I am tired of pretending things might get better, things might work out. I do all the "right things" - I am pro-active - I get off my arse and I try to "fix" it. Yeah, some days I'm crap, but most days I force myself to do the things on the checklist, make myself get up and out even though what I want to do is curl up in a corner and die. Make myself live. Every time I think it might be getting better - every time I think that something might improve - everything falls apart again. I'm trapped and I can't get out and now, to top it all off, transpires that I am sick again. And I can't DO the constant pain and hospital visit after hospital visit again. It was hard enough the first time round when I still thought I had something worth going through it for - when I still thought there was another side to come out of. This time I know there isn't. So I get to stop now, right? I've tried, and I've fought, and yes - I know I fucked it up myself and I have only myself to blame for it being an utter nightmare now - but I get to stop now. Right? I don't know what I hate more; my life or myself, but either way. Enough now.