Enough already! I get it.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by BruceWayneWannabe, Jan 15, 2012.

  1. BruceWayneWannabe

    BruceWayneWannabe Active Member

    OK, world. I get it. I'm not good enough for anybody. I'm not smart enough, tough enough, good enough, I'm easily replaceable, and nobody wants anything to do with me. So, is it really too much to ask that I go in my sleep or something since I'm too much of a coward to do anything myself? It's not like too many people would miss me anyway, since I get ignored by A LOT of people, and, in general, I'm a waste of space. Jeez!
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Sorry you feel like that, but it is not cowardice.
    Who has made you feel this way?
     
  3. BruceWayneWannabe

    BruceWayneWannabe Active Member

    Long time. Sorry. Couldn't find the words until just now. Heads up! This is gonna be long. I figured if I'd type this all out I could finally come to terms with...myself I guess.

    I guess the answer to your question is, me. I used to be a farm boy that loved tractors and baseball, and had an EXTREMELY unhealthy addiction to video games (that's now morphed into an internet addiction). But I remember in fifth grade I played on one of the school baseball teams. I wasn't any good, though. I struck out once swinging the bat, and then from then on, I never swung the bat...just always hoped they walked me. Then when I was old enough to do tractor work, I didn't want to because I was afraid of doing stuff wrong. Then I just morphed into a big ball of fear: fear of authority; fear of girls; fear of people. I didn't play baseball anymore because I wasn't good and was afraid of disappointing teammates. Didn't drink, smoke, etc. I was/am pretty uncool, so I was/am pretty invisible to the female population.

    It didn't help that I was somehow perceived as reasonably intelligent. I was even voted "Most Likely to Succeed." I'm not sure how since I knew of quite a few smarter people. With few friends and the consolation of Nintendo, everyday was pretty lonely. I still remember sitting and reading archaeology books in my living room and feeling how much the loneliness hurt. I still can't read for long periods to this day, which means a decrease in learning things. I thought things would get better with time. During my freshman year of college, I got a few friends, but the popular crowd still razzed me somewhat. Then the next two and a half years were incredibly lonely, although I did make good grades and impress my professors. But I got so lonely during those years that I could feel it burn in my chest on some days. It got better during the last half of my senior year though.

    I managed to get a long term girlfriend. We were together nearly three years. She used to tell me about how she wanted to marry me during the last half of the relationship. I thought things were finally going to be ok. No more loneliness, well, except for the small to non existent friends I had. All I needed was some friends and a successful career like people thought I'd worked hard for and maybe things would be better. But it all came apart. My then girlfriend switched majors to the one I had (anthropology). She got accepted to two out of three graduate schools; I've never been accepted to any graduate school. I've actually been rejected from 11. So I just stopped. So I got unfairly jealous of her success and friend count. It wasn't fair to her.

    So, I had to resort to contract archaeology jobs that lay you off and don't pay very well. I even got to move to another state--out of my environment that reminds me of being lonely. But at least I had my girlfriend...until she broke up with me...on Christmas. That was five years ago. I figured I shouldn't talk to her anymore so I wouldn't feel bad finding out she moved on. She's married with at least one kid now-- I found that out on Facebook. I didn't actually search her, but her picture showed up on my Facebook page somehow, complete with a change in last name and picture of her and baby. I, however, haven't been in a relationship since, because I'm pathologically scared to approach women again. I feel like a complete loser. Nobody's fault but mine. Then I got laid off from my job two and a half years ago and haven't found a job since. As a result, I had to move back to my home town, completely isolated and full of bad memories--and I'm pretty much friendless again. I really wish I had majored in medicine.

    I'm so depressed and lonely now that I can't function anymore. I just spend all day playing on the internet without the ambition to succeed that I used to have. I can't really afford therapy or medicine, but that's not really the point. The point is, I get to look back on my life and realize I'm so inferior. I'm dead last behind everybody, and I'm alone while others (like my ex girlfriend) have succeeded. I really am nothing and there's really no point in being around anymore. But I can't even do that because it would devastate my family (who wanted me to succeed), so I have to stay here for possibly quite a long time. I don't want to be here anymore.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I will deal with the pragmatic issues first..if you live in the US you might be eligible for entitlements which could get you health care and some support...and treatment and medication, if appropriate...now, the more important issue...I am sorry you are feeling as you do about yourself...I was never a cool kid, but a stoner, so I was the 'friend' to everyone, especially the teachers...long story but will not highjack your thread...since you are online a lot, are there any courses that would interest you, so that you can get back into the discipline of studying and such? That could be a rehearsal for what you might do in the future...also, if you find you want change careers and there are grants/scholarships (e.g. nursing, physical therapy) maybe investigate that...just a few suggestions...and also to let you know, you will not be ignored here
     
  5. BruceWayneWannabe

    BruceWayneWannabe Active Member

    Um...ok, wow, so I recently found that tiny, tiny needle in the haystack woman I could actually finally relate too--until I found out she lied a bit and I can't really relate to her. Boy that really, really hurt for some reason. I think it's because it made me finally realize there'll be no one to relate to. Boy reading that email hurt. That'll stay with me for a while. Then I logged on to Facebook 20 minutes later and after about a year of not seeing my ex-girlfriend (the now married one I mentioned above), she showed up again. I think I blocked her this time though. Still, WOW do I feel bad. Man, I can't wait till I expire.