy relationships. I really think you should try to get some kind of counseling or something. If you guys don't work out the things above, especially the trust thing, then there is little if any hope for a future between you two -- relationships don't exist without trust. At all.

    I suppose that is true in some ways, but in other ways, not so much. In my case, being in relationships has made me want to be more responsible with my money so I can buy things or have money for the future. It made me want to find my own place to live and not just coast along with whatever came along. Made me want to travel and see the world so I would have something to share. Changing in relationships isn't always bad. It can be a wonderful thing. By nature, as a single person, I usually think about and take care of myself. When I am in a relationship, I have to change because my world has a new person in it. I can't just live for myself; I have to live for someone else, too. That's not bad either. We can always stand to be a little less selfish (not saying you are, though).

    And? Money is not that important. Neither is status. Your family, your friends, the catering company and the place that you are using to get married do NOT have to live with this person for the rest of their lives. You do. If you had trust issues before you got engaged, then I don't think you should have gotten engaged before those issues were resolved. It's a waste of time because mistrust, by its very nature, destroys the foundation of the marriage before it even starts. You can't do this to yourself or to him. It's not good for or fair to either one of you.

    Then put that aside for now. Marriage isn't something I would postpone forever, but if you postpone it for another six months, no one will die. This I promise. You need to talk to him about these doubts you're having. If he wants this to work, then at first he'll be a bit upset, but try to make this work. If not, then at least you haven't wasted any more time than needed.

    Not meaning to insult you in any way, but... are you crazy?! Okay. For one, this man needs to be or become a person that you don't want to live without -- not just a person you live with. As for the last sentence, "why start now?! " Maybe because you don't have forever on earth to find happiness. Maybe because there is no reason you can't be happy now and then. Maybe because you deserve to smile in the sunlight. Maybe because God gives us life to enjoy and to enjoy Him with. I'm not saying that there won't be rain -- you've had your share -- but I am saying that it can't rain all the time. You may want to explore that possibility.

    I know you know all this, but does he know? Have you told him? Again, you can't expect him to develop psychic powers and just know things. If you are wanting this to work between him. At least give him the appropriate knowledge and then see what he does in applying it. You both have needs. If you are meeting his, then he should meet yours. Simple.

    Repeat a few comments earlier. Also, make sure to note those good times and hold them dear. They're wonderful treasures to pull from and look at when things aren't going as well. Happiness between you is possible and that's why the good times exist. Now take that happiness you can remember and work things through so that you have more of them to share.

    ouch. sticky situations. i don't have anything especially helpful to say here except in retrospect, so I'll move along...

    Nervousness would be normal even if everything were going well, so don't take that as a sign to run away screaming "murder! murder!". I don't think that things are hopeless at this point. They are amazingly difficult, but I think you guys will make it through if you work hard at it. It will take some crazy compromises on both parts and it will definitely make waves, but at the same time I think you'll both be better for it. I'd much rather you two be in a healthy relationship than to rush into things because of peer pressure or whatever and just live lives as two hurt and broken people.
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    You have many fears which in turn will result in regrets in the future when your looking back on your life. It sounds like your fearful and worried about the impact of you calling the wedding of will have. You have to do what is best for you.
  7. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    Does this include the starving and dying children in Africa?
  8. One Dagger

    One Dagger Member

    My advice would be to talk to him, if thats too hard definatly talk to someone in your family, even if you find this person hard to talk to you should definatly seek support from a family member as they know you and only want the best for you.

    It sounds like your fiance isn't an easy person to talk to and is also not interested in fixing problems in your relationship or making you even the slightest bit happy.. Ive been in a similar place and stuck around longer than i should have and in my time of neglect from my partner at the time, my current bf came along and swept me off my feet and nothing has been bad since then.

    The same could happen to you and i feel your fiance has some work to do if he wants you to be happy.

    Get out of it before you regret whats coming.. unless thats what you really want.
  9. LostSpirit

    LostSpirit Well-Known Member

    you have said it yourself. if you doubt just one thing, then it would be wrong to go thru with it, but by sounds of it, it's more then one thing,

    put your wedding back a bit, and if things improve then re consider, but trust me if you go thru with it now... then it will end in tears