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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jen1988, May 7, 2007.

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  1. Jen1988

    Jen1988 Member

    I guess since I searched this site out there's some part of me that doesn't want this, doesn't want to die.
    But I can't help feeling like everything would be much better for me if I did kill myself.
    I tried when I was 15 numerous times and many times failed the final time when my parents found out and rushed me to hospital they lost a lot of respect for me and therefor put me off doing it again.
    But lately I'm just crawling back into that place, I have no one to talk to about how I'm feeling.
    My older sister is 29 and has 4 kids 2 of whom she lost to her ex husband, she's unbelieveable and tried to kill herself just a few weeks ago, she's now living with my parents and making their lives hell so me going home from university is just hell. My oldest niece and nephew I'd always said were my life and one of the reasons I wouldn't kill myself, I always wanted to give them a better life when I left university cause I could apply to become their legal guardians. Now thanks to my sisters actions that can't happen.

    My ex brother in-law also recently accused me of child abuse (hitting my niece) which was beyond me why he'd say this aside from a media video I made while in college (which had video footage of a hand coming down supposedly towards a child but obviously not) things like this just tend to get me down as you can assume.

    I have an aunty who is constantly trying to make my life hell, she's torn my family apart and claimed me to be the devils child, to my knowledge I can never understand what I ever did wrong to her but she hates me and makes it blatently clear that she does. It hurts especially when she's tried to tell me my deceased grandparents and my aunt ,who I loved dearly, hated me with a passion I don't know what to believe anymore.

    My housemates at university are slowly making my life hell I know it's just girls bitching but I feel like a social retard I've lost all confidence and faith in people for how they treat me. It's mentally painful I think thats the main thing thats getting me down.

    I generally just feel depressed between having a lack of family support, lack of friends at university and lack of life in general. I'm failing my course despite trying my hardest.

    I feel like a failure in a person an ultimate waste of space, I just don't see a point in me continuing to breath air in an already over populated world. I'm never going to contribute anything and if so many people around me hate me and I'm unable to understand why then maybe it would be better for me to just go.

    So many people hate me, I'm a nice person I never do anything wrong to people I go out of my way to make people happy and try to help, thats just in my character. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I just want to end everything.

    I've been staring at a pair of scissors for the last half hour, I haven't slit my wrists for years and I thought I was past that. I'm just so lost.
  2. Jackson

    Jackson Guest

    You're probably just getting caught up in a lot of stuff. Distance yourself from the things that have a negative impact on your life, at least the things you can't change yourself. Seek out new and healthy things to fill the void. You said it yourself, you know you're a nice person. That's great you know that. Focus on that, don't let it be corrupted by these outside influences, and use it to your advantage by improving yourself and others around you.
  3. Jen1988

    Jen1988 Member

    It's very hard to distance yourself from everything you've ever known.
    I'm always told I'm wrong so I always wonder is my mind twisted. I once demonstrated to a friend how I felt and got told "I'm living in a fantasy world and not everything can be so nice" Maybe my mind is just twisted I just can't see that.
  4. Jackson

    Jackson Guest

    Be who you are, don't let them influence your underlying spirit. Build up on your life positively and that will distance you from the negative things below in your life. That comment by your 'friend' wasn't very nice. Don't take crap like that.
  5. Jen1988

    Jen1988 Member

    Sometimes being yourself isn't good enough. I really wonder sometimes why god allowed me like this, why he made me look the way I do, why he put me in a life where everyone hates me. It sucks.
  6. kirstyclive

    kirstyclive Guest

    hey... thats not true... you dont know what you've got.... listen ive been on this site a long time and ive heard hundreds of people say the same thing that life aint worth it blaming god... well there are challenges in life for all of us... i will not see you fall apart... people can be such assholes but they're the ones not worth a penny... not you, your life is worth so much more than that... please keep battling through take each obstacle one at a time and know i am always here if you need a chat...


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