I'm making this post as an outlet, I'm not expecting a reply or such...I just need it to be said I know I'm only being dramatic, and I will feel no such uncertainty when I awake. I'm not one who has had everything given to me but one who has had what is needed within grasp. I never understood when I was younger, the actions of my mother. However now I wish I could show her just what I've gained but I am a failure. All my life I've been told I have potential and I've tried to work toward it only to see it slip away. I had blind optimism to believe that it would all work out. I went to college with scholarships and left with no degree and in debt. I moved out of my mom's house in an attempt to gain my independence. I like relying on myself and being responsible for myself, thus I cast my own problems on myself but I can't handle myself now. I am one who has made myself available to "friends" of mine in need (even sacrificing my job). In exchange I asked only that when I truly needed it that they be there for me. I fell on hard times in mid January, and no one came through for me. I drowned out my pains in alcohol and outside of myself got into a car and drove and crashed. I see my life spiraling in no certain direction. I didn't physically hurt myself or anyone else but the wounds are there. (A dui isn't the end of the world but I can't seem to work past it). My "friends" told me they were there if I needed help. I've worked through most of it on my own but when I have fallen in need of help they all turn a blind eye as if I don't exist. It has been my experience thus far that the ones who are willing to give are those who need help themselves, but I refuse to except that kind of help. I've put myself in this position and I know it. But I don't know how to fix it and I don't want to do something stupid...but its going to happen...I just hope everyone is okay in the end...including myself.