Enough is enough.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Petal, Mar 15, 2016.

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  1. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    • I don't want to go back to DBT, they were questioning yesterday whether I was suitable for it, why? I know why, because I am not an easy patient. They want easy patients so they can have a high success rate.
    • Anxiety is absolutely crippling me. I'm finding it extraordinary hard to leave the house. Like it's really bad.
    • I have SO many bad/stupid/ embarrassing memories, I can't seem to find a middle ground.
    • I have had enough of life, I no longer want to be here. The anxiety is overwhelming, making me vomit, driving my mind crazy.
    • Please someone give me some hope :(
    • I was doing good in general but only leaving the house for the odd short walk or appointments.
    • I don't want to kill myself, I just want to die. I won't take my own life.
    • I cannot relax, day or night.
    • I am on several medications all at the maximum doses, I for once have no idea what to do. Changing medications is not an option, I've been on tons and these are the best that have worked for me.
    • I was diagnosed with diabetes last week, I have a lot of weight to lose, it feels like an impossible task.
    Sorry, I just needed to let that all out.
     
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    *huge, huge hugs* hun.

    I am so sorry you feel this way. You're such an amazing person. Speaking for myself I wouldn't want to lose you. You've helped me so much!


    I am also sorry they did that you in DBT, are you sure it's that way around, or more because you need to wait a bit? you said you struggled with it at first, and maybe need to wait?
    Do I remember this right, it's a trial thing? If that's the case they shouldn't be letting 'difficult' (not saying you are) patients go. I worked with medical research and to be able to come with evidence of effectiveness you absolutely still need the more tough patients in the statistics... if not their results are at risk of being discredited and the whole trial is botched. So it's more likely they would say that for your benefit.
    I don't know if that makes you feel better at all...

    Don't give up on yourself hun. You're a bit vulnerable now, probably from therapy? You should talk to your therapist about that, tell them how low you feel.

    Getting out more would help you... but that is so much easier said than done. Personally I have to make excuses to get out at all. Do you have any tokens that can keep you 'safe' when you're outside? I have a necklace in the shape of my favourite actor that I find comfort in fondling, I also sometimes take my Sonic Screwdriver with me, and I find listening to music helps too.
    And I try to trick myself to get out a bit more often... I 'forget' to buy things at the grocery store and have to get back out there...
    Could that help you hun?


    *hugs you again* know my inbox is always open, hun!
     
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  3. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Ohh you poor wonderful lady i am so sorry things are so hard for you at the moment!!! You don't deserve it you are so special to so many around here.

    I know DBT can be hard and the people running it should be well aware of the behaviour that may be shown. I am sorry they are making you feel so uncomfortable. It's not fair. But i do however hope that even tho it's hard you keep attending to see if this is somthing that can work for you...it's def not easy work or an easy solution it take a lot of practice and hard work to make it work and I know just how hard it can be. Remeber you jabe all us here to support you through this.

    Is there anything that makes you relax even if it's only for short periods of relief?? A shower,bath, cup of tea, watching funny animal videos???

    I am sorry things are so tough for you right now but please take it easy and be kind to yourself you jabe suffered enough *big hugs*
     
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  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi Petal, I'm so sorry I know exactly how you feel. I feel hopeless myself right now. Anxiety is crippling, I too have gotten to the point of not wanting to leave the house. I have to, cause I'm on my own but it's a quick run to get what I need then back home. I'm on antideprresant and anti anxiety medication that's lost its effectiveness and I don't know which way to turn. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up but I'd rather be able to live a happy life. I wish I had some advice on how to cope but I don't. Just wanted to let you know that you weren't alone and I'll send positive thoughts/prayers for peace. Hope it gets better for both of us :(
    Brian
     
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  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thanks everyone,

    Strange thing, when I didn't leave the house for 5 years I had severe anxiety and now when I stay inside I have anxiety so its not actually comforting. In or out, I cannot free myself from it. It's horrid. I asked my psych nurse yesterday if they could put me on more meds just temporarily she said ''not a hope of it''. I am on many medicines but something has cracked, I think I've become immune to them. Music is my only escape and even at that I don't feel great. I will go back to DBT. It's just going to be very tough. I have no energy to do anything, not motivation but energy. I have a cortisol deficiency, diabetes and inflammatory bowel disease and lately I have been getting severe pains in my legs which I now think is down to the diabetes. I cried yesterday in therapy and she asked me why was I crying and I couldn't tell her. I'm just a walking disaster, I wasn't built for this world.
     
  6. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    *hugs you so tight*

    Keep asking your psych nurse, I don't know all that much about psych medication, but I know about other medicine, you can develop immunity to a brand. Perhaps that's what you need? not change the kind of medication, but the brand?
    Don't give up hope. Keep asking, keep fighting for you. You deserve to be here, absolutely. You are such an amazing person and I can't say that enough.

    Sometimes our mental ails will affect the physical too. Maybe that's what's going on for you?

    Crying in therapy is very normal, hun. Last time I was in DBT people had so many different reactions. A few times people bolted out of there, one even screamed and slammed the door... and yes a few people cried too. I almost did that too in the 'pre-dbt' thing some months back... It's a normal reaction when things get too close to you I think.
    Don't beat yourself up over it.

    When I struggle explaining how I feel with my therapist she gives me a piece of paper with a lot of faces on it and the name of the corresponding emotion under. Perhaps you need something similar? It's worth bringing up to them. You can even print one out and take with you for next time if you worry the same thing is going to happen.

    Please hun, be kind to yourself. You're such an awesome person. I am happy you're here
     
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Do you mean that the fact there is generics and the proper ones (which are said to be the same but I have my doubts).
    I am just back from the doctors now I got started on my medication for diabetes and she gave me a low dose of midazolam.
    The DBT is bringing up memories that I don't want brought up but as you stated, yes that is normal for DBT. Things I cannot talk about which seem minor to others but I guess no two people's pain are the same.

    That is an excellent idea hun, I will definitely take that idea on board, I am really glad I made this thread now, thanks so much for the support. I appreciate it so much :)
     
  8. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Like I said I don't know about psych medicine but I know it's like that with some pain relief. I always get a different brand each time.
    It's worth a try as long as it still has the same properties, right?

    You're so right hun, no two people experience pain in the same ways. Things that seem perfectly minor and even normal can be a bad trigger to another. Don't worry hun.
    Have you told that to the therapists who have the DBT sessions? Perhaps they need to keep an extra eye on you. Or perhaps you just need to walk outside for a minute to catch your breath when things get tough?

    I hope the 'faces and emotions' thing can help you. It really helps my sessions along... my therapist often ask me 'and how did that make you feel'... and I just go blank. I guess I'm not used to talking about emotions. Without those faces I doubt I would get anywhere.

    I really hope any of this can help you hun. You so deserve it!!
     
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I will ask for the non generic ones and see if I feel any better on next weeks prescription, might cost me a few euro but worth a try. I do not believe he generic lyrica and normal lyrica are the same drug, it just doesn't add up when taking it, I feel so much better on the non generic, was just talking about this with my mom last week actually.

    No I have told them there is things that I am NOT under any circumstances talking about and they said that is fine they will teach me coping skills to deal with whatever that is, so I hope they can do this and me :) I'm not quitting. I can't give up now, I was very lucky to get into the program in the first place so I will make the best out of it.

    I took a walk a few minutes ago, it was nice to get some fresh air. Thanks for the tips hun, you are superb :)
     
  10. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sure they can give you coping mechanisms, I am positive in fact!
    You're so strong hun. You're an inspiration!

    Be gentle with yourself. And remember you do deserve to be here!
     
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  11. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Hi Petal, I understand the anxiety you're having... Its ruining my life. I was sick just getting up to go to the toilet... Its not the first time. Now just leaving my room causes me to be sick and break out in sweats.

    I understand these feelings. I understand the feeling of wanting to die but not kill oneself.

    Even though I honestly don't see hope for myself... I know its possible. We just can't see it... We only know the past and how messed up it is. We only know how many mistakes we've made.

    I hope you can understand what I'm saying. It's hard for me to be positive, but I think deep down we know that positive things can happen... Even when we refuse to accept it.

    You're a big help on here. I have been coming here for a long time and you have helped me. I doubt you remember because you help so many.

    Keep going,
     
    Petal likes this.
  12. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Hi Petal, I understand the anxiety you're having... Its ruining my life. I was sick just getting up to go to the toilet... Its not the first time. Now just leaving my room causes me to be sick and break out in sweats.

    I understand these feelings. I understand the feeling of wanting to die but not kill oneself.

    Even though I honestly don't see hope for myself... I know its possible. We just can't see it... We only know the past and how messed up it is. We only know how many mistakes we've made.

    I hope you can understand what I'm saying. It's hard for me to be positive, but I think deep down we know that positive things can happen... Even when we refuse to accept it.

    You're a big help on here. I have been coming here for a long time and you have helped me. I doubt you remember because you help so many.

    Keep going,
     
  13. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Hi Petal, I understand the anxiety you're having... Its ruining my life. I was sick just getting up to go to the toilet... Its not the first time. Now just leaving my room causes me to be sick and break out in sweats.

    I understand these feelings. I understand the feeling of wanting to die but not kill oneself.

    Even though I honestly don't see hope for myself... I know its possible. We just can't see it... We only know the past and how messed up it is. We only know how many mistakes we've made.

    I hope you can understand what I'm saying. It's hard for me to be positive, but I think deep down we know that positive things can happen... Even when we refuse to accept it.

    You're a big help on here. I have been coming here for a long time and you have helped me. I doubt you remember because you help so many.

    Keep going,
     
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Of course I remember you @Lestat Thank you for your encouraging words and I am really sorry you are going through the same things, maybe together we can relieve ourself into a more positive world :) Your support means a lot. Are you on medications for anxiety?
     
  15. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Yes. I'm on some medication, but I worry about being addicted. I'm on antidepressants also... But I fear that a brand change may be the reason I cracked up. It feels like they're different.
     
  16. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    What medications do you think are addictive? benzodiazepines? they certainly are. Great drugs but unfortunately your body keeps getting more and more addicted as it goes on. I'm on 30mg diazepam a day and I find that addictive. Can you switch to the old brand if you want?
     
  17. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    I'm on 2mg of diazepam. I'm on 40mg of citalopram. I don't know if I can switch... But I definitely feel different.

    I don't know what to ask for. I'll try
     
  18. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Let them prescribe, don't ask. Do you know your diagnosis? Honestly the best advice is to just be honest with them, they will have heard it before and are used to it.
     
  19. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I a bit better than when I started this thread this morning, I am down 6lbs this week. I am so happy about that. I am proving the inner voice inside me wrong, life is still tough though, no very close friends that live near me and nothing to do in this hell hole. My life is going nowhere and I cannot see a good ending. Life can be so cruel sometimes. I want a hug. I asked my mom for a hug and she asked me if I was high :eek:
     
  20. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    That sucks. I hope she can be more understanding.
    Its good that you're losing weight if that's what you want.

    Life is cruel... Im starting to realise that more and more. This universe owes us nothing. Some people are lucky, and others are unlucky.
     
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